Relationship Weird Signals

[the8track]

Last Tuesday my girlfriend/ex-girlfriend/who knows told me she needs space because, in her own words "All you do is frustrate me and I can't handle the extra stress in my life. Keep in mind, things have been amazing between us and when I asked she had no ways that I frustrate her, she had no examples. Anyway...I took it as simple PTSD and you know...gave her space.

She got mad at me the next night because she misunderstoodand thought I had called a friend pretty, gave me a ride when she saw me walking on the side of the road Friday, and late last night asked me to send her some pictures of us we had taken last week. Today she texted me asked me why I went out somewhere by myself last night.

It just seems weird that she's pushing me away saying she wants space, all the while every couple days trying to make sure I've not moved on. How should I take this?

 

[gidge]

It sounds like she doest want to break up but just "wants some space". Maybe try leaving her alone for few days and let her come back to you when she's ready

 

[arcc14]

Just a theory. (I saw your intro post as well.) She's confused and needs time to sort through her feelings. I've found in my relationships especially when I was younger (17-23), I would feel really great about a guy. He would be the best things since peanut butter, but then I would later realize that there was nothing special about him, we had nothing in common, it was really a crappy relationship, whatever. The only reason I felt great was because my relationship took me away from my past and kept me away from home. He (no matter who he happened to be) was saving me. And I loved him for that. Unfortunately, this makes it very confusing to sort out who you really love and feel great with and who is just fulfilling the role of savior.

One fortunate thing for your girlfriend is that she has faith and therefore has a "savior" to fill that role, so hopefully, she can avoid assigning it to a man. She'll sort it out.

My advice is to let her know that you love her and that you are there for her. (She's checking with the strange txts to make sure because she doesn't want to cheat herself out of something good if that is what you turn out to be.) After you let her know those two things, do not contact her. Imagine yourself as an annoying kid in the backseat yelling "have you had enough space yet?" every five minutes while she is trying to drive on a long trip.

Please do not bring up her illness. You haven't known her long enough. Let her bring it to you when she's ready. She may never be. Don't ever confront her behavior with an accusation that her illness is causing it. Let her come to those conclusions on her own. (I've dated someone with a mental illness as well, and confronting him with his obvious illness when his behavior was sporadic was a mistake that only served to alienate him from me no matter how good my intentions.)

Also, my last boyfriend pushed me to tell him something that I did not want to tell him when we did not know each other well enough to have that discussion. It completely destroyed our relationship, not because he judged me for it, but because I hated myself for it. I was afraid he saw me as I see myself. Defective, etc.

Hopefully something in here helps. It's coming from someone who has been on both sides of similar situations.
Good luck!
Audrey

 

[Sqweak]

Hi the8track,
From personal experience I can say that it's so frustrating when someone asks, " Yea well give me an example". If you're girlfriend/ ex-girlfriend is dealing with PTSD this will probably make her anxious and it won't solve any issue you two may have right now. From what you've written I gather that she still cares for you a great deal and may just be dealing with something so heavy she may not want you around to see it- or is just having a hard time with another added variable ( a relationship) in her life at the moment. Maybe try calmly bringing up the subject the next time she contacts, let her know that you have feelings too and it's hurting you. Maybe she'll open up about what's really going on?

Be of luck to you both<3

 

[the8track]

Yeah, I wish I had known that the whole "frustration" thing was just a front of PTSD before that situation or I wouldn't have asked why. It was literally later that day that I started searching hardcore. Me stressing her out was added with the "and I can't handle the extra stress in my life right now". So, there's the added variable.

Last Wednesday I let her know I love her, care for her, and have peace about the "space" thing and haven't contacted her since that. I did in that e-mail say that I had looked more into PTSD and that a lot of things made more sense to me. Maybe I shouldn't have done that but Sunday she opened up a lot about how hard the PTSD is right now. Since then I've just had the appearance of "everything's cool", "I'm happy". I have to deal with my own stress/insecurities somewhere else and not load them on her.

So, I think that covers most of the advice you guys gave, more or less. Haha.

Anyway, I appreciate the advice/confirmation.

 

[the8track]

Guys,
I reached a point last night where I had to set some boundaries and stuff blew up.

She's been texting me almost every day. She'll start conversation and then check out of it and purposefully stop talking to me. Last night I had work and she texted me asking about something. Didn't get back to her right away. She sent another text saying "hello?" a third text an hour later "fine don't talk to me" so I just said hey chilllll I'm just working right now. She said "You haven't texted me all day" to which I said, "hey I'm not being unreasonable. I have stuff I have to do and you broke up with me so I can't really make you my top priority"

She said "well alright then" and blocked me on Facebook.

Am I being out of line here? I mean, I just feel like she's just playing games. She told my sister two days ago that she really doesn't see a relationship between us in the future. So it's like...how much of "being there" should be me giving her every little thing she wants and me being at her beckon?

 

[arcc14]

No, you aren't being out of line. You need to establish boundaries and so does she. She is really not healthy enough for a relationship right now anyway.

What she did with the impatient texting is something that I am ashamed to admit that I have and still occasionally do to my ex. I can't speak for her, but in my case, I'm usually emotionally drained and upset due to some other stress or having to be around a past abuser or trigger, and I just want to hear that someone is there. So I will text/email about something that isn't important. And when he answers, I feel better just because I'm not isolated. It's just relief knowing he still cares about me enough to answer even a random question. When he doesn't answer I feel abandoned and hurt and defective even though there is a rational side of me who knows he's probably at work or busy with his family. And depending on how stressful the trigger or feeling I was having which led me to message in the first place, the more or less unreasonable my response. I might send 50 texts demanding he answer. I might leave him voice mail telling him how horrible he is because he only ever pretended to love me so he could take advantage of me.... etc. etc. I would say never talk to me again or that I hate him only because in that vulnerable moment he was not there. And whenever I did this sort of thing, I always felt like I was out of control. I felt like the rational part of me was sitting beside me watching me behaving so irrationally and unfairly, but I could do nothing to stop the crazy person I was in that moment.

The reason I am telling you this is because I doubt your ex is intentionally "playing games."

I don't know what you can do. In my case, there was really nothing he could do. It's unfair that the crazy me expects him to drop everything and deal with me whenever I need him. I know that the only thing that can be done is for me to finally heal myself and to get away from abusive individuals/triggers so that I can act rationally. I have to deal with my issues and insecurities. I can't expect him to put up with my crazy. So you have no obligation to put up with her crazy. He used to answer me every time because he did care about me. But I think that allowed me to use him whenever I became stressed. It actually hindered my healing process because I gain an illusion of okay-ness whenever he answered even though reality is otherwise.

 

[the8track]

Yeah, I just realized last night that I could have worn a blue shirt today and she could have just as easily blown up at me. That's just how mental meltdown she is lately.

I realize she's just too messy right now for anything and I really want to be there for her when I can. I just had to start going to therapy this week because I could barely get through the day. The whole, I love you and I'm sorry / I need space you frustrate me / but I'm going to text you every other day while talking to another guy and telling other people we're through...I just can't handle the emotional yo-yo. She invited everyone in my family to her graduation next week EXCEPT for me. It's like..you know, the more I give her what she wants the more abusive it gets and the less respect I earn.

But, I agree with you COMPLETELY. I don't think she's intentionally playing games. I don't think she's intentionally doing anything. I think she's enslaved to the anxious impulses and triggers right now and it breaks my heart. I just...I'm not superman.