We are on a forever healing path. But it doesn't get easier.

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
New Member here...

Feeling that deep prisoner in your own mind, suffering, lonely and fiercely angry type way recently; and I know you all know what thats like.

Is it possible to have PTSD and be in a healthy marriage or relationship? If you say yes, please explain how; because I am determined its impossible.

After all the work Ive done on myself for the last 20 years, I sit here and think when the F will it get easier? All the therapy, spiritual work, self help book reading,
journaling, meditation, praying, yoga, pilates, retreats, EMDR, YOU NAME IT, IVE DONE IT. I STILL feel like a prisoner to my trauma.

And its ruining my marriage. I allow my anger [which is ultimately sadness] to break my husband and I apart. Early on, he was unfaithful and 8 years later I still
cannot forgive him. Why? Because I cant forgive anyone. I cant forgive myself, my abuser, friends, family. No-one. I hold on to my sadness so tightly because its
the only things ive ever known. I do not know how to forgive.

Sexual abuse from age 5 to 15 here... and my life passes me by and I refuse to be happy. I refuse to move on, I refuse to stop playing the victim.

I would love to hear from all of you out there on how to forgive, break free from your trauma and realistically move forward.

Thank you xx
I think there are several kinds of relationships. Trusting relationships, relationships where the foundation has a pretty solid trust and you've grown to know the person pretty well...... but sometimes stupid mistakes are made by these friends/family which can be upsetting. Then there are relationships where someone has openly betrayed me.....and there's no "reparing the relationship breach because it will always keep me on guard (as it would any other person without PTSD).

So, trusting relationships which have taken a good amount of time to build...I know I can trust that person.. Those human mistakes in relationships where the person's intentions at the time was good but the outcome stunk....is typcially fixable with some talking through and honest feelings. Where I have trouble is when people make the human stupid mistakes and my PTSD cobwebs get attached......and believing that betrayal is happening and I'll never be able to trust them again.

However, when someone really does betrays me causing me great grief, loss, and emotional upheaval, ......they can never get my trust back.......and I find I must let them go......that is most of my family in my case. Letting go, and seeking newer, healthier relationships where I meet people who are trustworthy is a better option I have found..........than staying with someone who has betrayed me and I'll always be "wondering" when it will happen again. Letting go of the unhealthy people in my life was hard.....but I'm much healthier now for it.

With that said, your husband betrayed your trust. I think your feelings have nothing to do with PTSD-they are likely magnified, but you had your trust majorly broken. It may just be that you might be able to forgive him......but will never fully be able to trust him......and those are two different things (forgive/trust) and they have nothing to do with each other. You can forgive someone but that does not = trusting them again. I think the healthiest person would have trouble "trusting" someone who betrayed him/her........while in a committed relationship. Forgiving also doesn't mean that you have to stay with the person after you all make amends. And.....even the most sane person may not be able to forgive someone betraying their trust......and that's not a personality flaw, either. People who betray me are not worthy of my companionship.
 

Friday

Moderator
Is it possible to have PTSD and be in a healthy marriage or relationship?
I’ve been in both healthy & unhealthy relationships.

Whether or not the relationship was healthy/unhealthy had faaaaar less to do with whether or not I/they/we had PTSD, and far more to do with who we were as people, and where we were at in our lives.


Early on, he was unfaithful and 8 years later I still
cannot forgive him. Why? Because I cant forgive anyone. I cant forgive myself, my abuser, friends, family.
It’s a good insight.

Personally? I don’t do betrayal. Full stop.
 

Aliana

New Here
Aliana, welcome !!!

I am feeling so grateful for your reply and everyone elses- its like a warm e-hug :) this community is great.

I appreciate your perspective of the healing/helping or breaking. Also, youve got my wheels spinning about separating my anger. I didnt realize until reading your reply that when someone hurts me, it all goes under the same category. The category of "I cannot believe this happened to, I will never let this go, they are on my sh*t list. Even if they are sorry, I will make them pay for hurting me". Now thats a complete defense mechanism ofcourse, and unhealthy; im aware. But retraining my brain to believe that not everyone is out to purposely screw me over is not easy.

Again, thank you for the insight!
Thanks for the welcome! :)

Oh yes, that s*it list...

People do screw other people over, and it can be difficult to tell what others intend or not. But whatever they do, I think the most important thing is to learn how to stick up for ourselves and defend us in the here and now, not based on earlier hurts. I don't forgive everything.
There is nothing wrong in not forgiving, but reading your TS it seems like you really want to forgive your husband.
 
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