Sexual Assault Was This Just A Dream?

[Ally]

As a child I was raised by a great and loving family. They cherished me and I cherished them, we were and still are very close. Yet since I was I think 6 I have had these fragmented memories/dreams about myself and my older cousin. I remember the 6 year old me and the 14 year old him going into his room and doing sexual things. I didn't understand what the hell we were doing and it horrifies me to this day. He made me touch his penis, kiss him, and oral him. This happened every time went into his home. Then one day my mom asked me if I was touched or anything. I said yes as if it was something normal. Next thing I remember is going to his house and there are a bunch of family members there. My cousin comes up to me and apologizes. The more I write about it the more it seems real. It makes sense in a way because the next 8 years I've had this uncomfortableness with him. I always thought it was cause I favoured his brother or something. But it doesn't fit with my memories where before this we were like best friends. But this is where I feel like this was not real or was just a dream. My family never talked, said anything these 8 years, if I was sexually abused then this Is probably why I can't remember. No one dared to say anything. So as the years go by I feel like this was just a dream when in reality I'm starting to believe it was not. I'm disgusted with myself, I feel like I'm dirty and there's no way out. I want to ask my parents but I'm afraid of the truth. But it could very well be a figment of my imagination. Every time I see him I remember this. If I was raped I need to have confirmation. I can't keep living with this in the back of my mind. How can I bring out more memories and cope with them?

 

[cherryblossom]

@ally Hello, and welcome to the forum. Well done for speaking out.

This is just my opinion, but it sounds pretty real to me.

Is there any way you can speak to your parents about this? How old are you now?

Another option would be therapy, to try to access repressed memories. But I think your family could certainly give you some of the answers you are looking for, and should probably be the place to start. Perhaps you could try talking to your Mom? I know it's a tough subject to talk about. But you are correct in that you need to know the truth.

Keep talking here, and we will try to support you through this tough time.

Take care,
CB

 

[open eyes]

I've had a lot of similar experiences with repressed memories of recurring childhood sex abuse. The best way I've found to try to access the memories is not to try. Your brain will let them trickle back into your life when you're mentally stable enough to handle it. My best advice is to get to a point where you are stable & you have good support, & do NOT try to force the memories to come back. Repressed memories work in crazy ways. If you try to force them out, they could get buried deeper. Kind of like a nasty ingrown hair.