Was This A Sexual Assault? Why Does It Feel Like That But Feel Like I Don't Deserve That Title.

[Isuhu]

I though it was pathetic to say no to being in his dorm room. I was okay with him touching my arm because that's all I wanted to give him. I was too afraid to say no to him kissing me. I pulled away when he starting to fondle my breasts. I asked to just talk when he leaned in to continue. I froze when he pushed me on top of him on his bed and he started to undress himself and hump me. I said "no," "stop," and "don't" when he started to touch me under my clothing and try to undress me. Finally, I hurt him and got out of there with bruises on my arms, wrists, back, and thighs (those bruises shaped like his handprint) that I don't remember getting - I was too dissociated the whole time to recognize anything other than fear, shame, guilt, and disappointment in myself for not saying no. He walked me out as if everything he did was okay, and then pushed me against my car so hard he bruised me more and kissed me. I was afraid to open my car door thinking he would follow me in to have sex. We didn't have sex and I never saw him again, but I feel so traumatized by this. What was it? Was it an attempted rape? Was it sexual assault? Or was it a series of my bad choices and my inability to say stop sooner or with more strength? Was it my fault?
Was this a sexual assault? Why does it feel like that but feel like I don't deserve that title?

 

[Bidaf]

Definitely assault...he disrespected you and did what you did not want. You said yourself you had to hurt him to get away....there is no derserve...it is what it is. Take care of yourself. Find someone to talk to...to help you through this.

 

[Ozore]

Yes, is sexual assault. You did nothing to warrant such an attack. Meeting a guy at his place of residence doesn't mean you want to have sex with him. You said no repeatedly and fought him off. You didn't make a bad choice. A woman shouldn't think "oh, I'm going into a guys home, I am giving him signals that I want sex!" Nope, it doesn't work that way. No means no means no means no means no!

 

[Kogi]

yes, it is pretty aggressive sexual assault.

Denial is common defense mechanism after sexual assault. Denial keeps the pain away, for a short while. When you are ready to face the pain, you will come to accept it for what it is.

 

[Ziwelu]

Firstly, it's not ur fault & yes it is assault. Sadly there are ppl out there who have a way of honing in on those of us that have experienced trauma - I don't know how they do it, I've had several in my life over the years - & what u experienced is typical of those types. They seek to control another person. I have been in exactly the same situation more than once. You are entitled to go out, visit friends at their homes, do what you enjoy etc without fear. The guy in question is in the wrong here. Nobody has a right to make another feel trapped. I hope you find support & comfort

 

[Rohin]

When I read this title I immediately empathized. I am going through exposure therapy right now and recently had to recount my own sexual assault at sixteen. I had never had sex before and this guy really hurt me when he tried to enter me. After saying no several times he eventually did stop, but I was incredibly damaged by this experience. It affected my sex life and my relationship with men forever after. Not only that, but the physical pain has created a lot of ptsd trigger issues when I later had to have a bunch of painful medical procedures.

Here's the thing. I have ALWAYS believed I didn't deserve to place myself among the other women who have been sexually assaulted, like I didn't deserve to be compared with them... I had no right to be so damaged by what happened to me. And I had to admit this to my therapist during my exposure session. I felt like an absolute fool. The truth is, I was there in his car half undressed making out with him because I was drunk and lonely and hurting already. And I was young and inexperienced, so I was too stupid to realize he would see sex as a natural extension of what we were already doing. And the truth is, it's not like he finished what he was doing... he did eventually stop. The most traumatic part of it lasted maybe a few minutes at most.

What my therapist helped me realize is... it doesn't matter if I was already in his car... it doesn't matter if I had already consented to making out with him... it doesn't matter that it didn't last a long time. I said no, my wishes were violated, and I was very hurt by what happened. Just the very fact that I was traumatized is evidence that what was done to me was not ok. And I know for sure that I'm not making up how messed up it made me. And there were other factors that I never thought about. Factors that gave this guy more responsibility for what happened than I was able to process at the time. Like that fact that he knew I was young and drunk and didn't think to make sure I was ok with what was happening or get any kind of consent before moving forward. (also the fact that he didn't immediately stop when I struggled and tried to get away from him and said "no, stop" a bunch of times, but that's obvious)

I don't mean to take attention away from your own experience by sharing my story on your thread. I was just thinking that maybe you would see some parallels in your situation, and know that you're not alone. For instance, there are all kinds of ways in which this man could - and SHOULD - have behaved very differently. He IS responsible for violating you sexually regardless of whether there was actual penetration or of whether you entered his dorm room, etc. The very fact that you are traumatized by this event proves that you were assaulted. Normal sexual encounters that are not assault should not traumatize you. Period. If my experience counts as assault then so does yours. I'd say yours is definitely worse than my own. Not that we should compare. Assault is assault, and it is normal to be traumatized by experiencing such a violation.

 

[Udiso]

I just signed up to tell you this: I do the exact same thing, OP. I have such a hard time recognizing myself as the victim when I was raped- it's really hard for me to even type that word now. I didn't realize I did this dissociating thing until very recently. I had no idea what it was. And I've had a lifetime of doing it. When a coworker I had gone out with forced himself on me- after I had been willingly making out with him- I refused, I said no we're not going to do that, I'm not having sex with you tonight. I pushed him away, I fought him trying to remove my clothes, I said no repeatedly and continually pushed him away. But I couldn't overcome him or be forceful enough at least partially because I was more or less slipping out of myself. I told the story to my husband years later and he believes the guy drugged me, but I don't think that's what happened. I decided my efforts were futile and my mind checked out like it had been doing through a lifetime of other horrible experiences.

Our brain's protective mechanism absolutely does not give license to others to victimize us. And what this guy did to you was absolutely a sexual assault.

It may be that the best way to look at it is to place somebody else in your situation. If you watched the scenario unfolding, but replaced yourself with another woman you would see her scared and fighting and leaving traumatized and there would be no doubt in your mind that she had been assaulted.

 

[Isuhu]

Thank you all so much for your support and shared stories. You don't know how much it means to me to have the validation that my trauma reaction does make sense. I feel like a weight is lifted reading your words and hearing that it was an assault, it wasn't my fault. Thank you to each and every one of you. What you shared with me on this thread has made such a profoundly positive impact on me. I no longer feel so alone or trapped in this cycle of self-blame; I have your words to help me out when I need that hand. If I haven't said it enough, thank you.