Walking On Thin Ice

[SuperAnxietyGirl]

So... I get confusion spells (disassociation, I think?)...and lately when I get hit I see a past video game I used to love and play. My guess is that it was my safe place and I return to it in my CS (confusion spell). Well... it's been driving me insane and I'm finally getting a new Xbox...well...instead of being excited about the Kinect and new games, I only care about playing this game. It's an awesome game...don't get me wrong...but I'm sorta obsessing over it... But I'm worried. Just looking at the game boxes had a CS start to come on.

Luckily, I think I've found a way to ward them off...I think. it's almost like something is in my brain and I can choose to absorb it or choose to push it off. The problem is, it is tempting. You want to see the images flashing and are so close..yet you can't quite make them out. It only takes a moment of that weakness of wanting to see clearly what you are seeing to have it take over. It's the same with the feelings. I'll feel strange, familiar emotions and when I try to make it out it takes me over and I get a CS.

So, if I push it out and ignore the temptations of wanting to see and understand, then so far I have been good and it has been a good while since my last one.

So, if I play my game...I may find a source to my problems. I may figure out what's causing them... Something may change... Or my CSs may get worse. I've had two for-sure flashbacks just in the past couple of weeks. One was when we were pulled over and the Police lights caused me to have a panic attack that I managed to hide inside, and causing me to, whenever blink, see my yard with about 5 police cars.

My first real flashback, I think.

Then when I saw pictures from Georgia where I moved from in August, I felt my first physical flashback where I felt the humidity and started to sweat from the non-existing heat.

Anyways, this is mostly me just writing out my thoughts and feelings. If something doesn't make sense feel free to ask...I always write late so my writing may be messy...

Really I'm just concerned about the game bringing up memories I don't want to see... Also it looks like I'm going to be getting a doctor. Maybe they'll refer me to someone for my PTSD and other potential problems? I want the help, but I'm also afraid of diagnosis. What if it's like one big F on a test? What if it'll effect my future... etc etc...

 

[TroyW]

Getting help for it will affect your future in a good way. I am receiving help now it is one of the best things n in my life... I have friends now and learning how to express happiness without drugs and alcohol 22 days sober. A day at a time..

 

[Recovery Girl]

Hi ya Super Anxiety Girl, I'm sorry you are having to go through all this crap. But, I am so glad you feel able to come here and express yourself. Even though I have been through my own hell,,I cannot know what you should do. But I wanted to tell you that doctors helped me. Both regular docs and therapists.

I think I would want to try the games and see. Don't let the fear ruin something you enjoy if you can help it! I so hope it all goes well for you!

 

[The Hermit King]

Video games help me big time. I think they are a good way for your mind to escape when you need to that doesn't involve alcohol or drugs. I have never had a flash back from a video game but I have definitely had video game dreams before many times.

Maybe you just love the game because its a good game that brings you pleasant feelings and your brain is trying to tell you to play it again because you need some pleasant feelings right now.

If it were me I would definitely play through the game again and maybe it will be even better on the new more powerful system. :tup:

 

[SuperAnxietyGirl]

Thanks TroyW and Recovery girl! And TroyW, congrats on being sober!!

Over9000, I don't know...the feelings I receive with the "confusion spells" are anything but pleasant... Which is why I worry about playing the game. But I wonder if it'll help in some way....

 

[TroyW]

I think playing it would be good just because for me video games were my escape also. Being in control of my own little world its great and helps to take your mind off of negative thoughts. We disassociate from things we once enjoyed getting back into it would be good for your recovery I think. Have some good memories come back instead of just the bad.

 

[SuperAnxietyGirl]

That's a good point. Thank you!

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@SuperAnxietyGirl I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. I definitely hope you're able to enjoy the games!!

This is just a thought, definitely not necessarily a good one, but do you think if you let the memory sink in for a few moments so that you know what you're body is trying to tell you it could help?

Again, I totally understand if that's not right for you, but for me sometimes letting the memory come to me so I deal with it then releases itself from my body.

Sending good thoughts your way!!

 

[SuperAnxietyGirl]

Well...sadly my ideas about the confusion spells didn't work... I had my first full-blown one in a month. Not feeling very good now, since they make me very weak and shake.

@Definitely..maybe , I've tried that... but I never get anything good out of it. It's better to try to fight in so I don't get the after-effects of the spell then to take it in. Thank you! :))

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@SuperAnxietyGirl I'm sorry! I wish I had better advice! I hope you're doing okay, if you need anything- let me know!:hug:

 

[SuperAnxietyGirl]

Thank you very much! You are very kind!!