General Ways To Suggest A New Therapist

[kahlan]

So I found out today why N. has stopped therapy. He wasn't happy with his va therapist, and anything suggested for self care wasn't working for him. From what I pieced together was pretty much just mindfulness techniques. I suggested a grounding technique i used and am putting together a few more for him to try, in the meantime I'm trying to figure out how to let him know that he really needs the therapy too.

I know he has to be the one to want help, and I really think he does, but has a rather jaded view of the va. In fact he's stated they just drug you up and send you on your way. I told him tonight that I'm concerned that he's not been in therapy and that I just want to make sure he has all the tools he needs to take care of himself. Any suggestions would be great :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Is therapy outside the VA an option? If so, you could use the slant that there are non-VA therapists who will help you without medication. I'm not trying to bad mouth the VA, but if this is his opinion of the VA, it may help to plant the idea of some non-VA therapists being different.

 

[Hashi]

I told him tonight that I'm concerned that he's not been in therapy and that I just want to make sure he has all the tools he needs to take care of himself

Do you and he see therapy the same way? You might do, I'm just wondering.

When I think of therapy I think of much more than having tools to take care of myself. I'm a bit confused by you referring here to self care only, talking about therapy. If someone's motivated then self care tools can be worked on without seeing a therapist. And seeing a therapist means a lot more - the challenge to be self-aware and take responsibility of thoughts and behaviours, having to look at and talk about very difficult things, trauma work etc.

I'm wondering what it means to him when you talk about him seeing a therapist, and how that compares to your particular focus on self-care? Self care is for both everyday coping and for coping with the extra stress and difficulty of doing therapy. Presumably you want him to see a therapist so that he moves forward in recovery too. Have you both discussed that? How does he feel about it?

 

[kahlan]

It came up because we were talking and the conversation steered to how I tend to take on other people's emotions, especially his, but its something I've been working on. He said something along the lines of "I'm glaf you have something that works for you like that"(something that helps me when I start getting really anxious or overloaded). He said that's the big reason he stopped going, because the T. wasn't listening to him about how the only "grounding" technique he seemed to get N. to try wasn't working. There's more to it I'm sure (I get the feeling he's pushing trauma work without having appropriate coping in place).

Now I know therapy isn't just the gathering of "tools" to help, that's only one part of it. That just happens to be something he doesn't have a lot of. Dealing with stress for him tends to involve some rather destructive behaviors because he doesn't have the means to deal in a more constructive manner.

 

[Abstract]

I agree that we need enough coping and grounding skills to be able to manage trauma work safely enough.

It sounds like he had two problems with her. One that he did not feel like she was listening to him and two that the only grounding technique she taught him was not working.

I wonder if he tried to discuss these things with her. That might be a good question to ask as I think we all need to get used to the idea that there will be rifts that occur in therapy and communication is key to finding out if one can continue with someone or not. Maybe you can discuss a situation where you have done that to model it to him.

Do you think the t knew about his self destructive coping tendencies? I think T's sometimes don't have the big picture and so that affects their focus.

I get the feeling he's pushing trauma work without having appropriate coping in place).

Is this his T or him?

Can you ask him what his long term plan of action is to process his trauma and be free of it? That might refocus him away from just doing what feels easier in the moment. Does he have the option of private therapy?

 

[Hashi]

I get the feeling he's pushing trauma work without having appropriate coping in place

This is kind of what I mean, but I'm not expressing myself well. Sorry.

I'm wondering about "getting the feeling" and how clear things are, to you or N. Whether the issue over appropriate coping isn't simply to do with this therapist, but is a deeper general issue that's going to come up again if N starts seeing a new therapist at this point. That perhaps the stuff that therapy brings out - inevitably, with any therapist - makes it necessary for N to unpick and resolve this more before thinking about a new therapist.

Like @Abstract I'm wondering how much N has discussed with the VA therapist about the techniques not helping. It's may well be that the VA therapist hasn't worked on coping enough with N, hasn't looked at enough different approaches to find things that are effective, isn't paying enough attention to this before pushing trauma work. It happens. It's also possible that all sorts of other things might be going on. Sometimes clients are given three ideas and focus on one, then forget there were any others. Sometimes fear or anger makes us resistant to hearing things or doing the work we need to do. Sometimes the therapy dynamic makes us perceive things in a certain way or unconsciously find reasons to reject the therapist.

I have no idea what applies in N's case. I'm aware that he might have a not very good VA therapist. I just wonder if there's too much unfinished business that might simply go along with him into a new therapy situation. I wonder if it's not only about grounding techniques but about a bigger issue of what therapy brings out and how we as clients address that.

 

[Abstract]

Agreed with @Hashi on what is said above.