Well...everything Has Gone To Hell....

[Sludge]

Hey gang,

Everything has gone to hell here. Apparently, is is usual, it is all my fault because I married a gal who is never wrong.o_O

I have no clue what to do or how to weather this storm.

Truth is the good news is that I am actually feeling something. I had forgotten how much being depressed and and alone and powerless sucks goat ass.

i really just want a drink. nothing to hard core, just a whiskey with a Coke on the side, no ice. Goddamn meds wont permit that. Really weird not to be panicked or manic or angry.

just really empty. got lump in my throat and the urge to cry, but no tears will come.

tried everything. Wife got into argument with her daughter and told me it is all my fault. says she is leaving. depressing part is i couldnt say anything. just gave a shrug of confusion.
Apparently the 2.5k she spent on the holiday for other people, not the family and hiding the fact the mortgage didnt get paid in January (her month to pay it) we alternate months is also my fault though I donot see how


she is about the only reason i havent just given up

now it looks and feels like everything is pointless i moved here for her to help take care of her dad

i left san diego where i was actually happy for this god awful miserable place cant leave because i own a house here and i wont leave my dogs as if i left i would have to give them up as i cant afford first and last a security deposit and three pugs worth of pet deposits

ive come a long way the last few years she has done nothing to solve her issues except to blame them all on me

is it weird to just want her to go away? so tired of fighting for something that died long before the beast kicked in full bore

really want a drink i cant have

stuck at work with nothign to do but stew in my own juices and fight of the inevitble stress induced siezure that will render me into a mumbling stumbling zombie for a few days

already feelign it cant type or think right and fine motor skills degrading

sorry to dump on yall but got nowhere else to go or talk at

forgotten how alone i really am only friend a big dumb pug that isnt my po-dog

guess ill just gut it out and see what gets thown at me next
problem is when you can fix anything and the shit flows continuosly is that the fan never jams up and stopos flinging shit everywhere
sorry bouy bat typing dont have my helper softwarwe on this particlar computer

 

[Lurch]

Sorry to hear that brother. Life can be a real bitch sometimes... you can finish the rest. Just remember to concentrate on why you want to get better and put on foot in front of the other. Let us know if there is anything we can do for ya.

 

[Jimmy1]

You know there is nothing to say. Hope you feel better just getting it out there.

 

[RTO]

We are here for you.

 

[GunnerZulu]

My advice to you is to remain mindful! You say that you own a house, though it might not be in the location you originally wanted, is still owning a house. Your doing well for yourself man, remind yourself of that! And though you cant use a drink as a treat right now, treat yourself to something else perhaps a favorite coffee or a favorite candy. Take two steps back and remind yourself that you are human and you are doing the absolute best you can, as every human is! The PTSD is making those negative thoughts in your head into yelling matches, and you need to quite them from time to time doing something you like! As for the wife situation brother, we all have different wives, I am blessed to have a wife that understands whats up, but i tell ya from time to time she gets on my nerves so bad! All I can tell you in that regard is just remember that your wife too is a human being, complete with everything a human does, whether that means she bitches from time to time to get through hard times or tells you your a bag of shit to get through hard times then so be it. Just take some time and remind yourself that any day above ground is a good day!

One day at a time Brother!

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Dam Sludge, sounds like a real shit sandwich ya got on your plate.

At least you see the benefit of not adding booze to your meds - that's a good thing! I learned that when I finally woke-up the shit is all still there.

depressing part is i couldnt say anything. just gave a shrug of confusion.

No f*cking wonder, ya don't know shit about cat fights.

Mother daughter relationships - not a good place for any man! - You're like a one legged man in a ass kicking contest. Stay out of that ring!

ive come a long way the last few years she has done nothing to solve her issues except to blame them all on me

You're correct! So don't put yourself down your intentions we're good but circumstances do change. Maybe if you have some time coming a trip to SD might be in order to get your head on straight (and warm your bones a bit).

Then again, what the f*&k do I know, good luck bro.

PS - If it makes you feel better I'll take the SNOW back, I just got 6" more and a 1" of ice and still have room.

Ba

 

[holdenmonty]

damn sludge, glad that you came and talked on the forum instead of staying silent.

 

[Friday]

You take that damn War-Pug with you to the ER or your Neurologist office and have them stomp on this seizure, dammit, or we're gonna have words. <evil grin> Or I will, and you'll be forced to listen.

First things first.

Burn the next bridge when we get to it.

 

[vikingr24]

Sludge you are gifted man. Try to look above all the crap. And that's what it is. You got a lot going for you, and times can change. There's room.

 

[Sludge]

thanks all. just sort of hanging in. hiding in my cave working hard to keep it together.

convinced her to come home where her family is. convinced her that we all need her even if she feels we dont show it (WE DO)

just frustrated as she does this sort of thing notoriously- alienates everyone arounder her blames it on the folks alienated then wash rinse repeat

but she is home and pugs and cat happy to see her daughter refuses to set foot in house when her mom home my son just steering clear of all of us

rubbed the gold finish right of my PTSD coin

wish i hadnt had to cancel dental surgery as jaw clenched tight and last two semi intact teeth clashing and painful

Calros the warpug is playing get the kitty and the kitty is plaing along

really hungry but cant keep food down

cant make helper software work so cant barely communicate right

slow day at wiork so stared at wall and made self my feel worse then came home and stared aT SCREEN AND MADE THINGS EVEN WORSE

to much in my own head time and no escape too cold to walk or explore

strange how everything becomes so flat. forgotten flat no siezure sadly need one stressinduced is like fuse blowing and circuit reset pills like penny under fuse

sure could use a reset least missing time and memories would go away

decide to make one last ditch effort if no dice then good bye to her

got too many battles to fight cant take on an unwinnable one worried too mucj about kids have to make sure they have home and food bitch so selfish her daughter is panic mess
scared to shit to have to take care of kid that is in no way mine but cant let her get lost in world only 19 and working and in school


thanks for letting me work this out sometimes writing shit out just feells better anmkes things mor tolerble

gon try to play a titanfall and get lost in false sci fi reality fior while

 

[Spock]

Hang tough Omaha Sailor...I had to deal with some real shit a couple days back and just kept breathing and distracting until I got out of my mind. Time passes on...and the cycles continue up and down

 

[dutchiedelta]

That's a lot on your plate there Sludge. Credit to you for writing it down and looking for a way to deal with it.

just frustrated as she does this sort of thing notoriously- alienates everyone arounder her blames it on the folks alienated then wash rinse repeat

Just a thought, could she have secondary PTSD? How you describe it sounds familiar.