blytheburkely
New Here
lately ive been wondering if i was sexually abused or im just making up things in my head
this is extremely weird but i started masturbating when i was really young like maybe 1st grade and i would think of being diaper changed by a babysitter with my cousin and get off on that thought... i stopped thinking about that when i did it after a couple years but ive still masturbated a lot like maybe 2-3 times a night some nights. ive never really been afraid of sexually contact...I've actually been probably too sexually active. i remember once in 4th grade i tried to secretly make a girl feel my vagina by playing mom and daughter.. im only 16 and have had sex with 10 people i give it out like its nothing and do whatever guys want me to because i feel like i cant say no like i hate saying no. but the thing is i dont really even enjoy sex, i like being fingered more but the only way i have an orgasm is the way i touch myself. but lately for the past 6 months or so ive devolved severe anxiety and then i started hearing voices. i read and heard that the cause of that can be something traumatic that happened to you and now the other night i had a dream with that same babysitter situation..and i havent thought about that since i was little. ive been seeing therapists and psychologists for my anxiety and they keep asking me about my child hood and if i can think of anything traumatic, and what changed in my life when i started having these problems. so ive been thinking a lot and then i remembered about 6 months ago a new boy that was very cute moved here and went to my church. i talked to him a little bit but then my mom told me not to get too involved with him because he was molested and had done the same to his little sister. i remember thinking about it a lot and also not being afraid of him actually thinking he was more attractive. i do find the thought of being raped or not in control to turn me on.. and since ive been thinking this i was wondering if it could have been my cousin (same one from my younger thoughts) that did this when we were very young ( hes a year older) we used to make forts with blankets in my grandparents basement but i dont remember anything that happened inside them and i feel like thats what happened down there but that doesnt make sense because i was always really close with him never scared of him and actually had a little kid "crush" type thing on him when i was like 4 so if he did do this to me i wouldnt have acted this way about him would i? i just need advice here, do these things suggest i was sexually abused at a very young age or just making things up in my head ?
this is extremely weird but i started masturbating when i was really young like maybe 1st grade and i would think of being diaper changed by a babysitter with my cousin and get off on that thought... i stopped thinking about that when i did it after a couple years but ive still masturbated a lot like maybe 2-3 times a night some nights. ive never really been afraid of sexually contact...I've actually been probably too sexually active. i remember once in 4th grade i tried to secretly make a girl feel my vagina by playing mom and daughter.. im only 16 and have had sex with 10 people i give it out like its nothing and do whatever guys want me to because i feel like i cant say no like i hate saying no. but the thing is i dont really even enjoy sex, i like being fingered more but the only way i have an orgasm is the way i touch myself. but lately for the past 6 months or so ive devolved severe anxiety and then i started hearing voices. i read and heard that the cause of that can be something traumatic that happened to you and now the other night i had a dream with that same babysitter situation..and i havent thought about that since i was little. ive been seeing therapists and psychologists for my anxiety and they keep asking me about my child hood and if i can think of anything traumatic, and what changed in my life when i started having these problems. so ive been thinking a lot and then i remembered about 6 months ago a new boy that was very cute moved here and went to my church. i talked to him a little bit but then my mom told me not to get too involved with him because he was molested and had done the same to his little sister. i remember thinking about it a lot and also not being afraid of him actually thinking he was more attractive. i do find the thought of being raped or not in control to turn me on.. and since ive been thinking this i was wondering if it could have been my cousin (same one from my younger thoughts) that did this when we were very young ( hes a year older) we used to make forts with blankets in my grandparents basement but i dont remember anything that happened inside them and i feel like thats what happened down there but that doesnt make sense because i was always really close with him never scared of him and actually had a little kid "crush" type thing on him when i was like 4 so if he did do this to me i wouldnt have acted this way about him would i? i just need advice here, do these things suggest i was sexually abused at a very young age or just making things up in my head ?
