Very Anxious

[Bill Dickerson]

TV show my Mom was watching about a former Army Ranger who shot up a car after they came up to his house which is in a remote area repeatedly. Hard to explain to her that I would rather not listen to it.

He said they shot at house and shot at him while he was chasing them. He related he went into the zone and followed his training.

I'm not sure why this is upsetting me other than I'm thinking them shooting at his house and while being chased was all in his head.

I know sometimes I go into that zone when an apparent threat is observed. I've never shot anybody up but I know my kids have seen it (the zone) and it's scared them. I really regret they have seen it.

They are grown but they still get spooked by me. Normally they misunderstand but it seems they still watch for the zone. They said my voice changes and I know my body language changes. They said I suddenly get all serious sounding. At least that's how they described it when they were much younger.

I'm more afraid of me going into the zone than I am of being threatened.

 

[TillyDevine]

So much on TV is triggering as hell to people with PTSD. I know that is something I struggle with a lot... not wanting to watch TV and getting suddenly very anxious when someone else has the remote.

Your kids description of how you would get sounds like you dissociate. Dissociative episodes can be VERY anxiety producing... mine are horrible, and it's always when my mind is sucking me back into that place. I can't communicate right or move right and things don't seem real, and time seems to be warped and distorted. That's the biggest thing that makes me anxious. It feels like being caught in between time and space, frozen, and everyone around me is still moving around and functioning. Just thinking about that happening has made me stop really going anywhere or socializing with people.

I hope you feel better.
The last line of what you wrote makes a lot of sense.

Tilly

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I don't think it's Dissociate. I looked it up to make sure. I've had one episode that definitely was otherworldly.

It feels like adrenaline mixed with hypervigilance. It does feel like a switch is turned but I don't feel out of touch. It's more a place I go that isn't normally used around my kids.

It's like getting dressed in the uniform and putting up that shield. If it's disassociation every cop I know works in a disassociative state. You can be BS'ing in the vehicle and in two seconds that shield goes up and it gets very serious very quickly. Five minutes later you are BS'ing in the vehicle again.

Going back and looking at the description I guess it cops do often work in a dissociative state. At least in the very broadest sense.

I fear going into public if I think that switch might be turned. I know my kids notice how uncomfortable I am in crowds. The switch isn't turned but that buzzer seems to sound in my ear.

I don't like being like that around my kids.

 

[Justmehere]

Are you in therapy? Are they helping with trigger planning and trigger avoidance to reduce the likelyhood of being in the zone? My therapist worked on changing what I do when dissociative or in that high alert automatic reaction kind of state you describe - it actually worked over time.

I can see why you are scared... I also also think that kind of reaction of shooting people is fairly uncommon or it would happen more with the numbers of vets and police officers who have PTSD being so high.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Yes I'm in therapy and I am doing much better but it's taken years. For many years I stayed it seems in a constant adrenaline state.

I'm not frightened of going on a killing binge. I'm frightened of getting mugged for instance. A fella got mugged at a location I frequent very often and I was very upset. I'm not afraid of the mugger I'm afraid of my reaction. It scares me to death to think if it had been me there would probably two dead teenagers.

I don't want to deal with all that. I may not make it out the other side of that. Makes me want to become a hermit.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Bill Dickerson , I think more so than dissociation it is rather like training and focus. However, I have a great friend here on the forum, a veteran, and he spent many years fearing that, and being around children (a trigger). I'm probably not doing this justice in the explanation, and I hope he won't mind my saying it. The end result was it was his grandchild that helped him, the opposite of the fear he carried all those years. That fear, that wariness, goes a long way in keeping grounded and control.

I find things I read, or see in the news, or even something I hear can start thoughts and fears rolling.

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Oops, your post just came in. I 'hear you'; as regards the muggers. (Though I'd sure be happy to be walking with you on the street after dark! ;) :) )

 

[Bill Dickerson]

It's part of you but I have been able to turn it down some. I don't think it's something you can change without losing one's self.

I like being around my kids and grandchild... and my dogs. They are always honest and don't have issues like adults.

I hate drama.

 

[Tinyflame]

Same here. Peace Bill.