I think about sex all day. Pretty much obsessed with it 24/7 until me and my husband get in bed, then I shrink back and don't want to be touched. I panic and have to calm myself and try to use my imagination to get me into it. I am really attracted to him and we flirt all day with each other, so I don't know why I do this. It just doesn't make any sense. Also, he is very gentle but I want to be brutalized. I want to be forced and used for his pleasure, but I know he'd never do anything like that. He won't do it because of my childhood abuse, but also because he thinks it would be disrespecting me. But I hate making love. Don't feel like I deserve it, I guess. Can't orgasm with sex either, only through masturbation or oral sex or anal sex but never vaginal sex. I'd rather masturbate than have sex any day, even though I think about sex all day.
I was very promiscuous as a teen/young adult. I fantasized when I was a preteen about growing up to be a prostitute because I thought it would be the best job ever. I liked dangerous one night stands in public places with men I just met. I felt like I had to have sex with a guy in order to get a hug or kiss from them. I still think about one night stands, even though I would never cheat on my husband. But I fantasize a lot about violent humiliating sex (oral sex, anal sex etc). I never fantasize about a particular person (they usually have no face) but I fantasize about being raped and liking it. I want to be humiliated and hurt.
Can someone please explain why I think this way? My background is I was molested and raped by my father from birth til 15 years old, he also physically abused me and mentally too. Was raped at a party by a boyfriend at 15 who then tried to pass me off to a friend (thankfully when I broke down to the friend, he wouldn't do anything with me), then I was 'rented out' over and over by another boyfriend from 19-22. I know I have no self esteem.
Maybe if I understand WHY I am thinking like this, I can change the way I think. I've just begun my therapy sessions and we haven't gotten anywhere near this stuff yet. We're still addressing background stuff.
Thank you for listening :)
I was very promiscuous as a teen/young adult. I fantasized when I was a preteen about growing up to be a prostitute because I thought it would be the best job ever. I liked dangerous one night stands in public places with men I just met. I felt like I had to have sex with a guy in order to get a hug or kiss from them. I still think about one night stands, even though I would never cheat on my husband. But I fantasize a lot about violent humiliating sex (oral sex, anal sex etc). I never fantasize about a particular person (they usually have no face) but I fantasize about being raped and liking it. I want to be humiliated and hurt.
Can someone please explain why I think this way? My background is I was molested and raped by my father from birth til 15 years old, he also physically abused me and mentally too. Was raped at a party by a boyfriend at 15 who then tried to pass me off to a friend (thankfully when I broke down to the friend, he wouldn't do anything with me), then I was 'rented out' over and over by another boyfriend from 19-22. I know I have no self esteem.
Maybe if I understand WHY I am thinking like this, I can change the way I think. I've just begun my therapy sessions and we haven't gotten anywhere near this stuff yet. We're still addressing background stuff.
Thank you for listening :)
