A
agilder91
I think that I was sexually molested by my sister's father growing up. To be honest, I don't remember 90 percent of my childhood and much of it is blacked out. I do remember spending a lot of time alone with him in his bedroom. Those memories always fade to blackness and I don't really have any answers. He recently was arrested for child molestation and exploitation of a minor, and for possession of child pornography. According to the local news article they found hundreds of images on his computer of young children, ranging from 6 to 13 years old. I'm afraid either I or my brother and sister could be on them from years and years ago. Since this happened, I don't know what's right or what's true anymore. I've always been able to tell myself since I can't remember anything then he couldn't have, but since then the possibility has become so much more likely and I can't escape it mentally. When I was a teenager, I used alcohol to forget about a lot. My mom was convinced he was a pedophile for years and after I would visit my sister (our family dynamic is complicated and messy, but my sister lived with her dad after they broke up bc he had full custody, idk why I was only like 7 or 8 at the time) she would ask me a million questions about him. Did he touch you, etc. I always told her no because I couldn't remember him ever doing anything but after thinking about it years later, I remember suffering from a lot of health issues "down there" like UTIs and itchiness, and they'd always happen after visiting. I remember having an increased interest in sexual topics as a young girl and not really understanding what was appropriate to talk about and what wasn't. I remember always feeling really uncomfortable towards adult men, and as I got older, feeling that way about sex in general. I would try to be intimate with my boyfriends and afterwards, I felt violated and ashamed, dirty even. It was always consensual but even if I didn't want to, I didn't know how to say no. I just went with it and after felt like I didn't want to be touched and angry at THEM when they didn't do anything wrong. I hated being touched in certain areas and a few times here or there made them stop because I was crying and I immediately wanted to get dressed and run away. I always felt guilty about it, too. I was depressed a lot growing up. I suffered from anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I always felt isolated and different, and like I was a bad person who deserved bad things to happen to me. I couldn't talk to my mom about feeling this way because she'd bring up my sister's father, but also when she'd talk about it she was always very accusatory, like if it happened it would be my fault. My mom was a victim of his abuse as well and I think it left her really unstable because she was physically and emotionally abusive toward me and my brother. He would throw her around, slam her head into things and eventually we had to live in a women's shelter to escape. Now that I'm older I look back and wonder why, if he was that dangerous to her, and if she thought for a second he'd molested me, why she let me go over unsupervised so much (I would spend a full week at a time there and even go on road trips with my sister) and the only thing I can think of is, a part of her was hoping I'd say he did something so she could finally have something to put him away with. It's disgusting, I know, But like I said my mom isn't what I'd call a stellar parent. Anyway, now I'm an adult and I've been in a stable and supportive relationship with a wonderful person for 3 years and we are expecting our first child together. A part of me fears I'll wind up becoming like my mother and hurting her like she hurt me, but I know that's just nerves. I just want to live my own life and finally be free of these persistent, intrusive thoughts and see happiness in the world again.
