Weekends Are So Hard For Me.

[The Albatross]

For what it's worth... my peeps in my healing/recovery circle call me a turtle... which is not a far cry from a snail. But... I found on self examination I could respect people's standoffishness because of my own inability to deal with "me/myself/I" in times of solitude. It sent off signals... and I might add, it attracted the wrong people to me.. unless I endeavored to initiate change. That meant learning how to be comfortable in my own head and how to deal/enjoy even... solitude.

 

[The Albatross]

By the way, opening poster, why are you initiating this topic on the heels of a sleep deficit. I don't think it's a coincidence.

 

[Go Hungry]

Every weekend and at night I get this overwhelming sense of doom and a massive amount of emotion that I'm holding back at all costs. It's only Friday and it's already here. I feel dread over a weekend spent alone with these feelings and grief over relationships that I've lost recently. At work in the week I feel fine most of the time but I keep rushing to get home for no good reason because then the feelings start. I hate being with myself.

-- I'm right with you on this. I do fine when I'm at work for the most part, not so much because I trust anyone there, (I don't.) but because I have routines to follow and this keeps me on target. My mind doesn't wander and therefore I'm okay. I do have some troubles at work.. I mean, I have to perform stress reduction techniques all day sometimes.. But work is a very good thing for me.. it helps stabilize things.

When I get home, though, I have a lot of the same troubles as you mention. My thoughts sometimes overtake me and it's a bad night. I usually just sit down to some video games and look up my friends on skype, and it's generally alright. Weekends are harder, as I wake at 5am and they usually don't get up til noon or so. I think the big difference is just in having structure during the week and no structure on weekends. I'm looking into getting some. I just need to find things to do. --

I had made a big response to your other words concerning your loneliness and feelings of need, but I don't think it would be helpful. However, I can say from similar experiences that another relationship is the last thing that you need if you're still hurting from a recent breakup. It would only serve as a distraction from the work that you're doing to grow stronger. It won't help you in the slightest. I've been in the throes of love-addiction before, which is really a form of co-dependency (everybody has to deal with sooner or later) and another relationship is never the answer.

I think you (and I) would be much better served by finding things to keep busy with on the weekends. I'm planning on getting out of this apartment no matter what, even if I just have to go wander around the mall, or go downtown and look at expensive shit that I can't afford. Anything is better than staring at these walls and beating myself up.

:hug: if you want them...

 

[Powder]

Right now, Barefoot wants to reduce the utter pain of weekends alone and dealing with the recent loss of some relationships. Loss of relationships is a huge grief factor, even if they were not the best. This, alone, will affect sleep.

I would suggest starting a trauma diary on this site, reading a book appropriate to her situation right now, and crying and angering out the loss. Verbalizing it to the T. is needed.

And then getting sleep with medication until the worst of the grief is over, maybe a year, would stabilize the body.

Finally, in about 1-6 months (depending on the sleep factor and progress) I suggest locating and setting goals, such as fitness or exercise daily, reading bucket list, volunteer work, something creative, or some other career or financial goal, gives a person a sense of accomplishment despite the lost relationships, PTSD, or whatever.

Meaningful work is at the top of self-actualization, but I believe that self-transcendence is called for, which is to make one's life matter and to live it in such a way as to better either a cause or another person/people, the environment, or whatever cause resonates.

For many people, the emptiness is a result of a loss of feeling that one's life is more than it's sum total of suffering.

Suffering is released when acceptance that life, at least for "me," has to include this pain, but I'm still here and there is work I can do with what I have left.

Albatross said that she looks at life from the end point perspective, and there is value in that, but that is imaginal, you are not at the end point, nor can one guess what it will feel like in decades of new life experience, if we get that far.

I look at life from a perspective of the world, all of us here as one family or tribe. How are we treating each other? What responsibilities do we have to one another? Also, I believe, the main reason we are here is to figure out, despite all that life throws at us, and despite our limited senses and perceptions, who we truly are.

That's what barefoot is doing. It is a painful process at some points, and others are joyous, like giving birth to yourself.

I hope you feel blessed today. Peace? That's a tall order for anyone living in this time on the planet. It won't last, but to try to feel it for a few minutes each day, that might work.

Also, a few mintutes a day, How about compassion for yourself, and others?

Once when my supporter saw I was down, he put on "Puppy Party" on the Roku/TV, and I began laughing at the silly puppies! It was so abrupt a "Mood 180." It's hard for me to feel sad looking at beautiful and cute puppies.

Make a list of things that make you laugh/smile/feel a "natural high" and keep them handy for Friday night. Start the weekend off right. Plan for a cry time and journal time on Saturday, after you have had a good night's sleep. Then Sunday, do something you have on your goal list, such as walk 3 miles or put 3 hours into a goal. Maybe join a walking meetup or hiking group, or volunteer.

When you're this low, you have to write it down on paper or on the calendar and just go through the motions, fake it till you make it, and order and structure carries you through. Don't let yourself fall down to the inner chaos.

 

[Powder]

What I mean to say in summary is that I spent almost a year grieving my lost horrible relationships. What is truly lost is the "self" who lived in relationship to those others; how many hours had I given to them? How much of my "self" was generated by their influence? Who was I after rejecting them? What aspects of the self created by living with them for most of my life was I now also rejecting? The life I was forced to live I no longer wanted; I wanted to discover a new one, but first there was this grief in the way.

That self died, and it is a grieving.

To pull out of that, I instilled a template to the weekend. Friday was 'treat yourself' in some way, a nice meal, a nice tv show, a walk, whatever seemed a gentle reward. Saturday, sleep in, wake up later, and get on the forum to journal and do some inner work. Cry, and anger as needed and reflect. Then, by 1 pm, decide that's enough, and do the housework and get back to living.
Sunday is all about doing something truly meaningful or purposeful.

This structure helped me pull out of the grief. I have watched others use structure to pull out of a nose dive of grief. As Albatross and others mentioned, structure set up for the self, out of self-awareness is a protective and proactive layer of self care.

I hope that this is helpful and gives you a sense of clarity about how some of us have tackled this very important issue you have brought up. By the way, holidays are similar, and if you "Search" holidays, above, you will see many similar responses. :)

Hugs, Muse

 

[falling_wave]

@Muse your ideas are so helpful! I really like the structure while not dismissing that the pain exists by making time for it and doing inner work. I started a trauma diary last week here where I took a huge risk and let my trauma fill the blank instead of consume me. I let it all out which felt good but I think seeing it there was grief too in a way. How would I continue to use that journal now that's it's all out there?

When you said you were grieving the part of you that you lost from those relationships that really resonated with me. I feel like I have been shaped and changed by each significant relationship in my life and I almost question the new person I am when I have lost the person who made me that way. A lot of it positive and some not. Of course I didn't fall into all of who they are but I took what made sense and built our relationship. I think that naturall. Then there is just the grief for them wanting and missing them all the time.

I love your puppy distraction! I was trying to think of what would do that for me. I absolutely love rain storms. It's weird but it starts raining and I become almost giddy happy. Also I used to nanny for this little girl from birth to two years full time and whenever I see her I get so happy. We have a really tight bond and she's always so excited to have "snuggle time" and watch a movie or something. I need to find more in the moment things like yours because it's a great idea. Mine are very relational right now. If someone I care about smiles at me when I come downstairs or does something thoughtful however small it will make my day but I can't rely on this happening because it's not in my control.

Thank you for the hugs. I can feel them through your insightful and caring posts and I appreciate it. Sleep was off and on through dreams but no full no nightmares last night. I wouldn't say I feel peace but I don't feel the intensity of despair that I felt last night I think thanks to you and this forum helping me process. I am going to take a walk and get a coffee and hopefully that will set my day in the right direction.