Vivid picture book memories

[Susan Jane]

I keep having this vivid memory of a building in Chinatown in downtown LA. I went there on a school trip. Something startled me on that trip, every time I see that building in my head I feel sick with dread. What happened there? It has been haunting me during every bad episode. I forget about it when I am feeling better. It always returns, an overcast rainy day, the building and my dread and fear. This is not my only vivid memory, there are many and dread, loneliness and fear are connected. How can I get to this? How can I see it more clearly? I want to… Any suggestions?

 

[Sideways]

One of the problems with going looking for memories is that our brains will, ultimately, give us an answer if we push it hard enough. The problem with that is that it won’t necessarily be true - it’s often just our brain’s ‘best guess’, and we won’t be able to tell the difference.

This is why 2 people can ‘remember’ the same event just as clearly, but have 2 different versions of what occurred. Our brains fill in gaps with it’s best guess every day of the week.

Depending on the type of therapist you see and the training they’ve had, they may or may not be trained in how to look at memory gaps without your brain resorting to filling the blanks.

Some Ts will tell you that, most often, if there’s experiences of trauma that our brain isn’t giving us access to, the best approach is to deal with the reasons why our brain doesn’t want to go there, rather than just trying to push ahead. It’s a (much) slower process, but as well as being more likely to ensure things you remember are actually memories, not best guesses, it also makes sure that if there is trauma to be uncovered, you’re in a position to safely receive that info.

 

[Charbella]

ChatGPT has given me a few good suggestions for doing this safely. Like @Sideways said figure out why. So figuring out what keeps you from it is a good thing. It had a fragment journal with different questions, like asking what feelings you have when you think about it. There were a lot of good suggestions including grounding exercises. Because pushing at trauma memories should be done in a safe way, preferably with your therapist.

For me I’m using ChatGPT to help me play with the edges so I’m more comfortable working with it in T. I have something going that’s a huge deal to me so I haven’t gotten far talking about it in therapy because it tends to make it more real which I’m doing in centimeters.

One of the things you should be asking is not how can I get to it but how can I feel safe enough to let the memory in, it’s clearly charged so how are you doing mentally? What do you have in place if it all goes to hell? Who could support you? Will you talk to them if you needed to? What does that school girl need to not feel afraid?

 

[arfie]

these kinds of memories have been and remain a common occurrence in my own recovery from trauma induced amnesia. i self-gaslight like a beaten crazy bitch wolf when i get aggressive in attempting to reconcile them. my own approach is to validate the memory with awareness and then work to let the mystery be. real time trauma? dream? movie image merged with childish memory? power of suggestion? i may never get to know. insert iris dement song here. "think i'll just let the mystery be."

but that is me and my case is atypically severe. steadying support while you sort your own.

 

[Susan Jane]

One of the problems with going looking for memories is that our brains will, ultimately, give us an answer if we push it hard enough. The problem with that is that it won’t necessarily be true - it’s often just our brain’s ‘best guess’, and we won’t be able to tell the difference.

This is why 2 people can ‘remember’ the same event just as clearly, but have 2 different versions of what occurred. Our brains fill in gaps with it’s best guess every day of the week.

Depending on the type of therapist you see and the training they’ve had, they may or may not be trained in how to look at memory gaps without your brain resorting to filling the blanks.

Some Ts will tell you that, most often, if there’s experiences of trauma that our brain isn’t giving us access to, the best approach is to deal with the reasons why our brain doesn’t want to go there, rather than just trying to push ahead. It’s a (much) slower process, but as well as being more likely to ensure things you remember are actually memories, not best guesses, it also makes sure that if there is trauma to be uncovered, you’re in a position to safely receive that info.

Thank you … I will bring it up next time I talk to my T. We started hypnoses to gently see-if I could handle it. I have no idea myself, about that memory in Chinatown, and you are right, I don’t want to speculate.

I had a real flashback this morning after waking up:
I watched my mother drive away after leaving me in my 4th foster home of strangers. My body felt electric shocks of terror and I thought, I was going to fade. I feel exhausted and spaced out now, but I let the terror fill me and kept breathing. This connection of body and memory is new, I normally push such things away and tell myself I am weak and not traumatized.

 

[Susan Jane]

ChatGPT has given me a few good suggestions for doing this safely. Like @Sideways said figure out why. So figuring out what keeps you from it is a good thing. It had a fragment journal with different questions, like asking what feelings you have when you think about it. There were a lot of good suggestions including grounding exercises. Because pushing at trauma memories should be done in a safe way, preferably with your therapist.

For me I’m using ChatGPT to help me play with the edges so I’m more comfortable working with it in T. I have something going that’s a huge deal to me so I haven’t gotten far talking about it in therapy because it tends to make it more real which I’m doing in centimeters.

One of the things you should be asking is not how can I get to it but how can I feel safe enough to let the memory in, it’s clearly charged so how are you doing mentally? What do you have in place if it all goes to hell? Who could support you? Will you talk to them if you needed to? What does that school girl need to not feel afraid?

You are right, feeling safe to explore it is more important. That picture is one of many from my childhood and fear and dread are connected. Maybe that is all the connection to those feelings. These feelings cause me to depersonalize and I can’t think straight. I will talk to my T and see. I needed my parents to give me grounding back then, they left me to fend for myself. I survived, but surviving is not a good way to live… I need to deal my fears and it is hard, as they are ghosts of the past.

 

[Susan Jane]

these kinds of memories have been and remain a common occurrence in my own recovery from trauma induced amnesia. i self-gaslight like a beaten crazy bitch wolf when i get aggressive in attempting to reconcile them. my own approach is to validate the memory with awareness and then work to let the mystery be. real time trauma? dream? movie image merged with childish memory? power of suggestion? i may never get to know. insert iris dement song here. "think i'll just let the mystery be."

but that is me and my case is atypically severe. steadying support while you sort your own.

Hey Arfie, good advice, maybe just accept its presence without really knowing. I am someone who likes clarity, as fear is my main obstacle. I have the desire to meet my fears and prove to myself I can stop them. Maybe accepting my fears and comforting myself with the knowledge it is okay to be afraid might calm me the heck down

 

[Sideways]

Hope it goes well.

We started hypnoses to gently see-if I could handle it.

Just FYI - While hyponosis is recommended for a range of mental health issues, mixing hypnosis with trauma is against best practice for trauma-informed therapists. For a range of reasons, but primarily due to the likelihood (more than risk) of recalling false memories.

I personally use hyponosis (very effectively) for relaxation and getting myself to sleep. I am by no means anti-hypnosis.

Memories recalled hyponosis are unreliable. That’s first-year psychology territory, but also a principle that professional hypontherapy organisations stand by. Recalling an unreliable memory is, easily, worse than not knowing. It rules out the chance of ever having reliable memories in the future.

 

[Susan Jane]

Hope it goes well.


Just FYI - While hyponosis is recommended for a range of mental health issues, mixing hypnosis with trauma is against best practice for trauma-informed therapists. For a range of reasons, but primarily due to the likelihood (more than risk) of recalling false memories.

I personally use hyponosis (very effectively) for relaxation and getting myself to sleep. I am by no means anti-hypnosis.

Memories recalled hyponosis are unreliable. That’s first-year psychology territory, but also a principle that professional hypontherapy organisations stand by. Recalling an unreliable memory is, easily, worse than not knowing. It rules out the chance of ever having reliable memories in the future.

Thank you for the information. The work we started is not about recalling exact memories but trying to find a safe place to begin to look at what I went through. The terror of my feelings, stops me from moving forward. It took me months to even imagine somewhere safe, where I could relax. I know what happened on a …yes that was my life level. I can’t reach my emotional reaction.

Would you recommend anything else? I think EMDR might put me over the edge. I tried it once 30 years ago and got worse.

I am having trouble finding a therapist for trauma. The T who is trying to help me with is someone I feel slightly safe with.

Any advice to think about is greatly appreciated.

 

[PamelaS]

Wishing you well, Susan with your quest to explore this. Hoping and praying that it’s done in a safe way for you. I myself have many gaps in my memory, but I have come to the place where I’d rather not know. I am not sure that I have enough life left to be able to process all of my trauma, because it has occurred through every season of my life. So now that I am finally safe, or somewhat safe in my presence circumstances, I’m trying to stay in that safety zone. To me it’s better for me to be able to function then to get to the bottom of it. But that’s just me and where I am in my life and I’m 63 years old. I’m just trying to allow life to be as pleasant as possible and as safe as possible. Wishing you well on your healing journey.

 

[Susan Jane]

Wishing you well, Susan with your quest to explore this. Hoping and praying that it’s done in a safe way for you. I myself have many gaps in my memory, but I have come to the place where I’d rather not know. I am not sure that I have enough life left to be able to process all of my trauma, because it has occurred through every season of my life. So now that I am finally safe, or somewhat safe in my presence circumstances, I’m trying to stay in that safety zone. To me it’s better for me to be able to function then to get to the bottom of it. But that’s just me and where I am in my life and I’m 63 years old. I’m just trying to allow life to be as pleasant as possible and as safe as possible. Wishing you well on your healing journey.

Thanks I can understand that. I think that is a good strategy, feeling safe. I lost one my jobs and it started this episode. I was having trouble at my other job so the combination of these events through me into panic mode. I guess that is why I don’t feel safe, I am not working at the moment and although I have sickness benefits I lost my earning power. Earning money is the only safety net I have ever known. Being in limbo and not feeling well enough to work spins me out. I am 60 and a change in careers seems too big. I have to work, but I cannot show up there, a place that I do not like… and get well. It is a toxic environment for me. I think most of my current state is related to this. This is why I am trying to find safety with myself, and that is why I am looking at my core issue: feeling safe inside. Working is the only thing I have consistently done since age 17.

 

[Sideways]

I am having trouble finding a therapist for trauma. The T who is trying to help me with is someone I feel slightly safe with.

Yeah, I hear you. The distribution of qualified therapists across the world is entirely inadequate.

If you have a good relationship with your current T, that’s worth a lot. But keep an eye out for specialised trauma therapists, even by telehealth options. They aren’t a golden bullet, but my own experience was that I went from struggling to stay stable to actually starting to heal once I shifted to a trauma specialist.

Would you recommend anything else? I think EMDR might put me over the edge. I tried it once 30 years ago and got worse.

I’d possibly consider revisiting EMDR.

Attempting EMDR while still unstable, or not having a good ability to ground, is potentially not a good idea. But you aren’t in the same place you were in 30 years ago. If you’re currently working on strategies to be able to find a space of internal safety, that’s will put you in a really solid position to revisit EMDR.

It’s always a bit of a gamble. Because bad therapy will make you worse. But it’s also true that with effective trauma therapy, things tend to get worse before they get better. That’s why being stable, being able to ground, having solid self care strategies in place, are essential starting points for trauma work.

I reckon give yourself the benefit of the doubt, though. You aren’t in the same place you were in 30 years ago. You now have an additional 30 years of self care strategies up your sleeve to draw on. And re-engaging with EMDR doesn’t mean you have to give up the work you’re doing with your current T. For the issue you described in your OP, EMDR would be my first suggestion for resolving that stuck place you’re currently in with the intrusive memories you’re experiencing.

Something to have a think about:)