Verbal Self Defense

[shimmerz]

Long story short. I have moved to a place where nobody knows me. I am integrating socially again. It ain't easy, is all I have to say. I have made my world very, very small, but am having issues with someone here.... and I can't make it stop somehow....

I am, btw, affected by CPTSD and Developmental Trauma, which basically means that I lost track of a whole bunch of communication skills that most people get during proper (and trauma free) development.

So I write in my diary that I am having this issue and a friend online suggests Verbal Self Defense. *head snaps quickly*. Verbal Self Defense? Who knew?

I get in these situations where people seem to just 'catch' something about me and ride it. This is happening now. So I look up verbal self defense and guess what? It speaks about the issues I have with communicating with others, and have had all of my life. For anyone interested, here is the link.

http://people.howstuffworks.com/vsd.htm

Thoughts? Anyone work on this themselves? Anyone know about this and perhaps give some pointers as to what books etc they found effective?

 

[Chimera]

This is an interesting subject, one I will read up on more, soon.
That said, I used to be able to verbally defend myself...witty, wry, caustic? I had the resources.
Now though, I disengage, retreat and shut down..it pisses me off.
I am guessing, in my case too many attacks?
But I do believe we can verbally secure ourselves without tearing others apart, I just can't remember how...so I will be watching this thread for insight..thanks for the posting and the link, good stuff.

 

[shimmerz]

Now though, I disengage, retreat and shut down..it pisses me off.

Yes, they say that leaving is a flight response and that those who are attacking verbally, see this. Leaves us open for further issues. I think the idea is learning the fine art of shutting it down....

 

[scout86]

Wow. I started to read that. Looks good. Couldn't wade through it all right now, but I will.

One thing about that article. It mentions the kinds of people who verbally attack. At least on the first page, it doesn't talk about people who are actually out to get you. As you & I both know, SOME people ARE out to get you. The trick is telling the difference. But, you (and I) learned a lot of these communication skills in a situation where people weren't just stupid or insecure, they were evil. Or some variation on the theme of evil. It skews your perspective. Doesn't mean your original perspective was wrong. Also doesn't mean you won't meet an evil person ever again. But, you have WAY more power and control over your fate now than you did as an infant.

You'll get this, I have faith!

 

[Deleted member 28740]

I love this place. Yes!!!!!! I need VSD tools. Thanks R4M and Shimmerz. Hell of a day yesterday with family. No matter what I say, it is twisted, dismissed, and tough love cruel in response all meant for my well being.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I found this very interesting. Thanks for posting it.
Part of the problem I have is I'm not always sure how I'm going to respond. Sometimes it depends who is controlling the emotion regulation at the moment. Which I think makes me come off at the very least a phony and two faced. Like I'll be sweet and childlike, caring and gentle and other times I'm hiding because I just want to be left alone or I can be like, whatever made you think I would give a f*ck though that is rare.
I will look to see what else is out there though. It hadsme good pointers

 

[Justmehere]

I have worked on this myself, for much the same reasons. Verbal Self Defense looks really good!

I really like Non-Violent Communication Techniques too - there is a book and a lot of info online. It's helped in everything from every day stuff to heated moments in politics. (It has nothing to do with "violence" as we typically think about.)

 

[Chimera]

At least on the first page, it doesn'ttalk about peoplewho are actually out to get you.

I know this, and verbal defense let's them know you are not going to be a complacent target.
Recently, I worked with an uninspired chef, he hated my passion and my skills, turned half the kitchen against me and I could get no support from mgmt...man it was painful.
I've run 3 businesses, 2 of them my own, successfully. Still doing it but faltering with ptsd symptoms killing all skill sets.
The problem I have is that the game is not my way of growing. I have no earthly idea how to play it, nor do I want to. Though I'm open to re-aquiring those defensive skills, tired of the target painted on my chest.

 

[glass half full]

Long story short. I have moved to a place where nobody knows me. I am integrating socially again. It...

I recently picked up a book titled: Presence, Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges. I haven't gotten past the first chapter, so can't say much about it, but the cover notes and reviews say that this is pretty much what the book addresses. I got it off Amazon if you want to do a search for it and find out more.

 

[Recovery4Me]

This gentleman may not be eye candy but his first response video offers a lot for consideration. There are follow up videos for those interested as well. A pause is a great tool in many a teacher/Professor/business person's skill set (or for PTSD lol). Bob explains very well.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Very good video. Powerful stuff in the first one.Going to check the other ones out too.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I got the audible book by Suzette Haden Elgin "Mastering the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense. I just started listening to it and she brings up some good points about actually recognizing and diverting getting into a need to verbally defend oneself.
Thanks again @shimmerz this is something I really needed.