Sexual Assault Was It Sexual Assault?

[erigby]

So...there is something that has been on my mind that I really think I need to talk with my T about but have been holding back.
I am realizing through my processing etc. that is has had a significant impact on many areas of my life in the past 6 years.
I thought I would try it out here.
In 2011 I found myself in the emergency room late at night due to complications with a new medicine I was taking (truthfully I didn't understand the dosage and had taken too much...this is where the guilt part comes in because if I hadn't been so stupid I would have never ended up in the ER to begin with).
Long story short...the male nurse who was attending me had me completely undress...underwear and everything...and put on a gown...while he was in the room...although his back to me.
As I waited for all the test etc., to say I wasn't going to die from an OD, I dosed off.
I swear when I woke up he was getting a feel on my vagina while he conveniently pretended to adjust some monitor or something. I swear he also rubbed my breasts while attaching the EKG monitors.
This happened very quickly and caught me completely off guard.
It made me very upset.
I started crying when he left the room.
At the same time they had sent a Psychiatrist in to evaluate me. Apparently this is standard procedure for someone who takes too much medicine? Whether you intended to or not? Whether your intent was to harm yourself or not? Maybe the nurse told them something? I don't know but either way she was there and of course I was a complete wreck and just laid there and cried and talked about how stupid I was.
Next thing I know she leaves and a female nurse comes in and starts talking to me very kindly and tells me all the tests were find and I would be ok. (relief).
She begins to remove the EKG button things and the male nurse comes in, I guess to help her and opens my gown exposing my bare breasts. I still remember the look on the female nurses face...one of shock and astonishment and she delicately without much fuss worked to pull my gown back over my chest.
Just typing this makes me feel nauseous and sick.
It was mortifying...and has created so much shame and guilt.
I know there are many who have horrific experiences and even now this seems so minor.
I just wanted to see what you all think.
Was this a form of sexual assault?

I think a big part of it too is that what he did was very similar to some of the experiences I had as young child with a child hood friend.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

Yes if he touched your breast and genitals then it was assault. No matter what you feel violated and upset by it so it had impact on you, whatever you decide to call it. And that is valid - the emotional consequence of what he did is valid.

There are many many others on here who have also gone through similar situations with healthcare people so you are not alone! I'm glad you posted this. Get support and absolutely talk to your T about it. I know someone who talked to her T about it and they are starting to work through it. We support you.

 

[Hope69]

I think the important thing is you felt violated (though it sounds like a complete violation to me) and I would encourage you to trust your feelings. I agree wit Sophia that its important to work through the feelings for your own wholeness. No one has the right to touch you in a way that feels wrong to you, its your body.

 

[Missycat]

Talk to your T, they will be able to support you.
This was absolutely assault and it should not have happened to you. You have every right to feel as you do , talking to your T will help you process and deal with it.
Wish you all the best on your healing journey.

 

[Overcoming]

That was definitely sexual assault and I agree that you should speak with your T.

 

[erigby]

thank you all for your replies and your support.
I have sent myself into an emotional whirlwind putting it all out there.
It is amazing how our bodies store all of these memories just as our minds do.
Considering how I feel about right now I don't know if I will be able to discuss with my T in the short term but know eventually I will need to...as you said @Hope69 to begin to create wholeness.
It has impacted so many areas of my life in the weirdest ways. Ways I have only recently began to connect.
My visceral response to thinking about talking about it out loud...is still incredibly overwhelming.
Thank you all for your encouragement.
I want to get to a place with myself that I can tell my T.
I trust he is already in a place to hear it.
That is a good first step.

 

[erigby]

Ok all...still working on processing this one.
I had horrible nightmares last night about it.
So...am wondering if you all might have any suggestions about how I might begin to talk about it with my T without sending myself into a crazy emotional wreck and feeling like shit.
The truth is...the dreams were all about guilt and shame.
These are recurring themes in my PTSD and depression (as I realize it is with so so many).
This event in my life literally became a catalyst for me even realizing there was something more to my emotional instability, disassociation, guilt and shame (all terms I only learned about recently).
So...I really need to begin to talk about that if I am going to get anywhere in therapy and wholeness.
Thoughts on how to begin this conversation with my T?
Any thoughts would be helpful.
I appreciate you all.

 

[erigby]

@joeylittle any thoughts?

 

[Sideways]

"There's an experience I had that I'd like to talk about..."

IME, the bast way to launch into a difficult topic, is to just start. Somewhere, anywhere. Giving your T a warning that this is a really distressing topic, that you're worried about it setting off unmanageable emotions, helps your T guide you through as safely as possible.

Unfortunately, if there are overwhelming, powerful emotions tied to this experience, letting them out at some point is the only way to process them and move on. Doing that in therapy gives us as much support as possible while we do it, but the emotions need to be released. If we don't? They get bigger, and they cause us increasingly more problems, more distress.

The goof news is that you've raised it here. Like a practice run, you've dipped your toe in, tested the waters, and you're doing okay. The emotions are awful, but they haven't completely taken over and sent you crashing.

It's awful. It's painful. It's exhausting. But if you've got a T you trust, it sounds like you know that you're ready to deal with this one. You're gonna be okay:)

 

[joeylittle]

@joeylittle any thoughts?

Honestly - just show them this thread. It covers everything, and is also clear about how difficult/raw the topic is for you right now. It might be something that doesn't need to be worked on right away - you and your T can concentrate on strengthening your grounding and management skills, first.

You'll be able to talk about it, eventually. But right now, my best advice is to print out this thread.