Very Triggered

[Sethe]

I am currently coming down from being very triggered, scared and frightened. I know that it was somewhat irrational. I was in no immediate harm- it was the threat of harm that bothered me and I could feel the anxiety in my body.

My S.O. gave our address to one of his family members after I told him not to (he wasn't thinking and I think his brother tricked him). The person he gave it to has not harmed me in the past, but has expressed his disapproval over our union (he's really pissed off that I'm with his brother for some reason). He has been upset about it for almost two years and has convinced other family members that I'm just not the right choice for his brother. I do not know what I did to bother him (besides take away his narcissistic supply), but regardless...

So, several of my S.O.'s family members have been in trouble with the law. One even stole his identity! I told my S.O. that I do not want to be involved with them (I do not trust them). They threatened to find out where we live so they could come over and 'cause trouble.'

I've had enough of dealing with people who 'cause trouble' in my life and do not want any more. No thanks.

When I found out that he gave away the address, I was shocked, but I tried to brush it off. It took a few minutes for the fear to hit me. What if they come over? What if they try to use this info in an unlawful manner?

Then the full panic hit me. I knew that it was unlikely they would ever do anything, but I was lost in the fear. Drowning in it. I'm still a little shaken. I'm tempted to put out a warning in the neighborhood in case they do decide to drop by and 'cause trouble.' The fear that I would not have control over the one place that has become a sanctuary for me just drove me nuts! I can still feel the tension in my back.

I'm just in a bad spot now. I haven't felt scared in about a week, so I suppose I'm upset with myself and frustrated right now.

Thanks for listening (reading).

 

[Iam]

I am sorry Sethe. I hope you are able to settle down and that your fears prove to be unfounded. It is so important to have a safe place to live. Especially while we are working on our traumas. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Sethe]

Thanks Iam!

I'm feeling a bit better now, but there is still a faint feeling of 'I'm still not safe' in the background. I guess that's a remnant of the past. I haven't felt safe for a long time (maybe in short bursts).

I do want to say that some of the threads here really resonate with me. It helps that there are people here who have had similar experiences. I thought I was alone and I was also taught that what I experienced I either deserved (through instigation) or it just 'wasn't that bad.' My diagnosis is still pretty recent and I think I have some denial about it (what I went through 'wasn't that bad').

 

[Iam]

It took me months to even accept the dx and I've been in therapy over a year I still deny and minimize too Sethe. I think that is pretty par for the course with us PTSDers. Lots of guilt too. Then there is the fear of facing our traumas and the terror they invoke in us. It is hard work, but we can learn to manage our symptoms and live happy fulfilled lives. It takes time you will get there.

 

[Daisy_May]

I have been incredibly triggered the last few days. Panic, flashbacks, nausea near vomitting at work. No crying though!

I feel awful. Lost again, panic panic panic. No rest. I feel I HAVE to be hypervigilant, I HAVE to be anxious to the max or the sky will fall on me.

I feel I must act morally and rightouesly at all times. I will punished if I try to be sneaky. No relief, no atonement. I wonder how politicans and people get away with crimes. I wonder how my abusers get away without justice being dealt from above or karma or God smiting them.

It is so hard to be rational right now. I do not understand how people tell lies and steal and cheat, if we will all be caught and the end of hte world will come. Do people not understand the punishment involved in not following the rules?! This sounds crazy but I am venting my undercurrents here. If I misbehave, according to societal rules, I will be shamed and damned and isolated. Physical injury, even! But the worst is the ridicule. I will be teased and neglected and cast out. I will be murdered. I will be hated. This is how my child's mind thinks.

Today is horrible for me.

 

[Sethe]

I'm sorry tp hear that Daisy May.

I know it's hard. Sometimes it is difficult to put into words some of the feelings. Do you have a safe place/object, thought, etc? I do and it does help a little when I feel lost.