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Sexual Assault Feeling it's my fault

I feel like it's my fault and that I did some of this to myself.

I had a girlfriend, she used to do a lot sexual things to me despite me saying no and trying to get her to stop. I could've stopped her but I was scared of hurting her so I lay there and let her do what she wanted to me.

Mostly she would touch until she could get ontop of me. I couldn’t get away and it wasn’t fair, I don’t blame myself for that but she started wanting me to have sex with her and eventually made me do it.

I didn’t want to and I didn’t have to stop her doing anything, I wasn’t trapped underneath her, she wasn’t using any physical force but I still did it and it is so humiliating. I felt like I owed it to her and she was already upset with me that I had no choice. I had never done that before and was shaking but I still did it.

I could have so easily gotten away I feel like a fraud for being so upset by it and scared of her that I did it again. She made me feel like an animal. I don’t feel this is my body anymore and I’m not even a person I was just a robot for her to program. And all I had to do was leave the room.

Sometimes I think it I had a higher sex drive she wouldn’t have had to force me to please her.

This is disorganised, it’s late. It is keeping me awake
 
I feel like it's my fault and that I did some of this to myself.

I had a girlfriend, she used to do a lot sexual things to me despite me saying no and trying to get her to stop. I could've stopped her but I was scared of hurting her so I lay there and let her do what she wanted to me.

Mostly she would touch until she could get ontop of me. I couldn’t get away and it wasn’t fair, I don’t blame myself for that but she started wanting me to have sex with her and eventually made me do it.

I didn’t want to and I didn’t have to stop her doing anything, I wasn’t trapped underneath her, she wasn’t using any physical force but I still did it and it is so humiliating. I felt like I owed it to her and she was already upset with me that I had no choice. I had never done that before and was shaking but I still did it.

I could have so easily gotten away I feel like a fraud for being so upset by it and scared of her that I did it again. She made me feel like an animal. I don’t feel this is my body anymore and I’m not even a person I was just a robot for her to program. And all I had to do was leave the room.

Sometimes I think it I had a higher sex drive she wouldn’t have had to force me to please her.

This is disorganised, it’s late. It is keeping me awake
I’ve had similar experiences with partners in the past. I had a time where I would beat myself up about not defending myself or being more forceful when saying no. It didn’t help and only made me more anxious and filled with self hatred. After reading Pete Walker’s book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, I realized I was conditioned from my childhood to think I couldn’t speak up or defend myself. All this to say, it’s not your fault really. You don’t deserve to be hard on yourself about it. For whatever reason, the brain decided that it would be best to just give in to her to avoid some outcome that it thinks is bad or harmful. It’s not something you consciously decided.

It’s easier said than done but working on loving yourself and showing compassion helps. Getting in touch with some anger also helps to be able to put up those boundaries in the future if you're concerned about that.
 
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