Watching A Loved One Sink

[Anegi]

PTSD makes doing relationships that much harder, as would anything ending in -D.

I don't know how people make relationships work so well for them when they appear to be working on various levels. And I think strengths in some areas can offset weaknesses in others.

My significant other is emotionally pretty good overall, but has some touchy areas.

 

[Anegi]

Every time I try to talk to my husband about a problem that we have, he stands up and walks toward the door, gets very angry, and says I'm attacking him (emotionally) when I'm just trying to work through how to pay a bill, or how to fix a problem.

I feel like there is something wrong inside of him, something emotionally out of tune and based on codependency and core beliefs. He's from a long line of addicts. His dad sobered up about the time he was born.

I observe that the further his parents go into recovery, the more he can't bear to look at them. It's like he doesn't recognize them, and finds them repulsive.

They both have self-identified as Codependent and in recovery, and my hubs says "codependency" is a made up thing that is not scientific and doesn't exist. He mocks them for even thinking they could be codependent, even though it's been a helpful recovery tool for them.

I think he prefered them when they were young, thought life would magically burst forth with wonders, and were in denial.

I'm concerned and really feel there is no way to help my husband. When I try he uses the same stack phrases that keep the conversation from progressing. You know, how people shut you down using their pet phrases that they use out of context just to frustrate all hope of actually communicating. Then you know the door has slammed shut on your fingers for daring to try to make contact over something very real. It's fine if it's routine stuff or pie in the sky stuff, but no reality please!

I used to say that I'm too intense or too "something" but now I see it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him, or I wouldn't get that reaction. I have PTSD for god sake, and so I tend to tiptoe and he says I'm crashing through.

Who doesn't have some kind of imperfection? I doubt anyone would leave me with another feeling. But boy it's hard to be patient with someone while they deliberately stay stuck in the same victim think, all the while in total oblivion and denial.

God, if I had just a penny for everyone I see basically up to their eyeballs in total denial, I'd be financially set.

 

[Tufol]

Those of us who can make it work have sufferers who are to a point where they can work on a relationship. Until then, all bets are off. Even the LTR with sufferers have issues and problems that take a lot of work.

 

[Umu]

Anegi, I really hope and pray your husband can get to the point where he will go to therapy. That is what PTSDers need. I would not be married to my wonderful husband if I had not sought help. You are absolutely right that people with these problems need help, just as I have. Our marriage is infinitely better since I was in therapy.

 

[Anegi]

What is LTR?

I've tried therapy with and without, and I don't think most people make good use of the time or money spent there. My hubs is too avoidant to make any kind of use of it.

He went and showed off and made small talk and got book recommends. Whatever. No really dealing with stuff, which is itself the whole problem in the first place. It doesn't matter where the problem goes, expert or wherever, it will be avoided.

Insecurity + core beliefs + shame = Snail Pace progress in life.

 

[Gesal]

Anegi, I know exactly what you mean. I know a few people like your husband and it is beyond frustrating. It would make me want to end the marriage so good for you for hanging in there. I have learned a trick or two dealing with these types of people. I know for a fact that the more upset you are over their said situation, the more they like to shut down. It is almost like a power struggle really. So I did a type of social experiment. I stopped caring and as soon as I stopped caring about their issues and act as shut down as they did, all the sudden they would magically start opening up. Here is where it get's tricky. When they started to open up, I thought wow, ok, I'll give them another chance and start caring about it again, but than BOOM, soon as I gave in, they went back into shut down mode. Which led me to believe this is a power struggle. They like to feel mysterious and they like all the attention they get from their loved ones because their so shut down *imagine the biggest eye roll ever*. It's like dealing with a high school teenager.. It took me a while but I finally learned not to play that game anymore. You don't want to talk to me about issues, fine, you're on your own and you blew all your chances. If he doesn't want to talk about bills/invoices, it's because he doesn't want to deal with it. Who want's to deal with it? You are the one who is going to take care of it all. He is acting like a spoiled brat in my opinion. Do not coddle him anymore. If I am out of line, I apologize, but I don't think it's right that you're suffering over this. In regards to his parents, let him deal with it. Don't analyze it, don't try to fix it, let it go. Don't waste another ounce of your precious energy on it. The more attention you give to it, the more he is going to act like a brat. When you are more upset about a persons situation than they are, that's when you know it's time to back off. Let them deal with it and don't give in easy if they start to open up seeking your help. It's only to wheel you back in because they want to shut you down again. Power struggle.

 

[Mecama]

LTR = Long term relationship