Very, Very Sad Re Loss And Abuse

[Pilgrim]

I wasn't sure where to put this. But, I am terribly sad, over the loss of my aunt who was more of a mother to me than my own mother. And also because of things I learned that were done to me when I was very little. Things I knew had happened but couldn't remember or place who or where. Not knowing can drive you crazy. But, knowing finally after all these years that you're NOT crazy, and then having to face those truths and all the feelings that go with it, can sometimes be almost just as hard. I really don't know how I ever managed to survive my childhood. I really don't. And the times I've been hard on myself about things I've done, I think maybe I need to let myself off the hook, for. I made mistakes, sure. But most of them were done out of a sense of sheer desperation. And, a need to escape the horror I knew. But, there was nowhere to run. And, nowhere to hide, from it all. The fact that I am not crazy as a loon (depending on who you ask, of course), is truly remarkable. I am a survivor. And yet, I feel so shattered, inside. Like broken glass. I have long felt like humpty dumpty, in a million pieces with no way to put me back together again. Having a lot of the missing pieces of the puzzle now, helps a lot. But, sometimes life just really sucks. I'm not suicidal. I have soooo much to be thankful for, and I know it. I'm just really sad, and hurting something fierce. Thanks for listening.

 

[hodge]

Hang in there, Pilgrim. We are survivors. Yes, we have struggles, but there is help for us. I'm so sorry for the loss of your aunt. I also have an aunt who was one of my major supports when I was still living with my mother, who was emotionally abusive.

 

[Pilgrim]

Thank you @hodge I'm so glad we've had the blessing of our aunts to support us. I miss mine terribly. She stood up for me to my whole family, about the abuse. I feel really alone in my family, now. :bawling:

 

[Chava]

Sorry you're hurting @Pilgrim ...a lot of sadness and hurt is sort of what I feel on-and-off as I pull out of years of numbness and self-destructive coping. So it's not all bad, but feels hard to manage at times because my newer skills still seem somewhat foreign and "not me." Do what you can to comfort yourself, distance yourself safely from sadness if you need a break, and do little things that bring you a bit of joy or even just sense of presence with yourself. Hang in there...

 

[Lionheart]

Hello @Pilgrim I am a survivor of severe prolonged, sexual child abuse and I lost my father just 2 years ago, so I can understand some of what you are going through.

Have you ever seen a mosaic? It is a picture made up of little pieces of broken tiles or glass (etc) that come together to form something beautiful. I think our minds, hearts, and souls are very much like shattered glass when we are traumatized, but that we can take and make beautiful 'mosaics" out of them.

In other words, we can take the broken pieces and fit them back together in a new way that can make them even more beautiful that they were before. Sometimes this takes a lot of difficult and painful healing work, but in the end I have found that it is well worth it.

Grief is tough, it happens in stages and takes time to process and I am so very sorry for the loss of your aunt.. I hope you will feel better soon and not so sad or depressed.

I don;' know if this post is helpful to you at all, but it is the best I have to offer at the moment. I hope you will take it in the spirit it is given; with warmth and caring.

wishing you comfort , peace, and healing,
Lion

 

[Pilgrim]

Thank you @Chava @Lionheart777 and @hodge . Each of your replies have brought tears to my eyes, and I feel your warmth, acceptance and comfort, in your words. I think this is about the worst loss I've ever been through, so it helps to talk about it. I just remembered there's a grief forum - I'll probably write future posts on this, there. The Mosiac idea is a beautiful one. It gives me some hope of making some new sort of sense, out of the chaos that is my mental and emotional landscape. Thanks for taking the time to reply. It means a lot. Pilgrim

 

[Lionheart]

[GALLERY=media, 1942]11752506_798744943576923_5761551285770824554_n by Lionheart777 posted Jul 19, 2015 at 9:01 PM[/GALLERY]
A mosaic to give you an idea of what I mean about putting the pieces back together...

 

[Tinyflame]

OMG @Lionheart777 that is SO beautiful, I love it. And I love to dance- do you @Pilgrim? Doesn't it look like 'freedom'? :)

Dear @Pilgrim ,I saw this & am so sorry, it was the Anniversary of my Aunt's death yesterday as well (lived with my sister & I for 25 years). Though she was not like a mom per se for me exactly I was (or felt, 'was' really, like a daughter). I do understand how gross it is also to lose the only kind people/ person or people who believe in you or defend or help you. I am there now in a way. Well I have been & the last vestiges of that kindness/ sanity/ forgiveness/ support are on the way out. I see (envision, or am bracing for) myself going down the drain, really. I don't have much else that helps me cope, though God knows I've tried.

Please forgive me as I felt too lousy to respond, & you supported/ comforted me, you should have had my support as well. :( :sorry: I feel so very very terribly badly about that. :( :cry:

I'm so sorry & I hope you are feeling a bit better today. :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I empathize greatly with you over the loss of your aunt. I believe that this is very difficult to deal with in your life and I so understand what you mean about feeling lonely in your family.

Grieving over the loss of your aunt will be so hard to get through, I realize and it will take some time for you to even begin to feel better.

I lost my son about nine years ago and I lost my beloved husband who was very dear to me two years ago. At first I was a basket case and it was so bad I had to move in with my daughter and her family for two years, and it took me a full year to heal and recover from his death.

It does get better over time just right now it hurts like hell for you. i have never had anyone like your aunt in my life so I do not know how you are feeling and I struggle with words to find to comfort you.

Please feel free to pm me if you need to talk so I can better support you if you need someone to talk to.

I cannot imagine all that you are going through right now and at the beginning the grief is the worst and you just lost your mainstay in your aunt and I can relate to feeling alone in your family.

Try to hang onto all of the good and happy memories that you can although it will make you miss her more. I did keep one shirt of my husbands to cuddle with when I sleep and at times when I am missing him I take it out of my bed covers and cuddle it to be close to him. It does not smell like him anymore which is so sad.

I wish you the best as you go through your days and I hope that you manage to find some comfort each day. I am here for you right now. Love, and hugs.

 

[Tinyflame]

((((((((((((( @Pilgrim )))))))))))))))), (((((((((((((((( @gizmo )))))))))))))))))).

 

[Pilgrim]

I so appreciate your responses. I am not up to replying right now, I am hurting just way too deeply tonight. But, I will soon. Just know that you have touched me, and I appreciate your support. I need a good, hard cry. But, I don't cry. So I don't even know how to begin letting that out. Talking helps, though. Thanks for listening, and understanding.

 

[Pilgrim]

Thank you, @Chava that is very good advice. I have taken a break from therapy, and from outpatient groups, for a while. Trying to talk about things has just been WAY too overwhelming. I need to print out your post and hang it where I will see it often. Very wise words. Thank you.