What About Rage?

[No Folded Hands]

I started to write something that included the source of the rage I am feeling at this moment, but deleted the narrative. It isn't necesarry to this thread, and might well distract from the point of this note.

What about rage, anyway? Why am I asking...? Well, first, in regards to this site...what about rage? Is it not a symptom of PTSD for civilians? I see many other common symptoms listed...nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, depression...but not rage. Okay, to be fair, I also don't see having trouble with no or one exit places and crowds, and maybe that doesn;t appear in civilians or maybe it just isn;t specifically listed. I really have no way of knowing. I did try a search, but most f the entries belonged to something called trauma diaries which I am a little hesitant to read. At any rate...no "RAGE" or anything like it in the PTSD part of the forums. Only this catch-all section.

Why is that?

And second...what about rage, anyway? Is it not something we want to deal with as part of this disability, because it scares the bejabbers out of us that we can be like that? Because it turns loved ones away? Because it's part of the stress-related deadly physical conditions that can develop from long term PTSD? Because it's not found in polite society?

How does it occur (if it's a common symptom to non-veterans, too)? Does it come on all at once, like an express train roaring down from a hieght, blowing the steam whistle louder than the crack of doom? A sudden lightening flash that may enlighten (oh, I'm REALLY agitated by what's going on) but mostly tosses something terrifying into our paths and doesn't disappear with the ZAAAP as it hits the ground but goes on for long enough to resemble a monstrous prolonged clap of thunder? Or is it something you can feel coming....maybe not for too long before it explodes like ultra-nitro. Can you change the sudden express train shriek of fury into the I-feel-it-coming preexplosion, at least far enough to be able to get the heck away from people, pets, and any other living thing before it breaks over your head and swamps you in reaction?

Have you ever shrieked with the fury, roared with the rage? Do you hear your own voice change timber, to very high or very low, so that you truly sound "unlike yourself"? Have keyboards, dishes, glassware, furniture, candles, etc felt the effects of your wrath? Or brooms, rakes, mops, etc been turned into impromptu weapons beating the living feces out of chairs, sofas, beds, walls, counters, or even books that sparked off your rage? Has "I'd like to throw it through the window" been a phrase you knew intimately, and not as a metaphor, whether you actually tossed something at glass or not?

What about it? No, we don't want people to walk on eggshells around us because we have fits of rage...but do we really want them to deliberately provoke us and then beat ourselves up for not controlling the reaction? Or, do we really want to pretend nothing is different in ourselves, and not explain some of what it's like to people, and ask them to treat our disability with the same courtesy they'd use (or should use) toward those with visible physical disabilities?

"Look, I have moderate-to-severe PTSD. I am high-stress right now. I really can't handle standing in a line with people behind me right now. I'd appreciate it if, since you're in back of me right now, you go ahead and let me in when the guy in front of me is done. I'm going to go stand over there in the meantime. (point to nearby area where it is possible to stand and wait with back against solid wall.)"

"Hi y'all. I just asked Proffessor Smith for 5 minutes to let you know that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, usually just called Pee Tee Es Dee. You may see some unusual behavior from me during the course of our time together in this class. or you may not. It all depends on variables like how high my stress levels are at any time. For example, I may run out of the classroom some day. Don't worry about me if I do, I'm alright. I'll come back when I can, though it may not be until next class period. On the other hand, if you notice I got here early enough to sit right here by the door, and that's deliberate. I'd apreciate it if you'd leave this seat empty if you get here before I do. I don't want to hurt anyone, and when things get bad enough for me to take off like that I will lietrally run right over anything and anyone between me and the way out. Since we do a lot of study grouping and group projects, you should also know that I usually can't handle meeting in a crowded place --like the library between 11 and 1! Anyone have any quick questions?"

Rage is just another part of this that we need to figure out ways to work around. It doesn't go away, but it can be delayed or spotted early and nipped in the bud, with practice. It can be something that happens in private rather than in public. It can be something that happens less than it used to. It isn't, I think, something we can wish away, but it is something we can learn well enough to avoid without avoiding life.

See? I am no longer enraged. The guy outside (immediate precipitator) is gone. The "I can't deal with this!!!!" feeling has calmed. And all I did was step over here and take the time to write and edit something on the subject a little more positive than the feeling I was having at the moment.

And spend a couple of years learning that as one of the ways to handle my own rage.

How about you?

 

[Iron_Angel]

Rage is here, believe me. Most of the posts you'll find with a search on "anger". Good for you for learning ways to handle it. Some of us are still learning; others are learning how to deal with the anger or rage that overtakes someone we love. It is common in anyone with PTSD, from mild to severe. We've talked about various ways of dealing will it. You can search "scream", "pillow", and "foam bat" for just a sampling.

 

[Grace11]

Rage has been my main problem as time goes on, but I don't think I've ever labeled it as rage. I've likely used the words "anger," "argue/argument," "fight," yell," etc.

Actually, reading Iron Angel's post, "pillow" or "scream" might be the some of the best search terms!

 

[Sethe]

Have you ever shrieked with the fury, roared with the rage? Do you hear your own voice change timber, to very high or very low, so that you truly sound "unlike yourself"? Have keyboards, dishes, glassware, furniture, candles, etc felt the effects of your wrath?

Well, that describes my father pretty well.

I have been recently embracing my rage. I'm afraid to be angry because of the crap I witnessed while I was a kid. I think I'm afraid that I'll fulfill my mother's prophecy that I'm 'just like him.'

I tend to bottle in my rage and feel horribly guilty if I let it out and break something (I punish myself for it). So, I fantasize instead about killing/torturing the people who abused me and have lots of 'road rage.' I've got to watch that because I almost got into an accident last week 'defending my lane' (screaming, shaking, panicking, not moving when someone tried to merge into me) against assholes who try to run me off the road.

 

[TLight]

As far as civilians having rage.........well, in my case I'd answer one huge YES. It's a double whammy. Here we are isolated and attempting to deal with the PTSD monster within, then we slip and have rage storms, then the people who are supposed to love us end up abandoning us, adding yet another layer of shame and pain. And "I never did anything to deserve this!"
I can't tell you how many times I've been dropped by friends and lovers, never to hear another word from them, due to my rage.

Yes, RAGE.....it's still there, but after having this disease for 16 years and 5 years of horrific therapy.........I can say it is more under control. Not sure if it is due to being on disability and controlling my triggering and surroundings and generally feeling safer, or if it is because of therapy.
I don't know. Don't know about therapy and how much it helped or if it did. Just remember it being a horrific time.........my therapist had to retire due to illness...........but one day she pretty much walked away due to my raging too. Even my therapist gave up on me............
RAGE......my biggest thorn.

 

[Jestadud]

You just need to look a bit longer and harder, we are here.

Rage is not a word that most like to use, personally I probably had about 12 months therapy before changing anger to rage. But when I did recognise it I realised it was something I did not want to give up as it was a defensive mechanism to protect me and mine, I didn't rage all the time it was like " I see your anger and raise it " .

I can weigh up a situation and wait for it let loose the rage, but most of the time I see the threat coming and leave before things get out of hand.

A civy

 

[Iron_Angel]

I think we prefer the word "anger" to rage, because anger is a useful emotion, and can be controlled. Rage suggests a blind rage, a red rage, something uncontrollable and frightening. We prefer control to out of control. Rage is bad; anger is universal and can be righteous if properly placed.

 

[blueangel371115]

I definitely have an anger problem. So you aren't alone.

 

[Sethe]

I definitely have an anger problem. So you aren't alone.

Me too. Yup. Yup.

 

[Grace11]

Me too. Yup. Yup.

Well, yeah. Meant for me...as in I have one... wow.... trouble expressing myself clearly tonight.

 

[No Folded Hands]

I don't like to use "anger" for what happens in my head when keyboard tabs are flying and I hear my voice change. I get angry sometimes. The two are definately not the same. :)

A few years back someone I knew slightly --not a jerk by any means-- instructed me to seek help in an interesting fashion. I don't like to hear that an anger management class would help, or that I should drop everything and go to a shrink to get control of my anger (quoting) before I do anything else. He said this after I reacted negatively to a nasty joke, and meant it quite literally. Just put everything in life on hold except eating, sleeping, and seeing a sliding scale shrink for that anger.

But anger management doesn't address the rest of the symptoms, or fix the problem. For me, trying to "manage" my rage has never made sense; it sounds like growing a vegetable garden. Managing the weeds, watering, fertilizer, soil, sunlight, for the best outcome...worked great for veggies back on the farm, especially when I learned to stop managing and start listening. It's too dry, the plants are thirsty too. Watch out for those mud bees over between the tomatoes and the peppers; just be careful not to step on one or cover their burrow opening with your foot. If we plant THESE herbs between the veggies, the bees will come and we'll get a ton more to eat.

People call that organic, now. Back then it was just something I learned by watching, listening, noticing, and talking to the old folks --in person or by reading their books. (Beekeeping, the Gentle Craft. Highly recommended. "What's the first word into your head after the word 'bee'? If it's honey, keep reading. But if it's 'sting'...")

Funny, after I developed an allergy to bee venom four years into keeping them, it was still 'honey'. So they got agitated and went after me in a small cloud when I pried open the hive that day sans protective gear, stung me so many times I stopped counting after 14, and left me with a foot so swollen I limped for a week. It was my own fault for not listening when I heard the hive noise turn "angry". Put the top back in place and come back another day, there's no hurry.

Of course, I had to be careful for some years after that, carry around an adrenapen and so on. Never work bees without a hat and veil; one sting around the eyes can blind you. And wear shoes, there are usually bees on the ground around a hive. But I'd gotten far past working them with anything else, and the smoker is just really there to cover the alarm pheromone one of the ladies gives off when she stings to defend the hive.

Rage doesn't come on like a hive's "anger", when all of the ladies are freaking out at some danger to their home and issuing force to repel the intruder. Rage is born of frustration, of the stress of trying to live in an artificial world made by human beings without account of certain psycholgical disabilities (among other things). But rage and hive anger do have one thing in common. If you learn to listen, and then pay attention to what your senses are telling you, you get better and better at seeing them coming. You learn to predict them. And maybe then you learn to schedule yourself, when you can, to be lower stress when a high stress situation is in the wings. And how to lower the stress input on those occassions you don't want to miss.

"Hmmm....okay if I want to take that intensive course, I need to avoid the term party and take the option to extend the deadline for the written final paper. Can do."

"My friend's birthday get-together is gonna make me crazy unless I stick to water and put myself in a chair with my back to a wall and stay there and let people drift past me to talk rather than walking around the place." An hour into the shindig: "Man, I can't handle this. I'll go outside and do some stargazing till I feel more calm. I'll just let Pete know I'll be back in a little while first."

I'll never try to eliminate my rages again. It just makes me feel like an utter failure whenever I am enraged, whether I let it show or not. Enough utter failures and poof! goes the self confidence, and wow does that make it harder!

But I can try to explode away from the public eye. I can try to shorten the duration of the explosion. I can give myself permission to back away from the object I am destroying after 2 swings instead of 20. I can not scream at anyone I love, just at objects. I can laugh at how incredibly silly something or someone is instead of go into a fullblown rage when I feel it start creeping up on me so very fast (and then walk away QUICK from the topic, the person, the thing, whatever...for long enough to let the explosive portion of my reaction subside. It will, if I don't give it more input by staying in the situation.)

But it sure is tough figuring out the difference between staying away long enough, and avoiding everything in life, at times!

((DO I get the prize for longest post? lol!))

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I definitely have an anger problem. So you aren't alone.

Yup, same here. My husband just saw it first hand.