Sexual Assault Was I Raped?

[Alice.]

Last Friday night I went out with some friends, as I do every weekend. We were drinking in one of my friend's house and then we went out to a pub. I got very drunk, but I was conscious and I remember everything until we arrived to the pub. Then I remember I was dancing and all that until I left, but instead of leaving alone, I left with a guy. I don't remember if I met him in the pub or outside when I wanted to go home. I remember we were kissing and we both were very horny, so he led me to an underground parking. While we were walking I was thinking all the time to myself "What are you doing?", but I wasn't able to stop. When we found a place, he kissed me again and started to touch me. It felt good but at the same time I was afraid of what I was doing. Then he started to f*ck me. I realized then that that wasn't what I wanted and told him to stop. I was afraid and nervous and it was hurting. He changed to another position but before he f*cked me again, I begged him to stop. I remember he told me: "You're gonna like it", but as I was insisting so much, he finally stopped before doing something else. Then I went home.

I don't know if I was raped or not because I remember I wanted it but I didn't want it at the same time. I was horny, but I knew I didn't want to do it in a parking with a stranger, but at the same time I wasn't able to stop until we were doing it. Also, as I was drunk, I don't remember if I told him to stop before he did something or I just thought it.

 

[Suzetig]

In all honesty I think it sounds like you were so drunk I'd doubt your ability to consent to sex. Whatever might have happened that night, as soon as you told him to stop and he continued, it became rape.

 

[Friday]

Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like you started having sex, decided against it, stopped midway, had a discussion with your partner (you for stopping, him for continuing, in the end he agreed with you), and you both went separate ways.

but as I was insisting so much, he finally stopped before doing something else

He stopped when you asked him to. That he tried to change your mind, is a fairly normal thing to do (as is changing positions if something hurts), and doesn't change the bottom line that end he honored your wishes.

You said it hurt, he changed positions. You said stop, he stopped.

Regret? Yes. Rape? No.

 

[Alice.]

Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like you started having sex, decided against it, stopped midway, had...

Well, I didn't tell him it was hurting, I just thought it. I was saying "stop" and he continued and then changed position because (I think) he wasn't comfortable as I was very rigid.

 

[mary1979]

I think this is your minds way of processing your regret.

Debating rape or who is at fault is probably not going to help you at all, as everyone here will have their own definition and that may make you feel less validated long term.

Some here will say it was rape the minute you said stop and he continued.

Others will claim that you sent mixed messages that made it difficult for the other party to determine your wishes.

Dont ask us if you have been raped, ask yourself.
The important thing here is how YOU feel.

I've put.myself in these types of positions before, and no.matter the outcome, I blame myself for walking into it in the first place.
Right or wrong, thats how I process.

 

[illusionist]

I've got to agree with Mary but will add that I've been in a few situations that were questionable but I'm sure it made it easier on myself to not think of it as rape, but a learning process. Thinking of any of these situations as being rape would not have helped me.

I have been unquestionably raped.......to me, the difference was obvious.

 

[Fadeaway]

This is one of those grey areas.my big issue is that he didn't stop right away it sounds like, but he did stop.

My heart goes out to you because I don't think there is a clear cut answer either way. You are going to get multiple varying opinions.

 

[ghotiff]

These would by my three questions and each can have a different answer.

Was it rape to you? Maybe, clearly you're not sure, which is why you are here asking. What would it change if it "was", what would it change if it "wasn't".

Was it rape to him? Probably not. From what you said he stopped when you asked. It might have taken him longer to stop than you wanted but he did stop.

Was it legally rape? No idea, not a legal expert. Does it matter to you if it was? Does it change what you would do next?

In my opinion, engaging in sexual behavior when drunk (outside of a pre existing consensual relationship) is always a bad idea.

I hope you find peace.

 

[Alice.]

Thank you so much for your answers. I've been thinking a lot about this since it happened, but I'm starting to feel better.

I agree with those who say that I allowed it to happen because I think I could have act before instead of waiting until the last moment. On the other hand I also believe that the guy took advantage of me seeing that I was that drunk, but he stopped when I told him (not exactly when I told him, but he did), so I can't blame him for all and I have to take responsibility of it as well. I'll just take it as life experience and make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

[Alice.]

These would by my three questions and each can have a different answer.

Was it rape to you? Maybe, cle...

I've already thought about those questions and I'm starting to see it clearer.

As you have said, I don't really know whether it was rape or not, but I'd say no. Anyways I'm pretty sure many guys (not all, of course) see drunk girls as easy targets and try to have sex with them. There are many cases, as probably this one, where there's no rape because there was consent or the guy stopped when the girl told him, but the drunk person isn't in the right conditions to make the right decision. Anyways, it wouldn't change anything if it was or it wasn't because I'm not going to do anything in any case. The only difference is that if I accept that it was my fault (which I'm pretty sure now it was) I'll take my responsibility and be more careful next time.

No, I don't think at all he thought it was rape.

And no, I don't think it's legally rape and it doesn't matter to me. As Fadeaway said, this might be one of those grey areas, so I don't think it could be proved even if I wanted.

I totally agree with you with having sexual relationships while drunk. Shame that I had to learn it this way.

 

[Mafia_Science]

I think legally it was rape. You were drunk, and when you're drunk you can't give consent. Also, you can withdraw your consent at anytime during it. You told him to stop and he didn't stop. So I think the answer is yes.