Wanting to Mention trauma-based anything without the room going Quiet

[Survivor3]

I can really relate to what your saying. There's a fine balance between being positive 'keeping quiet and saying yeah (I'm fine, I'm ok) or being like ( actually I'm not ok at the moment, because of this or that). I had a meeting at my jobcentre the other day with a new lady and she said are you ok. I replied with (No I'm not at the moment im having a real rough patch). She dealt with it well and there was a sense of respect that i was just being honest.

Anyway when I'm generally with new people I don't go into deep stuff but when I'm with people that I know may have similar issues then I let my guard down more and let more information out about how things really are. You have too constantly gauge it.

 

[TruthSeeker]

What are friends?

@DharmaGirl I'm only able to answer from my perspective. Friends come and go, friendships happen quite differently with different people, and with all of these....I do not push friendships....I let them happen.

Acquaintances-low level friends-you don't tell personal stuff to because either the relationship is a casual one, and you share your time doing an activity, they are a neighbor who just watches your home when you go away......I have a number of people here. These people may or may not gossip-I don't care. Co-workers usually fall in this category....I may have known these people a short time or a long time, but I'm satisfied with the distance in the relationship.

Good friends-I have a couple of people I'd name good friends, but I still keep my anxiety, serious health issues, and gossip worthy stuff to myself....but I do share more with them than acquaintances. Trust is being built....but they are not best friend quality....that takes a really long time doing. May or may not communicate regularly-have known for years.

Best friend-I have one, known her 16 years, she keeps confidences confidential, and doesn't gossip about me, communicates regularly (weekly) and will ask me for help or I'd offer right out. Weve traveled together, been at each other's house for the holidays, know each other's family. I'd leave her in charge of my funeral and whatever estate I have left because I trust her to make my life decisions (if I were dying). She has proven over a long time how trustworthy she is, and shows give and take in the relationship, without ever any malice or intentional/unintentional hurt.

Then there is sexual partner....lover....yeah, none of those came from long-term or best friends relationships ...they started out as number acquaintances (My parents left out the lesson on best friends first-hit the sack after you develop a friendship -that takes more than a month or two....hormones ruled in those days).

This is just how I see friendships in my life. I am grateful for having these people in my life....

 

[Friday]

Point taken.

Oh no... I was asking seriously. :D

Because your friends most likely have the same sorts of cues & social/moral mores you do // IE that’s part of why you’re friends -or- (if you’re more like me, and make friends outside of your cohort) they’re different enough that once you identify your own path(s) to comfy convo about difficult to impossible things, it makes it about a zillion times easier to see where theirs would be, or probably is.

For example?

- If I’m talking with most academics the way to broach anything hard is to pull in the experts. “Have you read So&So? I’ve been reading So&So lately, and it’s f*cking fascinating. Here. Lemme grab out their latest piece and read a passage from it.”

- If I’m talking to political/diplomatic types? It’s by places, and social structures rather than individuals/theory/case study. “Are you read in on, or ever been posted to <fill In region here> ? Because I’ve really been thinking a lot lately on how they handle __________.“

^^^ Those ^^^ are both “getting closer via distance”, any subject on the planet becomes discussable via someone else’s work or somewhere else’s situation.

- Other groups, meanwhile, the way in is first hand info only... (I’ll show you mine only if you show me yours first AND do it in the “right” way.). But HOW that’s done? Varies wildly. MY cohort group, the one I don’t have to think about, or run through any kind of filter / but can simply be myself and talk without having to think about who/how/when/where first? Is one of these groups. And like most others it isn’t as simple as just proving your right to talk about shit up front, but there’s an easy/complicated series of conditions that have to be met, both first & ongoing.

So if you can work out how someone makes YOU comfy enough to talk about anything? You can usuallly either reverse that process, or use it so see what others need. <<< Doesn’t mean it’s something you’ll be willing to do... I have friends, perfectly lovely people my life is far better for knowing, that No. Way. In. Hell. am I going to lay things out in a way they’d be willing to talk about them. Eew. Ick. Gross. Just runs too damn contrary to everything I am. The ONLY way we are going to talk about certain things? Is if they change how they do things, rather than the other way around. And that’s okay. They’re not in my life because we talk about hard shit together. They’re in my life because they’re amazing people... in totally different ways.

 

[Mach123]

This comes up fairly often. I have cPTSD from CSA. I don't want to say that. Except in very few instances, nobody wants to know.

A lot of people bent over backwards to help me. People stopped what they were doing and picked me up. I'm grateful.

I talk about it with people who are helping me. I'm happy to try and help others in return. If I think someone wants to hear it or it'll help them, I'm happy to share.

 

[CanDo]

@Friday -- Lol, I usually start by saying "My other personality has a sister," and then, whatever I say afterwards seems small by comparison. (apologies if that's really a thing for anyone)

@DharmaGirl -- I'm sorry, that stinks. When my symptoms first got set off, I only had 1 real friend other than family and it's pretty much a miracle I had her. She was an unusually mature and trustworthy person who knew me from before. And, even with her, I only went out to go certain places when my symptoms were in-check. Later, I slowly began accruing more friends who were likewise mature or who were going through something themselves. When my symptoms got a little better, I could add others to my repertoir, but even now I'm not overflowing with multitudes of friendships. It takes time, and (like I said) mature, understanding ppl.

 

[joeylittle]

And, inevitably, at some point during outings or dinner, someone will get on the subject of weird medical stuff they're dealing with. Which turns into a fun-loving, free-for-all game of mine's bigger...medical problems, ppl, get your heads out of the gutter.

So everything under the sun gets mentioned from ingrown toenails that have apparently started tunneled through their foot and got wrapped up somewhere around their spleen to funny anxiety issues and weird muscle pains. These are youngish ppl, meaning around 30's.

It sounds to me like the conversation isn't geared towards serious, ongoing medical issues. In the kind of convo you are describing, I can understand why bringing up your PTSD would change the temperature in the room.

If the room is joking, laughing, and it's all under the heading of "weird, outsized, funny medical issues" - bringing up PTSD is a big shift in tone.

Do you not see that?

 

[CanDo]

@joeylittle — If it’s all laughter and joking, then yes, I can see how throwing serious, heavy stuff into the mix might be a party foul.

I might have been ad-libbing, stretching it a little bit on the joking tone of the conversation. Some of the conversations are perfectly serious w ppl opening up. It’s just that everything on the posts seem so heavy and difficult, it’s nice to add some levity from time to time and find something to laugh about — with full respect to the fact that is a heavy, difficult thing to go through. No offense intended.

 

[Sideways]

If I comment that I have ptsd, in a fairly relaxed way, in the appropriate context? It almost uniformly gets met in a fairly relaxed way.

There is absolutely nothing relaxing about me saying “I have ptsd because I was sexually abused as a child”, in any context.

You aren’t the only person at the table that has life experiences or health issues that aren’t appropriate fodder for those sorts of conversations.

 

[CanDo]

Duly noted, apologies

 

[Mach123]

Similarly, regarding changing the tone of the conversation, I was diagnosed with cancer recently. Somehow I have it catorgorized and I'm going on, you know, like nothing's going on.

I've told some people though and nobody takes it well. Me included, because I don't want to talk about it. People look scared when you say it. Nobody wants to know about the big c. Then I have to explain the whole thing.

I'm like the person in the movie who knows the monsters are real. It's a burden sometimes because I like to talk. It is soothing for me. It took me 4 years to get most of it out in therapy.

I write a lot because it is lonely sometimes. You want to feel a connection with someone else. I think most people who write a lot are lonely. Once a week with the therapist seems not enough.

There are not lots of places to go with it. I'm getting used to it.

 

[TruthSeeker]

What are friends?

@DharmaGirl I'm only able to answer from my perspective. Friends come and go, friendships happen quite differently with different people, and with all of these....I do not push friendships....I let them happen.

Acquaintances-low level friends-you don't tell personal stuff to because either the relationship is a casual one, and you share your time doing an activity, they are a neighbor who just watches your home when you go away......I have a number of people here. These people may or may not gossip-I don't care. Co-workers usually fall in this category....I may have known these people a short time or a long time, but I'm satisfied with the distance in the relationship.

Good friends-I have a couple of people I'd name good friends, but I still keep my anxiety, serious health issues, and gossip worthy stuff to myself....but I do share more with them than acquaintances. Trust is being built....but they are not best friend quality....that takes a really long time doing. May or may not communicate regularly-have known for years.

Best friend-I have one, known her 16 years, she keeps confidences confidential, and doesn't gossip about me, communicates regularly (weekly) and will ask me for help or I'd offer right out. Weve traveled together, been at each other's house for the holidays, know each other's family. I'd leave her in charge of my funeral and whatever estate I have left because I trust her to make my life decisions (if I were dying). She has proven over a long time how trustworthy she is, and shows give and take in the relationship, without ever any malice or intentional/unintentional hurt.

Then there is sexual partner....lover....yeah, none of those came from long-term or best friends relationships ...they started out as number acquaintances (My parents left out the lesson on best friends first-hit the sack after you develop a friendship -that takes more than a month or two....hormones ruled in those days).

This is just how I see friendships in my life. I am grateful for having these people in my life....

Similarly, regarding changing the tone of the conversation, I was diagnosed with cancer recently. Somehow I have it catorgorized and I'm going on, you know, like nothing's going on.

I've told some people though and nobody takes it well. Me included, because I don't want to talk about it. People look scared when you say it. Nobody wants to know about the big c. Then I have to explain the whole thing.

I'm like the person in the movie who knows the monsters are real. It's a burden sometimes because I like to talk. It is soothing for me. It took me 4 years to get most of it out in therapy.

I write a lot because it is lonely sometimes. You want to feel a connection with someone else. I think most people who write a lot are lonely. Once a week with the therapist seems not enough.

There are not lots of places to go with it. I'm getting used to it.

I hope that you have a positive outcome on your health. Sending you some positive thoughts and energy for that. But about the writing, I'm quite verbal, too....sometimes too much so and writing these past few years, a positive outlet.... Am I lonely...sometimes more than others.......well, a lot less now than I was, as I'm allowing myself to connect with others and slowly, build new relationships.
Good luck.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I'm only able to answer from my perspective

I meant that I don't have many friends. I know what they are. Thank you for your well thought out and well written answer though. I'm agoraphobic so it makes friends hard.