Viewed Child Porn On Accident, Reported, Now I Am A Mess

[lostforgottensoul]

that is the #1 thing you need to work

Not sure its #1. It is, at least, sharing that spot with working on my mom and some other things.

But yes, I do know it will be something to work on.

 

[Megyn]

That's my point. Even if I opened my browsing history up to my therapist (though I can't ema...

I'm super tired as I haven't even slept yet- and I still need to respond to your response to me. I will after I sleep, but, I see you struggling to describe that watching porn is not an addiction, etc, that it's more than just having "willpower". I think I know exactly what you mean? It's like you're COMPELLED to do these things? Do you feel like you're back in time? Or at least, not all here in the present? I reenact the most horrible things, and I don't WANT to, but I cant stop myself (working on using grounding techniques, etc). It's something stronger and I lose myself when I'm "in it". I hate to even type this part, but in the beginning, at the start of reenacting, it's like I can hear a voice (in my head, not outside my head- and my therapist knows this all) telling me what to do. And obviously it starts with some sort of trigger, whether visual or a body memory or an intrusive thought.

I hope this makes sense... I apologize if not. I'm thoroughly exhausted but felt like I should reply to this. Take care Lost... just remember the great space you were in, reread your trauma diary, see how you got to that great space before, and try to know this is only temporary. I know, way easier said than done.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think I know exactly what you mean? It's like you're COMPELLED to do these things? Do you feel like you're back in time? Or at least, not all here in the present? I reenact the most horrible things, and I don't WANT to, but I cant stop myself (working on using grounding techniques, etc). It's something stronger and I lose myself when I'm "in it". I hate to even type this part, but in the beginning, at the start of reenacting, it's like I can hear a voice (in my head, not outside my head- and my therapist knows this all) telling me what to do. And obviously it starts with some sort of trigger, whether visual or a body memory or an intrusive thought.

YES!!!!

It is the same with the rituals. I didn't want to, didn't know why I was, knew it was wrong but couldn't stop doing it. I was able to stop doing them, eventually, by changing one and by changing the one was able to see that I actually did have a choice.

But this is still a ritual urge or up in that same area. And rituals aren't stopped by sheer will power but by actually understanding that I can choose differently. Until I see that I can't stop the behavior. So that's why "why" is important. Because then other methods of dealing and other things I can do can be discussed and depending on where I am, I can possibly see that I could choose not to. Or that if I choose not to or do differently, this bad thing that I have been conditioned to believe fully actually won't happen.

It is VERY hard to explain ritual urges and that I must do them and can't just not do it by will power. I have tried MANY times and couldn't. I jumped straight to trying to kill myself VERY quickly when I did that. It just doesn't work trying to stop by will power and generally adds to punishment when I failed to not do it. So then that made the entire thing so much worse.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It is VERY hard to explain ritual urges and that I must do them and can't just not do it by will power. I have tried MANY times and couldn't. I jumped straight to trying to kill myself VERY quickly when I did that. It just doesn't work trying to stop by will power and generally adds to punishment when I failed to not do it. So then that made the entire thing so much worse.

I so understand about how weak and useless will power alone fails. I admire your honesty for saying that. I think that you are doing the best you can under the circumstances. You need safety first I think. I have had my own troubles with will power failing me so I get that.

But I really think that focusing on making your self safe is paramount.:hug:

 

[ForgotToLive]

This is going to sound ignorant I'm guessing, cuz I know less than nothing about OCD or rituals, but is it possible to CHANGE a ritual SLIGHTLY instead of trying to stop it cold turkey? Like attach new rules to it? I mean that might be a safe way to start to take control by giving up some (but not all) control.

My thinking is that if you successfully can modify it... Well you didn't break it. I mean you still honored the rigidity that is required so you are still safe within the new rules. However if you can realize the modifications did not bring doomsday consequences then maybe you can see that the rituals themselves are arbitrary and thetefore optional. Like maybe you will be able to start to view them as unhealthy self-soothing techniques or something rather than powerful cause and effect measures... From that vantage point perhaps you can find healthier substitutes like maybe therapeutic tapping (pressure point tapping) techniques.

Again I am running blind on this so know I'm just trying to spark an idea of something to try.

I wish you could unattached love and physical pain. I am not into pain at all. I think just the act of existing is painful enough as it is. I don't even attach love to sex. The phrase "making love" makes me want to barf in my mouth. I am very comfortable compartmentalizing love and sex in different groups. Love is when my man thinks to turn on the driveway lights when I come home after dark. Sex is when he and I satisfy physical urges. That's it. Cut and dry. Very separate distinct things that have zero relationship to one another.

 

[PinCushionPrincess]

I have run through this thread in a bit of a tizz so please forgive me if my response isn't as relative or as helpful as it could be, or if it's something that has been suggested/brought up before. But it really struck me the comments about getting aroused by memories of abuse and that compulsion. I experienced this too, to the point where I couldn't climax unless reading/viewing/thinking about something horrific. It was my deepest secret, I was so ashamed, I couldn't even bring myself to discuss it my T. Then I came across a yoga therapist who dealt a lot with survivors of sexual abuse, and he started talking about this very issue. And he raised the theory that we replay and relive these events in this way as an attempt to change our experiences of them; if I replay memories/have thoughts of rape and abuse to get off when having sex with my partner, what I am trying to do is reclaim the events that happened to me and refashion it with a different outcome - with my partner this would be refashioning my traumatic experiences in a loving setting as if trying to turn the outcome of those experiences from negative to positive. Or if I'm masturbating maybe it's self love (though it can feel like self torture sometimes). I dont assume this is a universal thing, but it did strike a chord with me and help me in my understanding of my own compulsions. It helped me feel a lot less shame about it too, and I've actually reached a place now where pleasure is just that, self or otherwise. I sometimes still go back to those thoughts in those situations, but I don't beat myself up about it now, and actually I do it a lot less often. There was a time where it was the only way for me to feel pleasure, but now I have a much broader range of mental sexual stimulants that feel much healthier. It's as if understanding why I was doing it has been the key to shrinking it, almost banishing it completely

Anyway I feel like have rambled on, and I don't know how valuable my thoughts will be - but it was something that helped me, so I thought it was Worth a shot sharing it. I hope it's not just condescending or useless. You are incredible and I am in awe of you and your situation. I hope you can muddle through this with the rest of us. Xx

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I know less than nothing about OCD or rituals,

Its not OCD. It's a cult that I was raised in. Their rituals. I redo them as an adult. Or did.

but is it possible to CHANGE a ritual SLIGHTLY instead of trying to stop it cold turkey?

It is. I changed the first one which then allowed me to stop it and that also allowed them all to stop as it taught me how to think for myself. How to have choices. It sounds weird. That i dont know that i can choose differently but i was (and still am, just not as much) still fully controled by them. So i didnt have a choice. Learning how to have my own choices was huge for me.

attach new rules to it?

They have their own rules made by them. So i didn't make the rules, they did, and so it is very hard to change. They have to be done perfectly like *this* or I have to have a punishment.

God its so hard to explain this to people that haven't been raised in a cult. They control my mind and i can't rationalize that nothing will happen if i dont do it and dont do it perfectly like *this* as god says I have to like *this*

Huge mind f*ck!

But by being able to change up one showed me that i could sit there and pet my dog instead and nothing bad happened. It was like the biggest lightbulb moment ever. Which is why I think i was then able to stop the other rituals at the same time.

However if you can realize the modifications did not bring doomsday consequences then maybe you can see that the rituals themselves are arbitrary and thetefore optional.

There you go, you worded it better. Thats exactly it. Except I stopped them all months back. The ritual urges are back but I didn't do the fully ritual. I wanted to and had the "I must as god says so" mindframe but knew it would cause havioc on what I am trying to obtian (a service dog) and so didnt. So there i said no to the ritual and only did the porn part. Though porn is in all the rituals, the one is what i was "supposed to be doing".

Yes, I am not being more detailed on purpose. Many know what I am talking about but it isn't really required as it honestly doesn't matter which ritual it is.

I am def different on sex, pain, and love. It's mostly from all the mind games. "I am only doing this because I love you", "God is showing you that he loves you", "God told me/us to to show you he loves you/to punish you for being bad", "this is how love is shown" and many other things like that. Just typing those phrases arrouses me. And then the "gentle sex" with my step dad. My "first love". I would sneak around my mom to ask for it and it was very husband/wife/lover like. Very gentle and what one could call loving or even just meeting needs in a much more gentle way. That I constantly wanted. Mainly because he would do things like touch my face or hold me during it and stuff like that. But then, if he wanted, without being provoked, he could "switch" from nice, gentle, loving to doing torture to me or do painful things during the "gentle sex", just not as much.

But ever since I was 9, I never had sex without some sort of pain. Even the "gentle sex" had some pain in it. Not always a lot or not near as much but still did. So today any sex must have pain in it...the more the better as the more pain the more loving in my brain and it all equates to love.

I sometimes still go back to those thoughts in those situations, but I don't beat myself up about it now, and actually I do it a lot less often.

It's common.

I don't do it as much either bit it is back for a vengence. I think its likely connected to my mom's death but I don't know as I haven't dealt with that yet.

I am glad you can understand it better and not beat yourself up cause I know its a confusing thing. :hug:

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

But it really struck me the comments about getting aroused by memories of abuse and that compulsion. I experienced this too, to the point where I couldn't climax unless reading/viewing/thinking about something horrific. It was my deepest secret, I was so ashamed, I couldn't even bring myself to discuss it my T.

It is helpful to hear that other people struggle with this, too. Thanks.

 

[Gs172003]

Its not OCD. It's a cult that I was raised in. Their rituals. I redo them as an adult. Or...

Im flying blind myself too but....can you prove them wrong? Kids love go prove their parents wrong ( my kids did anyway)

Where other than them does it say that this is what God says to do? Can you find anywhere that says they are right OTHER than them and their "followers"?

I bet you can't.


My kids went out of their way to try to prove me wrong when they didn't like what I said. Maybe give that kid in you that chance?

I'm throwing darts here.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Zoogal, it doesn't matter if I can find (or not) their doctrine. It is engrained in my head and I must follow it or....or what? My brain won't go to the or what place. Or was always VERY severe torture, so I just follow. I am not given a choice.

And my brain just follows anyway. It is how it works.

Your kids rebel because they are normal kids, I wasn't.

My therapist is knocking down each idea from their Bible but it takes a VERY long time to knock down just one statement or idea or whatever. It took a year for one. A year to knock down one just to see that its possible to be wrong. Before that there is no way it could be wrong. Today it isn'r wrong but possible to be wrong.

When it comes to being "brainwashed" or indoctrinated or whatever, it is MUCH harder to change then one would think. My therapist had to use his own family to show me that that isn't how families are supposed to be.

Here is an intresting article. All of this is true for me:

Harmful effects of cults can also be seen in individuals who have left cults. Even those who have willingly left a destructive cult may experiencewithdrawal. After leaving a cult, a person may feelguilt, anxiety, or depression; fear large groups; have emotional outbursts; and experience insomnia,amnesia, or sexual dysfunction. Children who were raised in a cult may find it difficult to integrate into society, and those who were sexually abused may become hypersexualized.

Cults

Cult withdrawl is a term that refers to basically withdrawling from the beliefs and thoughts. Keeping the cult beliefs close and not wanting to let it go. That has to be worked through.

I can't find an average time that a programmed person becomes deprogrammed but 8 years into weekly therapy sessions outpatient we have made a dent in it where I can see that many things are possible to be wrong. And again, that is big for me as not even possibly being different us how I stayed for a long time. Reciting the cult's bible, going into a circle in therapy making a case for why it is correct and I always end with "i know it doesn't make sense but I believe it anyway" which is common.

I was also advised by my therapist that I had Stolkholm Syndrome and had to work through that first as I would turn and bite, very quickly, if anyone said anything bad about them. I couldn't see that they abused me. I couldn't see it as abuse at all. They did it because thats what god wanted. Its what god wants. Period.

I have worked through much of this. I can now see it as abuse. I can say its possibly bad. Its possible to be wrong.

But my own self esteem and my own self understanding. Like how i view myself and understand how i relate to the world or in the world is as they stated. I am what they said i am.

I didn't and couldn't question it. It wasn't possible to do. Today I can to an extent but I can't just rebel against it and regardless if it makes any sense or I can't find what they stated god told them anywhere else, it is how it is.

Think of it this way. You are taught that blue is blue and the sky is blue and that green is green and the grass is green. Right? You know blue is blue because you were told or taught that blue is blue.

I was taught, since the age of 6, that blue is green and green is blue. The sky is green and grass is blue. My core beliefs from the most core and deepest belief is what they taught. Changing that is HARD and takes a VERY long time.

Imagine someone telling you that the sky isn't blue. It's actually green. How long would it take to believe that, fully?

If you believe in god, imagine someone trying to take that belief away. Male you believe that there isn't a god. Or your sense of self. Your core beliefs. Imagine changing them all.

It's possible but no where near easy enough as to just trying to locate what they stated and understanding its not true because i can't find it. Or by rebeling. Rebeling in my world meant I was held under water until I passed out, locked in a closet for no food or water for days, chained up in the bathroom (and many other places) and pissed and shit on. Chained on my wrists and hung up on the ceiling by a pully that was placed up there by going into the attic and, I think, amd boled to a beem so it would hold me. So hung up there, by my arms, naked. Chained outside in the cold naked for the night. And many other things.

To rebel meant punished by torture. I cannot rebel even today.

But I can understand that what they stated may not be true. It just takes working it out for years in therapy.

I am not trying to shoot down anything @Zoogal, I hope you see that as most threads like this people think i am excusing everything or making excuses or shooting down everything so I am not trying and that isn't the case. I take in everything and mull it over and stuff.

It's just that trying to deprogram from a cult is very hard and takes a very long time. That's all I am trying to say.

And I know you are only trying to help. I just wanted to explain to maybe make it a bit easier to understand. Not sure if I did or not.

 

[Gs172003]

@Zoogal, it doesn't matter if I can find (or not) their doctrine. It is e...

I do understand. At some point the thought process has to change or the behavior won't. That's all I'm saying. And I also understand it will be very very hard.

I hope you get there. I really really do.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

At some point the thought process has to change or the behavior won't. That's all I'm saying

Oh, I realize that. And it has changed a lot and i have stopped the rituals which is huge. So change has been happening.