Relationship Wanted So Much To Be There For Her

[Gryffy]

A couple months ago, this girl asked me out and it was going very well. I finally worked up the courage to kiss her (which took a while, in no small part due to my own abandonment issues which she was unaware of at the time) and we fooled around but stopped short of actually having sex by my request- I felt it was too soon. But she was really into it and everything seemed great, except that I was putting in way more work than she was, but she seemed to be opening up more with time so I figured it was an issue of trust/comfort.

The next day we were texting and she hinted that something was wrong but didn't want to tell me. Eventually she comes to my apartment to break up with me but can't give me a reason, just asks to be friends instead. Later she tells me she has PTSD due to a prior sexual assault.

I didn't really understand what that meant, but I told her that I'd be supportive (friend or not, but I still had feelings for her so any friendship couldn't be platonic), but to please not push me away because of my abandonment issues. She never really responded- we saw each other once or twice over the next week but only for a quick hello and never really discussed it.

I did a ton of reading about PTSD so that I could understand better and be there for her. She had told me she was interested in dating me but that this was getting in the way, so I explained to her that I'm still willing to do this and I really want to support her if she'd let me, we could take it slow if that's what she needed, and find something that worked for both of us. And that I missed her and invited her to watch a movie or something when she feels up to it.

At that point, she kind of ignored everything I'd said and just told me that she flat-out doesn't want a romantic relationship of any kind, and that she "didn't want to sound harsh." At that point I needed to explain to her how she's done so many things that hurt me, that I'm still trying to be there for her, but if she was serious about being friends then she'd have to earn back a fair bit of trust. I had been hiding how hurt I was because I didn't want her to feel worse, but I also needed her to know. I think I was an experiment for her to see if she was ready for a relationship yet or not, and when she wasn't, she hoped that I'd just kind of be okay with having been thrown for a loop, and she couldn't deal with it when I wasn't even though I wanted to work through it with her. She told me that all this is too much and that maybe we shouldn't even try to develop a friendship.

I know she gets down on herself and is probably upset with herself right now, but she hasn't been able to acknowledge verbally that she did anything wrong. She's not emotionally capable right now of handling the drama that's come from me being hurt or to work on building up trust. I know it's hard, and when we try to do hard things we often fail, but I don't feel like she's even trying or willing to put in any effort here. So I agreed that maybe we should walk away because even friendship takes work on both sides. I hope I phrased things well to her....I made a serious effort to sound calm and composed but underneath I was very upset.

It's just that even though I've been hurt and part of me is angry, I know she doesn't handle these things well and it breaks my heart to know she's in pain. Aside from this, she is genuinely the nicest, sweetest person and is dedicating her career to helping people. She doesn't deserve this. Neither do I.....abandonment issues aren't quite as bad as PTSD, but they're no walk in the park either, and this situation made mine worse.

Still, I might reach out to her again in a couple months. Just to be friends once the drama's died down. I do miss having her around, and she lives right across the street. I have to look at her building every day and be reminded of this.

 

[aj1]

My story is quite similar to yours. In my opinion I met my best friend and soul mate. After three months she called me amazing and then broke up with me. I waited a month and sent her an email, to which there was no reply. I followed that email up with a text after about another month. We traded a few texts and she said she would reply. Fast forward to the Christmas card I sent her, and she did not reply.

I honestly am still very sad. Our paths are very unlikely to cross as we only share one mutual friend. I am now about 7 weeks post Christmas card and I am pretty sure she will never speak to me again. I tried my hardest to give her space to regroup, but she was already done before I even knew she needed space.

I hate to be the wet blanket, but don't hold out hope. You have made your position known, and she has made hers known. At least we got this much, some supporters have their loved ones just up and leave without even a goodbye.

My heart will always be broken for her. I am sure yours will be too. I still don't have an answer on why. I struggle with why my love isn't enough, but it isn't. Like you said, our pain pales in comparison, but it still hurts pretty damn bad. I think that is the only thing I can be truly angry at her about. The avoidance.

I never told her how hard I took this. I just tried to reaffirm my unconditional support.

I wish you the best, be sure to take care of yourself.

 

[billie]

(((Hugs))) @ both aj1 and Gryffy, relationships with ptsd is enormously hard.

 

[Gryffy]

Thank you guys. It means a lot to have people who are going through the same thing...I'm glad I found this place.

aj1- Thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm so sorry. :( That's a hard thing to bear. I've been a little more fortunate in that she'd only ignore my texts/messages for days instead of months or permanently, and she'd often make an attempt to respond (a couple times all she could manage was a response that wasn't really her- very impersonal, diplomatic and/or not entirely truthful or addressing anything substantive). Whether that's because her PTSD isn't as bad as other people's or because she was trying very hard, I don't know.

I know for a fact that she's a hopeless romantic and that she very much wants a loving relationship. We'd only been dating for a couple months and only officially "together" for a day, so I'm not in love with her, but I feel in my heart that I would be if it was given time to develop. I've been through the trials before (not with PTSD, but all of my relationships have been with some pretty "damaged" people, including my very first one which was with a bipolar schizophrenic) so I know I could stand by her. And I hope that eventually she finds someone else who can, but admittedly it's rare and I'm concerned she'll ALWAYS walk away like this. She's extremely loyal to people she cares about....it's just getting to that stage without being pushed away first is near impossible.

I feel like I told her that I'd be there for her and now we're not even going to be friends, and I feel guilty because I allowed that to happen even though it's what she said she wanted? I also feel bad because I warned her that pushing people away like that is what causes and perpetuates abandonment issues like my own, which is honest and very important for her to know, but I'm also worried that she'll be even less likely to open up to people in the future for fear of hurting them the way she hurt me.

It's not me, it's the stress of the current situation, so I hope that when I reach out to her again once the stress dissipates then it'll be better, but I can't tell the future.

 

[aj1]

I think we use the word love incorrectly in English. If you look at the four types of love I think it is very easy to check off two or three types in a very short time.
Storge – affection
Philia – friendship
Eros – romance
Agape – unconditional love

They say Agape takes years to develop. That is the love we all long for, and like you said, if given the chance, could be developed. I don't want to speak for anyone else, but I think developing any of the first three is very hard for sufferers.

 

[Gryffy]

That's really insightful and makes a lot of sense. Ugh, this is all just so effed up. I really want her to be happy.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sufferer here. Just a few things...

She has told you how she feels, ie doesn't want a relationship. If you choose to ignore her words, don't blame her for her behavior. She put her cards on the table, so it's not fair to hold it against her.

You also say that her pushing people away causes abandonment issues in other people. You come into this relationship with abandonment issues. You know what you're up against. Again, don't pin your personal issues on her.

I know you've been in relationships with people who have "issues" but PTSD is so much different than other disorders. I see you as wanting to save her and change her while blaming her at the same time.

I think you should examine why you don't want to believe what she tells you.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

PTSD does not, in my opinion, follow the same or similar instincts or patterns as non-PTSD issues. I believe I have fairly serious trust issues based on my past experiences. To a certain degree I can identify or recognize the fight or flight responce. But, I think, it's like comparing treading water in a small pool to treading water in the middle of the Atlantic ocean.

I think most supporters try very hard to understand, but we can't, not really. I think we don't have to understand it necessarily. It's not a puzzle to be deciphered. It's not rational, it's primal. It needs to be understood as an abstract, a concept. Doing the reading is essential to get an idea, but then it's the individual. You learn them as much as they will let you or as much as they are capable of explaining. Then accept they do not think like you do. It's very hard. You cannot fix them with love, you cannot make their life less impacted by stress.

I don't know. I just wanted to share. I still love my sufferer although he walked away without a word after almost 3 years together. But I do know I can't understand it using my own logic. It is what it is and you cannot support someone who is unable to accept or doesn't want your support or gives up or goes away. PTSD is not issue, it is a mental disorder. Their brains literally work differently. Just my opinion. I wish you the best.

 

[Barconian]

I think we use the word love incorrectly in English.

Number 4 is the answer

 

[Echo]

I, too, feel you should accept what this girl is saying to you. You are only making it harder for yourself. People with CPTSD/PTSD are very capable of love and commitment. I know; I am one. When the PTSD strikes we are in a state of overwhelm and need to focus on our own healing. Please bear in mind the reasons why we have PTSD in general in the first place. If related to sexual abuse or rape, or other emotional abuse, we have been subject to someone else's utter lack of respect for our personal safety and autonomy. What we say has not counted and has not been heard. We have been rail-roaded. If we have grown up with child abuse, we have developed behaviours that don't function very well in adulthood. We tend to put ourselves last; we are over-sensitive to other people's needs, because we have had to become so. We have needed to read other people's every emotional nuance to try and predict when we might be attacked again and in order to keep ourselves safe.

When PTSD strikes, we have to learn to put ourselves first and listen to our bodies. We have to learn to make sure our 'no' is heard. We have to learn to put boundaries in place. All of this is exquisitely difficult for us.

So when someone comes along and wants something from us, it won't feel right if that person is demanding and doesn't respect what we say or our physical boundaries. We need patience and gentleness. We need to offer it to ourselves first and foremost, because we are often very hard on ourselves, given the deep-seated blame and shame we feel about ourselves. But we do need it from our supporters, and can offer it in return.

Whilst we work on our issues and getting back into balance - and it takes a long time - we do need for the people around us to work on their own issues, too, if they have any. Any relationship gets out of balance, PTSD or not, if one party is not taking responsibility for themselves. You don't say what you are doing about your own issues. Maybe you, too, are in therapy of some kind. This girl is not responsible for your abandonment issues. It would be manipulative of you if you tried to claim otherwise (of course, you may not be doing so, although what you write suggests that you might be - apologies if I misunderstand). And it would not be right to seek to blame her, as you break up, for those feelings you experience. I would suggest you work on yourself first before entering a relationship with anyone.

I know, for me, despite my severe CPTSD, I want to be in a loving relationship. What I do know is that I will be the one to heal myself; no-one needs to rescue me. I also know that I need a partner, whatever issues he may have (and I wouldn't discount a partner with issues - far from it), to be working on those and taking responsibility for them. Projecting our stuff onto one another will only end in disaster. Yes, mutual support is lovely, and we all benefit from it, and long for it, but it only works well when we are taking responsibility for ourselves.

People with PTSD are dealing with a great deal of damage and mental pain. I share the view that it is not a mental disorder, but brain injury caused by the abuse done to us. A brain injury that can heal. We are not emotional cripples. What we can't do, whilst suffering from the condition, is anymore put everyone else first. If you want things to work out with this girl, don't be demanding, demonstrate that you are working on your own issues, take it very slow (if she is even open to that) and be honest with yourself about what you want.

Sorry if any of the above sounds harsh. It is not meant to be so.

 

[Gryffy]

I am respecting her choice. The thing with abandonment issues is literally just that abandonment for any reason causes/worsens them. It's not a matter of projecting anything onto her. I know she can't totally control it so I tried to forgive her and work through the problem together. Not wanting to work on it together was kind of like a second abandonment, but even still, I want her to be happy. I'm just not sure how many more times I can pick up the pieces.

Most people with abandonment issues either go from one "relationship" to the next in desperate (and often misguided) search of someone who will care for them. Others choose unattainable partners, or ones with no interest in commitment, so that they don't get too attached in the first place. I'm careful to not fall into these patterns, and I live my own life, but at the same time you cannot live without love. I only date partners who are kind and loving and interested in a real relationship, who I don't think will abandon me, but then they always do. Maybe the people I end up with are so kind and loving because they're experiencing deep pain of their own which they do not tell me about until later. But in literally every single one of my attempted relationships, the other person has withdrawn to deal with their own problems and pushed me away and refused to let me be there for them, much like (and including) this one with the PTSD.

I know they're doing what they need to do for themselves, as they should really. The sane part of me knows that all I can do is offer my support while respecting her wishes. However, when this happens repeatedly to you for reasons beyond your control, it creates its own form of "brain injury" or "mental disorder" or whatever is the appropriate word. Anxiety, trust issues, depression, and a low sense of self worth, all of which I have made great strides in working on. Whenever abandonment happens again, it is a huge set back in dealing with those. I do not blame her for taking care of herself, however I am kind of upset that she sought me out and asked ME out first knowing that this could likely happen and let it take me by surprise.

 

[Echo]

@Gryffy - many people with CPTSD/PTSD also have abandonment issues. I do, too. You are not alone in this. Sometimes a particular relationship precipitates the onset of PTSD or aspects of it in ways that cannot be predicted by the sufferer. Maybe it went deeper for her, or maybe inadvertently she got triggered. She won't have known that this would happen. She won't have set out to hurt you. You are the only one who is responsible for your feelings.

You are blaming this girl for getting involved with you. Why are you not blaming yourself for getting involved in a relationship when you have such severe abandonment issues? I don't think you should be blaming yourself OR the girl, by the way, but why are you not seeing that you agreed to get involved too, despite your issues. You are where you are with her. You both have learned something. Now is your chance to face your stuff and get help to heal it - and it can heal. Do something about it and next time, maybe even with this girl in the future, you will be ready to enter a relationship that is not about being co-dependent. There are lots of resources out there that would help you with understanding co-dependency, probably even on this website, though I haven't checked. None of us can be dependent on another for our emotional well-being without it going wrong. If you check this out, you will, like I and many others have had to, learn why you have abandonment issues in the first place and you will see the pathway towards healing set out for you. I wish you luck.