Sorry, my sentence wasn't clear; I have now edited it. I was wondering why you got involved in this relationship when you yourself have such abandonment issues? The reality is that we all tend to think we can fix things by entering into what we think will be a better relationship, when actually the truth is we have to fix those things inside ourselves. No amount of love from someone in the present will fix why you have abandonment issues from the past. Only you can do that. Apologies for any confusion.
Thank you. I do see why you'd think that......it's a little different. I didn't really date in high school or college for several reasons, the main one being focused on my work (but grappling with my sexuality and then falling in love with a straight girl didn't help). Love and relationships are an important part of life and I felt lonely and like my growth in that department had been stunted. So I've been making an effort to get out there and date people in the hopes of having that kind of healthy relationship in my life.
During HS/college, even though I didn't "date," I did have two long-distance relationships with people I knew online and talked to every day so we grew close. Both of them had serious personal issues and ended things very abruptly without telling me anything and blocking me out. Maybe part of the initial appeal WAS that they were unattainable, but I realized that that's not what I wanted so I tried dating locally. With most people, there was just no mutual attraction, which is normal. Two people led me on and were rather harsh in kicking me to the curb, and then this girl with PTSD who again abruptly ended things with almost no communication. It's to the point now where even when things seem to be going well, in the back of my mind I still expect to be abandoned, I tell myself that I'm being silly, but then it happens again which reinforces the problem.
It's weird because one part of my brain is sane- on my own, I'm independent and don't have too many confidence issues anymore. I've accomplished a lot that I'm proud of and I've got my life together. However, when people keep leaving you, it creates this other part of your brain that says "you weren't good enough. They weren't willing to try to work through this with you because they didn't think you were worth the effort." Even if they do care, I always end up caring more about them than they do about me (I'm careful not to be clingy, but I do get attached too quickly when I find someone I'm into, which is very rare), and fall into this pattern of putting more into the relationship than they do. Which isn't healthy and I know I need to work on that. At the same time, I still do need to have at least one normal, healthy relationship in my life, so I have to keep trying even though I consistently get hurt. Just the more it happens, the harder it is to recuperate.
