Was Today's Time Wasted?

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I HATE therapy sessions like today. I am so tired of everything. I don't want to deal with DID and trauma. I just want it all to stop, but I know that isn't going to happen. And so I want to forge ahead and make progress.

Then, I go to therapy. I bring my journal with all of my thoughts and ideas written out so my therapist will actually have a clue what is going on with me since I can still barely speak at the beginnings of our sessions. And today, I completely clammed up. No talking for me. Hardly any words at all. I couldn't answer even simple questions.

Topics that were attempted by therapist today include angels, what comforts me, and what comforts my kids. I just couldn't talk. And so I sat there. My therapist gently encouraged me to talk to her. To tell her was was going on. I wanted to cry. That didn't go over so well internally and was completely shut down. I dissociated and then felt the chair I was sitting in shaking. I was so scared, I immediately snapped back, but I was panicky. My therapist thought that it was her question about what comforts my boys that scared me, but nope. I was completely feeling the chair move when in reality it was not. Happened again and I guess I went into some kind of flashback or some other part took over. I don't know.

I have a part that shuts things down and makes it so I can't talk. I am sure that she was around today, but I also know that my urge to just quite trying to deal with things is not helping.

I feel like I wasted my time and my therapist's time. And to make matters worse, I feel miserable. I feel hurt and scared and like I want to cry for hours, but I am alone and I don't know what to do. I feel so pathetic. Sleep would help, but I already know that I am scared of sleeping again. I have a part that self-harms when things get overwhelming. She has done really well for the last month- no cutting at least. I am scared that am going to be too overwhelmed to prevent that. I wish I could have talked during therapy today. It probably would have helped.

 

[RussH]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve I so wish I could reach out across the internet gap and give you a hug. I wish there was a way to truly let you know you are not alone.

I can't give you a hug, but I can be here for you. I can listen to you, and perhaps not offer words of wisdom, but a measure of comfort maybe? How can I help you?

I know you are hurting, and I know you are confused and frightened, but as best as I can I am standing with you, so that you are not alone. You are with friends here on the forum.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thank you @RussH . Your support is powerful and constant this week. Thank you.

 

[Chava]

Have you been able to find anything that helps the part that can't talk (even if it means still not talking but feeling safer)? Do you know if that part is very young? Trauma screws up our language, but there also just isn't mch available for processing pre-verbal stuff, aside from trying to support our bodies in the present by meeting needs that weren't met before (whether safety, protection, something else). I can't talk lots of times too, but hugging a stuffed animal helps sometimes (in therapy and on my own). ..sort of helps me stay present and silent for a while vs absent from the here-and-now....so a step closer to being able to connect with my therapist.

I also just can't sit in chairs...I sit my butt right on the ground...feels more stable. You didn't waste time...it sounds like you need safety, so what can help you feel safe right now? Keep posting if it helps, we're here for you. I get impatient with my own therapy, but maybe the "work" involved for you right now is helping the scared parts feel safe. Good work on no cutting (I quit cutting and it gets easier over time, but at first was a struggle to find alternatives when overwhelmed).

 

[RussH]

Your support is powerful and constant this week. Thank you

Friends support friends. I am glad I can be here for you.

Something for you to consider: Have you started a trauma diary yet? If not think about starting one. You can write down, in your diary, the things you want to tell your therapist. If needed, you can do this in a private diary that no one else, except perhaps the stafr, can read. Then, I think you can print it up, and take it to your T for her to read. Maybe this is one of the ways you can share some of these things you cannot talk about.

If you have started a diary, and it is open; may I look it up and read it?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Chava - The part that turns off the talking so to speak, is probably an adult. It's not that she's pre-verbal, she's just trying to protect. It's been her job to make every tough memory disappear and stay inside. She believes people can't be trusted for good reason. And so whenever there is too much trauma being discussed, she feels ultra protective. She also gets that way when scared. She will write or speak very softly if in the mood. Not in the mood today and I was struggling with it as well.

I don't always sit in chairs either. I alternate between sitting in the chair "normally", curling up in the chair, or sitting on the floor. I feel safest on the floor, but I feel self-conscious about going there even though my therapist assures me that it's okay.[DOUBLEPOST=1405990556,1405990452][/DOUBLEPOST]@RussH - I have not started a trauma diary on here. I have thought about it, but haven't. I keep a journal about everything for my therapist to read. It's for me to process things, but I let her read almost everything in it. It's usually a good starting point.

 

[RussH]

when you are ready to start one, then please do. I have one if you care to go back and read excerpts of it.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@RussH - I read the beginning of your trauma diary. I can definitely relate to being bullied. I started my trauma diary as well. Figured that I might as well since I am up anyway and writing usually helps.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I was also very wounded at an early age. I spent the first year of therapy dissociated. I barely remember anything. This is my third year and I still dissociate a lot, but not all the time. I can talk to my therapist. I can disagree with him now. I still have a lot of trouble talking about my trauma, because my inner 4 y/o doesn't want to talk about it. I don't think any session is a waste of time, since the relationship with the therapist is healing, and seeing her be kind to you, over time, will allow you to loosen up some.

I also used to have flashbacks a lot in therapy. Now I have some, but not a lot. This is a long process for those of us who were hurt badly at an early age, and continued to be hurt. Hugs to you, don't give up hope.

 

[Seasounds]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve:
(Back to your first post in this thread)

You did such good work, to bring your journal in! Love and hugs to you!:hug:

Would you consider another therapist? I think a good therapist should let you lead the session, have ability to listen to your darkest pains and ask you about what you are feeling and thinking. Of course, they may add their thoughts and ask you to consider new perspectives.

It can be retraumatizing to not have someone listen to you, and be emotionally attuned to you. I had a therapist like this; I wish I would've left the T sooner.

This therapist sounds like they got training to have clients avoid their trauma. We all know that totally avoiding trauma isn't healthy; we may need deal with our trauma in small bits at a time, in order to avoid worsening our conditions.

You are connected to a clarity, that I like! Hope you feel better soon.:tup:

 

[Suzetig]

I'm coming to the conclusion that nothing is wasted in therapy. It all tells something about how you are and how you cope, or sheds light on what you struggle with or gives you something to reflect on, seek support from. In as much as its your time and about you, it's not possible to waste time.

I too have had sessions where I felt I didn't/couldn't talk about what I wanted to, where I felt completely stuck and unable to speak - sometimes those sessions lead me to take a different direction next time or for my therapist to understand something new about me or how to work with me. It sounds like your T was trying to find a way in, it's ok that you couldn't engage with it at that time. It's a slow process.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@change - I love my therapist. She tries very hard to help me face my trauma stuff when I am ready and help me through hard times. She tries to work with me where I am at. Some days she can't get through and that's not her fault. Perhaps it's not mine either and it is not wasted time. It just feels that way. Thank you for your congratulations on my bringing my journal. That was one of the first routines my therapist and I established together. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.