Was It Really My Fault?

[yoshixvx]

My partner and I broke up today. I can list a million complaints about what I did wrong, and vice versa, but it doesn't matter. The relationship was long distance, but I love him more than anyone on this planet and I'm certain is mutual. I don't know why it ended, all I know is that it did, and I am very heartbroken and confused.

Still I cannot help but blame myself, even though I know that I did everything in my power to make it work. Being the one with the mental illness, the blame often falls there and I am used to it. I do things that are distressing to others and they cannot tolerate it. But I went to therapy, tried new meds, tried talking about my feelings (too much for him), tried guarding myself (too little for him), focused on myself, focused on mundane tasks, focused on the future (too uncertain and distressing), focused on the present (lacking in positivity), let go of past indiscretions, offered forgiveness, was mindful of his feelings, etc. I literally have made myself sick trying to push this in a successful direction. I am depleted.

Deep down I hope that things will magically turn around, and we can go back to being happy: before the traumatic wounds were re-opened by unstructured psychotherapy, before I had doubts about our circumstances and the lack of control I had over them, when we were just content to look at each other and smile.

I feel in a very, very dark place now. I don't know why I'm posting this here.. guess I'm hoping someone can relate and offer some solace.

 

[scout86]

Break ups are tough, so you have every reason to feel bad, no matter what.
"Blaming" anyone, even yourself isn't very productive. In the end, it doesn't matter why people break up, no one has to be the bad guy for things not to work out. We all like what we like, want what we want, etc. Sometimes 2 people, over time, just find that "each other" isn't what they wanted. Of course, sometimes people do change their minds, and people do make mistakes. Just know that, right now, today, you are the best version of you you know how to be. If that's not the person he wants, that's his deal.

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not."

Hang in there! You did all you could do and that's enough, it's just fine. It just wasn't what he was looking for, or felt he was up to, apparently. Which just makes you available for the person who will think you are perfect just the way you are.

 

[yoshixvx]

You did all you could do and that's enough, it's just fine. It just wasn't what he was looking for, or felt he was up to, apparently. Which just makes you available for the person who will think you are perfect just the way you are.

Thanks, scout. I really needed this.

I always read supporter threads in which they are frustrated with their PTSD spouse (or family member), so I can learn how to improve and be a better person for my partner (and myself). So it's incredibly difficult for me to figure out why things ended the way that they did, when I tried so hard to correct the complaints I heard from others (and him). Being in a relationship with someone who has PTSD is difficult, but just from experience.. I think being a person with PTSD in a relationship with a supporter who won't help themselves before trying to change the other person is far worse. I feel so much stigma and guilt from this relationship that it will probably take a long time to get to the point of trusting again. I guess I can only hope that accepting person is there when I am able to.

 

[scout86]

I've been in a couple of relationships where I worked REALLY hard to be the person they wanted. Granted, this was the "pre-therapy, I've got this handled" version of me, LOL, but I found that I'm really not very good at being anyone but who I am. And, I'm not very happy TRYING to be who someone else wants me to be too, if it's not me.

I've read those threads too, for similar reasons. I think ALL people have their quirks. The person I loved best in the whole world used to go off on an errand, while I was holding a horse for him, get side tracked and forget me for a long stretches, like an HOUR! Most people found that annoying. I thought it was hilarious, because he didn't do it on purpose, he really forgot. That's the way it works, when it works, I think. One person's deal breaker is another person's charming idiosyncrasy. You just keep doing what you're doing and try to be the best new and improved version of yourself you can. If people can't appreciate that, it's their loss.

 

[nursenurse]

Sometimes in relationships, it is no one's fault. You have done all you could do to try to heal yourself and try to make things work, and they just didn't. It so very easy to romanticize the love of a long distance romance, we "know" they felt the same as we did, we "know" this is true love, but honestly and with some retrospect, it wasn't. It isn't your fault, or his fault. It just is.

I am so sorry for your heartache. The normal advice is to carry on with your life, and be the best person you can be for yourself, because in the end, you are the one that matters now. Be extra kind, extra gentle to yourself. Take care of your heart, and grieve, for this is a loss of the heart, and it is harder and takes more time to heal than broken bones.

You are certainly not alone, heartache is a normal part of life at times, and we muddle through with tears, with grit, with determination. You are human, you are made for love, you are loveable. Most importantly you have to love yourself. Kudos for trying different therapies and meds, and for your own sake, never stop trying. You have much insight, don't lose that!

Above all, don't burden yourself with guilt. It takes two to tango, and in the end, most relationships break up because they really weren't right for the long term in the first place. No one is at fault. And hugs. PTSD or not, we have all been there, and it hurts. And it gets better in its own sweet time.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I am so sorry for your pain. I am not sufferer, but I was with someone with PTSD for almost 3 years and I would have given anything if he would have tried even just a small fraction of what you tried to make your relationship work.

My sufferer just walked away, I did not leave him over his PTSD. Yes, it took me some time to learn some of his triggers and his communication issues. But I worked at it, he worked at a few. But, for some reason he stopped trying.

I have a good friend who married her husband a year ago and he suffers with severe PTSD and TBI. The difference is the trying. When both, sufferer and supporter, work at it, I believe that is the difference. Just my opinion. Just like any relationship.

I loved my sufferer, I still do, to be honest, but he just gave up. He didn't fight for us with me. You fought and worked for your relationship. Please don't feel guilty.

However, how long could you have been happy if you couldn't be yourself with him?

You deserve someone who loves you for you!

You are more than PTSD. You are you. You deserve to be loved and valued. I hope it gets easier for you.

 

[yoshixvx]

Thanks @BewitchedBewildered.

As the hours progress, I realize I was wrong about him on many levels. Seeing him run his mouth on social media referring to me as a "bad decision" really was the icing on the cake. This, especially coming from someone who told you they loved you and wanted to grow old together, cuts deep. Now I can confidently say that it wasn't my irresponsibility or lack of maturity that destroyed this relationship. Failing to see the signs, which were abundantly clear from the start, was.

 

[nursenurse]

Hindsight and all that rot. We are all guilty of not having it. We could be hit with a two by four and still not see the signs. Don't beat yourself up. You grieve, you learn, and you move on. Calling you a "bad decision" on social media? No class. Hope you have deleted him.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

We could be hit with a two by four and still not see the signs.

So true!

 

[yoshixvx]

Hope you have deleted him.

Deleted and blocked. To quote my elders, "I am to old for this s___!" :giggle: and I have more important issues to tend to, like my sanity, safety, and health.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Running his mouth on social media? Isn't that what teenagers do? Yes, very mature on his part! Only idiots will believe him and these people were never your friends to begin with. Those with more than half a brain will see this as a reflection on how pathetic HE is!

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Emotions sometimes blind us. We fall for someone and our emotions override our intelligence. At least that's how I feel.

You are better off without him, he's obviously weak and very immature. You deserve better.

Things will get better for you.