Very sad all the time

[Hopefulphoenix]

Hey @sherylblondie just checking in to see how you are doing?
I have fed some ducks!! And it actually made me feel a bit better. Normally I trudge around outside my house for a walk (which I hate but do it anyway) with my head down. But today I had a purpose so it was different. There were actually people around but I just focused on those ducks. Two girl ducks and 7 guys.. maybe I can feed them up to make babies lol. Im pleasantly suprised.

One thing I found that really helps is my rowing machine. We bought it coz Im scared to go out of house alot. My therapist made it my homework to go in there every night for 8 minutes to begin with. Every evening (when I am feeling a bit better) I row like crazy to try and beat yesterdays score. In depression I need to be able to say I still did that one thing!

 

[RVA21]

So nice of you to check in @Hopefulphoenix ! Lol! That would be amazing if they had babies! You are sounding more positive and it is so nice to read about your day. Now I am the only one who still has to go and look for some ducks to feed, there are some lakes but not quite within easy walking distance for me so I could get a bus to one of them. When I am feeling up to the challenge I will do it!

The rowing machine sounds really good. My ex had an exercise bike and I have been considering getting one as I do fear being outdoors too but I need exercise. I have to laugh now because my ex said years and years ago I should use the bike and play the Playstation at the same time, like play a racing car game and cycle at the same time, lol, now it doesn't sound so silly any more! I'll need to save some money to do this but I have listed a few things I no longer need on eBay and hopefully that will get me some.

I hadn't thought about it until recently but I realised I'm a recluse and I told someone face to face today (my dietitian). She suggested trying to find other counselling in the meantime while I wait on the other one/s I'm on a waiting list for. I think it's a good idea because although I do need time alone to process all that has happened to me, I think being able to talk about it is also helpful and that's something I'm missing very much. It was good to talk to her and even though I got a bit upset, it has helped even just talking to her. I'm pretty sure we ran over the allocated time but she didn't say anything, that was nice of her, she really listened and tried to help me.

The walk home from the health centre was a bit much for me this morning and my leg has been aching since but it might just be due to lack of exercise.

 

[MrMoonlight]

wow, you guys are doing so well! I'm so glad you had a nice time feeding the ducks @Hopefulphoenix . Happy to hear you are also making plans to do the same @sherylblondie . My therapist also recommended walking in a park to bird watch, seeing a movie by myself or quickly walking in a mall or grocery store. Hope you find something that fits your surroundings.

btw isolation is super normal for people suffering from PTSD sherylblondie. I suppose the term recluse fits people like us but we know why. I think that term for me conjures negative emotions. No matter the case telling someone is a HUGE step! good god you guys move fast. I hope you can find a way to get counseling. For me, it has been a game changer. Hope your leg feels better.

 

[RVA21]

Thanks @MrMoonlight my leg is a bit better today. I woke feeling really tired so I am going to take it easy today. I think isolation is a better way to describe it. I agree, if I hadn't experienced abuse and traumas I probably wouldn't isolate.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I felt so dang broken and crazy before gaining some understanding of PTSD, I didn't want you to feel similarly. I mean all the things we do are completely normal, our brains are trying to keep us safe and hey it's worked so far, we are still here.

Have a nice day @sherylblondie , hope you get some good rest.

 

[Hopefulphoenix]

@MrMoonlight Thats such a lovely way of putting it. Thank you. It feels so hard to feel and be so different to people around me. And an unhelpful critical part in me constantly compares.
Alot of the reason behind my isolation is because I had to relocate countries (for my husband to work) shortly after getting active ptsd. I was flooded with symptoms and deep depression. And I was pushed to try and work (which Id never been able to really do at home) and take care of a baby. I constantly forced myself often with no sleep at all to sit on buses etc. I think I created more trauma in my poor system. I tried over years, with the wrong kind of therapy. I just broke down all the time and went in and out of psych wards where I couldnt understand the language.
Back home in England I still lived with my mum alot of the time and used alot of unhealthy coping mechanisms to keep trauma memories at bay. They were unsustainable. But God its hard to live without them!
So I kind of tell myself if I still lived home in Uk I would be ptsd free. Its nuts i know. I have never been non isolated in the scandinavian country we live in now.
I am now with a properly trained trauma therapist but still struggling very much.. just from all that being pushed and misunderstood for so long.
Im pretty much scared to leave the front door, but depressed because I cant. If that makes sense?
Im sorry @sherylblondie to hijack your thread. Its very painful to trust to even write my story, but I have found here it can help me sometimes.
How did you guys get isolated? @MrMoonlight it helps so much to hear your hope.

 

[RVA21]

Thanks @MrMoonlight I hope you have/had a good day too. Yeah, the things we do are normal responses to abnormal things happening to us. I need to keep that in mind :)

@Hopefulphoenix it's totally fine, I am grateful for all and any input from others here :) Hope you're having/had a good day today too.

For a long time I just tried to get on with it, but it had been creeping up on me all the time, gradual. A series of negative events all happened in 2003, that's where I can pinpoint myself starting to want to hide away. As a child and teen I had to go to school so it made it harder, but if I could have I would probably have hid away then too! I pushed myself to be out there thinking I could cope. Truth is, I wasn't coping. Traumas and other negative life events had accumulated and were having an impact but I tried to pretend they weren't. Everyone else seemed fine so I just tried to be like everyone else. The older I got, the more anxious I became. So many bad things had happened that I began to think this world just isn't a safe place at all.

I had some chest pains last night and took some aspirin, I felt ok after a while, I think it was just anxiety attack. I feel worn out again today though!

 

[MrMoonlight]

psych wards where I couldnt understand the language.

that sounds awful, i really can't imagine it. I was hospitalized inpatient for suicidal thoughts some time ago so i do understand a little. sorry you went through that.

Im pretty much scared to leave the front door, but depressed because I cant. If that makes sense?

that absolutely makes sense, and over time grows more difficult. I pretty much isolated a large portion of my adult life. really i'm just now trying to work on mental health. doing 'normal' things in life are still a challenge and I'm trying to find tools to deal with PTSD and associated diagnoses. I've been 'walkin' the talk' for the last eighteen months.

How did you guys get isolated?

I was triggered by another traumatic event in my life. initially isolating away in an apartment with my girlfriend at the time. After that really unhealthy relationship, I moved in with my mom. shortly after her divorce (he stole 50,000 from my grandfather) my grandfather, mother and I split the cost of a rental home. After his passing, it's been my mother and myself splitting the cost of living in a different home that she now owns. In all those places I have been isolating within a small room and to some extent still do today. it's been twenty years now.

I'm getting better at breaking the cycle but still struggle. I have a tolerance window when doing things outside but I'm doing things outside. I can manage going out to eat or to a grocery store, I sat in a Starbucks drinking coffee for four hours with someone I met in IOP. So I go to therapy every week switching between talking and EMDR. I see my psychiatrist the guy who assessed my conditions twenty months ago every two months now that I have been more or less stable on medications.

I had some chest pains last night and took some aspirin, I felt ok after a while, I think it was just anxiety attack.

did you say you were being looked after by a medical professional?

 

[Hopefulphoenix]

I think you are doing awesome @MrMoonlight !
Im so glad you are getting help. I was talking with my T this week about the importance of tolerance windows.
Initially she had told me I had to take bus and walk through city to see her one way, I just couldnt and had to email her about it (im not so good at explaining things sometimes and sticking up for myself). I think she finally understood the extent of my difficulties and has agreed I can travel by cab for now.
I have been forcing myself to bike to shop every morning for a while, but my anxiety hasnt been going down and I have just been sobbing when I get back to house. I think its coz I am not in my tolerance window when I begin?
The isolation and realization about my life has left me quite depressed so its hard to get into that window at all you know? (Especially in the mornings).
Right now my task is to experiment with different stuff inside the house, seeing which stuff can help me, back to the baby steps and back to the ... this is so hard!!!
???

 

[RVA21]

Hi @MrMoonlight and @Hopefulphoenix hope you're both doing good, I forgot about this thread! I just wanted to say I went away for a few days and I saw some lovely fluffy feathered babies at a lake in a park! (I didn't have food for them unfortunately but other people did), here they are! I think they are geese?

 

[MrMoonlight]

Hey, @sherylblondie what a great photo, cute babies. So happy you are getting out a little, it's such a big step, well it was for me. Are you finding it easier to venture out?

I'm doing well, just getting through you know. I'm tackling dental trauma right now and am almost done with the difficult stuff. yeehaw!

 

[RVA21]

Thanks! :) I loved seeing them. Yeah, I have been getting out a bit more, then at times I go right back to hiding away again! It seems to be a pattern, I take a step forward and I like it and then I freak out a bit and I don't know why.

Oh that sounds pretty bad? What kind of dental trauma, if you don't mind me asking?

I'm having dental issues too with TMJ disorder, I'll need some dentures soon (for the first time in my life) because I broke teeth and they can't be repaired, and am dreading it.