Sexual Assault Was A Sexually Abused As A Child???

[Ronin]

Shanley, it sounds it might be better if you distract yourself a while, and find comfort first?

Memories, if repressed, don't come out just at poking that often, or not more coherent certainly. You need to be safe first, and to sort through them? Pfft. Even more supported.

It won't change who you're now. It won't shape who you can, and will, be. It won't change the bases of your life now, it might just touch them and scroll past.

 

[Stickler]

One...I think chances are that something happened.

If you had a NORMAL day at the beach you would not have blotted that out, would you?
Look at the evidence of damage. Lots of it.
The thing is though...getting recall does not go all * that* far into undoing the damage. You will probably get it. Something bad probably happened. Work on the symptoms now.

Two...if you are that poor, look into Medicaid. If you are not poor enough for Medicaid, look into community organizations that might take you on a sliding scale. You need therapy.

Three...I don't know you are ready for this yet, but go ahead and get a used copy of " sexual healing journey " by Wendy Maltz. Read it over.

 

[Shanley]

I will, thank-you =(

 

[sun seeker]

Did something happen? It seems evident that something did. Whether that was sexual abuse or something else, none of us can say. But you don't develop symptoms like these:

I also have an extreme unfounded fear of being in a car near the water and I feel that may be due to the fact that whatever happened (if anything DID happen) happened near the water in a car. I also have a fear of churches and a severe aversion to anything relating to religion. I have had constant reoccurring nightmares, very strange dreams and high amounts of anxiety for seemingly no reason.

... for no reason at all. I would invite you to look again at how you are thinking about this. You use the words "unfounded" and "no reason at all" but that does not seem very likely. What about replacing those with "for reasons I don't know yet?"

I can strongly empathize with how distressing it is to feel that something happened but not know what, and the going back and forth doubting one's own mind. It's a horrible feeling. It's also very common. It comes in waves in my experience. One thing that helped me was reading Charles Whitfield's book Memory and Abuse: Remembering and Healing the Effects of Trauma. He has a lot to say about the nature of traumatic memory and amnesia, and he makes the point that even if we don't remember a trauma in detail, no one can fake the symptoms of PTSD. If you've got them, there is a reason.

My recommendations:
1. The best trauma therapist you can find, as soon as possible. This one is indispensable. Yes, I hear you about the money. Don't know how it works where you are but in most places there is at least some free access to therapy. If you are lucky that may include a trauma therapist. Otherwise, if there is any way you can borrow money, imho this would be the time to do it. It really is worth making this a priority.
2. Read up on trauma and its effects, especially some of the newer work on body memory, like The Body Keeps the Score. The Courage to Heal is a classic and has sections on relationships and parenting. There are many others. But don't let reading take the place of the work you need to do. Back to item #1 above.
3. Have patience and compassion for yourself. Truly, I understand the need to know. But at the same time, there was a good reason why you forgot whatever happened. Don't push yourself too hard too fast.
4. Learn to listen to your body. That's one of the main keys to healing because the body stores memory. Working on the level of the mind is important too, but a lot of therapists forget the body connection (though this is improving) and it is, imho, impossible to heal fully without releasing trauma from the body. You need a therapist who understands and can work with this. There are also some threads here about body memory.
5. Keep posting. There are lots of us here who can understand the situation you are in.

 

[sun seeker]

The thing is though...getting recall does not go all * that* far into undoing the damage. You will probably get it. Something bad probably happened. Work on the symptoms now.

Yes. This.

It wasn't even a year ago that people were telling me this and I rolled my eyes impatiently, but it is so true. I do have much clearer memories now, but also know that is not where the main work lies. Knowing what happened helps us to trust ourselves, which is important because one of the things abuse does is make us doubt ourselves. But you can work on that with or without the details of what happened. You have the symptoms in your life. Work on believing that they are there for a reason. Learn to trust yourself. (I say this as if it were easy, and it's not. It's a process. But it's part of what healing is.)

 

[watundah]

I have some recall but also sense there are missing memories. When the pieces first fall into place, it can be like getting hit in the head with a hammer. When my memories started to present themselves to me, I had doubts, too. A friend told me if you think something happened, it probably did. I would like to know more. But Ive been in therapy for several years and have some coping tools. If you cant go to therapy, read. Write. Do online exercises. There are forums and sites for just CSA Survivors. Grasping it is hard but it will get easier. Your reaction is quite normal for these circumstances. Take care.

 

[sun seeker]

Yes, and work on grounding skills. I forgot to mention that. Lots on that here on the board. That will be really important to help you get calmer in the short term, and help you deal with whatever memories come up, if and when they do.

 

[RussH]

Is there any way you can contact any of the other girls that were in the youth group? There is a good chance if he molested you that he molested others as well.

If you are able to contact them, they may be able to supply you with some answers.

 

[Shanley]

Thank- you so much, everyone! Lots of great advice and words of encouragement. I will have a job soon with benefits so I will hopefully be able to see someone about this on a professional level. I KNOW something happened at some point and I'm almost convinced it was *that* night with *that* man. SO many things have happened to me since bc of situations I have put myself in so I'm sure the potential for PTSD is there as well but I'm convinced it started very early and at an age when I was unable to be responsible for it. I will do some reading and some soul searching. I must over come this not only for myself but for my marriage. Again, thank-you all so much for taking the time to really understand and trying to help <3

 

[sun seeker]

SO many things have happened to me since bc of situations I have put myself in so I'm sure the potential for PTSD is there as well but I'm convinced it started very early and at an age when I was unable to be responsible for it.

Yes. That is a very important thing to sort out for yourself. You can be responsible for your healing, but don't take on other people's shame. Once you see your patterns, you can work on them. Overcoming shame is such an important part of healing and it sounds like you are beginning to work on that.

 

[MariaTPhD]

Sure sounds like it to me, based on your symptoms. (Early sexualization, teen pregnancy, aversions, memory recall happening at the time your child reaches the age you were when it may have happened, etc.) I had a similar experience. In my case, it was a neighbor and I actually told my parents about it. (My mother told me to forget it happened, which I did!) Chances are, your mother probably sensed something was odd in your behavior after the experience. Asking her or someone else who was an adult at the time might validate it for you, although it does not mean it did not happen if they don't remember anything. My mother remembered it and I asked her about it 20 years after it happened!

Try using the workbook The Courage to Heal by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass. It is a good tool if you can't afford a therapist. Most importantly, write down what you do recall. It can help you to pull out more details, but I would strongly encourage you to read the book first.

God bless your healing. I am sorry there are predators in the church who exploit children. Sandra Graves is a classmate of mine who had a similar experience in the Catholic Church. She did her dissertation on the experience of children who were sexually abused by priests and she found it to be quite healing. The study examined all the fears these children (now adults) had and the process they went through in their healing. It is really good and reading it can reassure you that you are not alone.

God bless your healing.

 

[Ivan the Elder]

I was sexually abused as a very young child. I remember some of it but there is clearly some I do not recall. My therapist is of the opinion that trying to remember is not a good idea. I normally have an exceptionally good memory including video quality memory of being severely physically abused to the point of broken bones at age two. I clearly remember sex abuse involving a grandmother that seemed to enjoy inserting objects in my rectum. What I do not remember about sexual abuse must have involved ropes in some way. I am sure of this because I have clear memories of liking to tie small ropes around my very lower waist and then around my groin on both sides of my genitals up around the back. This was sexually pleasurable at age four and I made sure I could not be seen when doing it. I must have been abused to have learned this but have no recall of who or when something similar must have been done.

I am not at all interested in trying to figure this out or remember it and never have been. It did affect what I found pleasurable throughout my life. It is common for some people to like binding of some kind during the sex act.

Finding out what happened isn't likely to provide any relief or satisfaction in any way. It will not help to heal your mind. Most importantly, after this amount of time and the young age when it occurred will make it pretty well impossible to provide any reliable memory of events. Even if some of it can be released/recovered there is no way to determine what is true memory and what is false. False memories are extremely common and very easy to produce, in children especially but also adults. Once created isn't possible to determine what is real and what isn't unless the false memories are obviously impossible.