Relationship What are the hardest parts about a PTSD relationship for you?

[Lucy Locket]

The angry outbursts and catastrophising about things that shouldn’t be such a big deal. The going over and over and over the same issues and continually dredging up negative past events that happened years ago.
I love her to the moon and back despite all these things though. It’s just very frustrating.

 

[bellbird]

I just want to take a moment to thank all of you for your answers to this thread.

It's a pretty unique situation being able to ask questions of a group of supporters like this, and I'm very appreciative for the time you've taken to give me insight into your worlds. :)

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

The angry outbursts over seemingly nothing. Being cold with me but warm with strangers. Isolation. Feeling like I don't really matter.

Yes. This. Walking on eggshells to keep the peace. Suppressing my own wants and needs. Dimming my own light and being hesitant to be my authentic self. I learned that if I didn’t this would most often lead to one second being the love of his life and the next he would explode, giving me every indication that he hated me, and immediately disappear. The push-pull dynamic was the hardest part for me. Days, weeks and even months of the silent treatment. Every time it was my fault.
I could handle and deal with every other aspect of PTSD but not this. Whether this was his NPD rather than his PTSD or a combination, I don’t know. What I do know is that on here supporters have spoken about how their partner might isolate but that they would never leave/disappear or they were able to somehow communicate enough to ensure the supporter didn’t feel abandoned. That would have been huge for me. I would have been fine if he would have at least stayed in the house...maybe a special room that only he ever accessed...and taken whatever time he needed. If he had stayed in the relationship that would have been huge. Instead every time this happened it felt like its death. I didn’t know when/if he would ever come back.

The projection, emotional abuse, future-faking and gaslighting were also tough. He was always the victim. I was the alcoholic (no), I was acting jealous (no), I was the one that needed a psychologist (already had one but apparently mine didn’t know anything....but important for supporters to be able to have a therapist to talk to). I should be on medications (no).
If he had simply acknowledged...at any point....what he put me through. Apologized. Took some responsibility for his actions, rather than blaming me/everyone/everything else for his behaviour.

He slowly eroded, manipulated and demolished my boundaries....that was on me. Having a supporter who is capable of maintaining theirs and you respecting them is so very important.

Really, it came down to not feeling safe, heard and understood. I think there was any number of things he could have done to help with that....but in my case it was never going to happen.
The fact that you are asking these questions means that you are already leaps and bounds ahead.
Your supporter is very very lucky.

 

[Butterfly64]

I

Yes. This. Walking on eggshells to keep the peace. Suppressing my own wants and needs. Dimming my own light and being hesitant to be my authentic self. I learned that if I didn’t this would most often lead to one second being the love of his life and the next he would explode, giving me every indication that he hated me, and immediately disappear. The push-pull dynamic was the hardest part for me. Days, weeks and even months of the silent treatment. Every time it was my fault.
I could handle and deal with every other aspect of PTSD but not this. Whether this was his NPD rather than his PTSD or a combination, I don’t know. What I do know is that on here supporters have spoken about how their partner might isolate but that they would never leave/disappear or they were able to somehow communicate enough to ensure the supporter didn’t feel abandoned. That would have been huge for me. I would have been fine if he would have at least stayed in the house...maybe a special room that only he ever accessed...and taken whatever time he needed. If he had stayed in the relationship that would have been huge. Instead every time this happened it felt like its death. I didn’t know when/if he would ever come back.

The projection, emotional abuse, future-faking and gaslighting were also tough. He was always the victim. I was the alcoholic (no), I was acting jealous (no), I was the one that needed a psychologist (already had one but apparently mine didn’t know anything....but important for supporters to be able to have a therapist to talk to). I should be on medications (no).
If he had simply acknowledged...at any point....what he put me through. Apologized. Took some responsibility for his actions, rather than blaming me/everyone/everything else for his behaviour.

He slowly eroded, manipulated and demolished my boundaries....that was on me. Having a supporter who is capable of maintaining theirs and you respecting them is so very important.

Really, it came down to not feeling safe, heard and understood. I think there was any number of things he could have done to help with that....but in my case it was never going to happen.
The fact that you are asking these questions means that you are already leaps and bounds ahead.
Your supporter is very very lucky.

I am sorry to hear this, That must have been horrible! A lot of sufferers have some behavior in common like the push-pull, which is soooooo hard to accept/handle. My sufferer is never verbally abusive. Not that he doesn’t have a temper...he does...but he controls it extremely well.
I guess the push-pull is one of the thing we as supporters have a really hard time handling. Some times I can handle it as long as I get the random text from him every few days. If I don’t then my intellect goes out the door and I start thinking that maybe he won’t come back this time, that he has met someone, that I am not as interesting company as his male or female friend. So I completely understand you!

 

[Dave ZInger]

The angry outbursts over seemingly nothing. Being cold with me but warm with strangers. Isolation. Feeling like I don't really matter.

Oh gosh I know this feeling so well

Hi Supporters,

I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 months now, and I really care about him. Since we've been in a relationship, I've found myself browsing on the supporter side more often, to better understand what this PTSD experience is like for him.

I've been wanting to ask you all here: what are the parts of a PTSD relationship that are hardest on you?

What things can/does your sufferer do that make those/other aspects of a PTSD relationship easier on you?


I would really appreciate any insight you have on this - thank you :)

Hiya, I'm a supporter myself, I've been with my PTSD suffering Lady for a little over 18m now. The biggest hurdle I encounter is constant rejection but having to watch whilst she contacts other people, especially guys. I do think she loves me but nothing I say or do can get through to her how hurt I feel. I try my best to give her space and take all her flak when she gets mad but it's hard as I'm a bit of a softie and take everything to heart. We dont live together but she feels it's fine not to contact me all day and night and even then it's by text only. We can sometimes have some lovely times together but the distance she puts between us is having a dreadful effect on my wellbeing. Im sorry if this wasn't what you were hoping to hear but it is what it is. Take care.

 

[Butterfly64]

Hiya, I'm a supporter myself, I've been with my PTSD suffering Lady for a little over 18m now. The biggest hurdle I encounter is constant rejection but having to watch whilst she contacts other people, especially guys. I do think she loves me but nothing I say or do can get through to her how hurt I feel. I try my best to give her space and take all her flak when she gets mad but it's hard as I'm a bit of a softie and take everything to heart. We dont live together but she feels it's fine not to contact me all day and night and even then it's by text only. We can sometimes have some lovely times together but the distance she puts between us is having a dreadful effect on my wellbeing. Im sorry if this wasn't what you were hoping to hear but it is what it is. Take care.

The same here. Him spending time with his female friends who all adore him and he pulls away from me. I know he just sees them as friends and that he can spend time with them because he has no feelings for them....so they are safe and I am dangerous. So I hear you!

 

[bellbird]

the distance she puts between us is having a dreadful effect on my wellbeing

Im sorry if this wasn't what you were hoping to hear but it is what it is.

Hey, @Dave ZInger ,
When I started this thread I knew full well that I was posting on the supporter side, with only the intention to gain insight into supporter experiences, which is exactly what you've given me so thank you for that :)

I am, though, sorry for your sake regarding the impact that your PTSD relationship is having on your wellbeing.
Are you sure this is a sustainable thing for you? It's important that the pro's outweigh the con's, PTSD or not. And your own wellbeing is just as important as your partner's.

 

[Dave ZInger]

Hey, @Dave ZInger ,
When I started this thread I knew full well that I was posting on the supporter side, with only the intention to gain insight into supporter experiences, which is exactly what you've given me so thank you for that :)

I am, though, sorry for your sake regarding the impact that your PTSD relationship is having on your wellbeing.
Are you sure this is a sustainable thing for you? It's important that the pro's outweigh the con's, PTSD or not. And your own wellbeing is just as important as your partner's.

Hiya, yes it's a constant struggle and atm I'm pushed away again and feel really anxious, it's getting increasingly harder to mention anything that is bothering me. The poor lady has just had 3 deaths in her list of family and friends one of which was a 6 week old Baby so I'm just trying to sit patiently right now but it really is hard.

The same here. Him spending time with his female friends who all adore him and he pulls away from me. I know he just sees them as friends and that he can spend time with them because he has no feelings for them....so they are safe and I am dangerous. So I hear you!

Yes yes yes.. Exactly that, I'm expected to accept being bottom of her list because I'm seen as "toxic" for wanting a bit of her time and to simply be in her thought.

The angry outbursts over seemingly nothing. Being cold with me but warm with strangers. Isolation. Feeling like I don't really matter.

This is so me, sometimes I wish I wasn't so emotional as its such a weakness as a supporter.

The angry outbursts and catastrophising about things that shouldn’t be such a big deal. The going over and over and over the same issues and continually dredging up negative past events that happened years ago.
I love her to the moon and back despite all these things though. It’s just very frustrating.

This is happening with us more and more, she constantly mentions one small row that happened over a year ago, regurgitated what I said hurtful to her but Completely ignores what she said to cause me to bite back. The thing is her family has drama after drama ( you've seen Shameless right?) so there's always "something" far more Important than my "pathetic" cries for attention. Then there's her 700 FB friends, a lot of which are ex addicts or alcoholics too so they are always reaching out to her which again puts me at the back of the queue. It's getting harder and harder to keep the will to carry on tbh.

 

[Dave ZInger]

I just want to take a moment to thank all of you for your answers to this thread.

It's a pretty unique situation being able to ask questions of a group of supporters like this, and I'm very appreciative for the time you've taken to give me insight into your worlds. :)

I joined this thread a few months ago for the very same reason, it has helped me tremendously. The honest and Frank input from both sufferers and supporters his helped enormously. Take care.

Yes. This. Walking on eggshells to keep the peace. Suppressing my own wants and needs. Dimming my own light and being hesitant to be my authentic self. I learned that if I didn’t this would most often lead to one second being the love of his life and the next he would explode, giving me every indication that he hated me, and immediately disappear. The push-pull dynamic was the hardest part for me. Days, weeks and even months of the silent treatment. Every time it was my fault.
I could handle and deal with every other aspect of PTSD but not this. Whether this was his NPD rather than his PTSD or a combination, I don’t know. What I do know is that on here supporters have spoken about how their partner might isolate but that they would never leave/disappear or they were able to somehow communicate enough to ensure the supporter didn’t feel abandoned. That would have been huge for me. I would have been fine if he would have at least stayed in the house...maybe a special room that only he ever accessed...and taken whatever time he needed. If he had stayed in the relationship that would have been huge. Instead every time this happened it felt like its death. I didn’t know when/if he would ever come back.

The projection, emotional abuse, future-faking and gaslighting were also tough. He was always the victim. I was the alcoholic (no), I was acting jealous (no), I was the one that needed a psychologist (already had one but apparently mine didn’t know anything....but important for supporters to be able to have a therapist to talk to). I should be on medications (no).
If he had simply acknowledged...at any point....what he put me through. Apologized. Took some responsibility for his actions, rather than blaming me/everyone/everything else for his behaviour.

He slowly eroded, manipulated and demolished my boundaries....that was on me. Having a supporter who is capable of maintaining theirs and you respecting them is so very important.

Really, it came down to not feeling safe, heard and understood. I think there was any number of things he could have done to help with that....but in my case it was never going to happen.
The fact that you are asking these questions means that you are already leaps and bounds ahead.
Your supporter is very very lucky.

Wow. This is so carbon copy to my experiences with the exception that we don't live together so she has no issue whatsoever closing the door on me as though I don't exist if I dare to tell her how I feel.

 

[AngelBaby]

Several moments when his anxiety and inability to be in crowds has dimmed the light and excitement out of things. He’d freak out and turn cold, later apologizing and having a great night. It never fails tho, those moments of tension rubs off on me and I have to try to shake it off after the fact.

 

[Dave ZInger]

Several moments when his anxiety and inability to be in crowds has dimmed the light and excitement out of things. He’d freak out and turn cold, later apologizing and having a great night. It never fails tho, those moments of tension rubs off on me and I have to try to shake it off after the fact.

What I have realised is that the level of effect differs massively with each sufferer, my lady is very outgoing but can however struggle in a crowd and bed to "get away" . On the other hand she can attend meetings and sit talking to the whole group with ease. I believe that she pushes me away because it's something that she doesn't "have to" deal with at that time, and she feels safe in the knowledge that il always be there. It does take it out of me though and no matter what I say I'm labelled as a "moaner"

 

[AngelBaby]

What I have realised is that the level of effect differs massively with each sufferer, my lady is very outgoing but can however struggle in a crowd and bed to "get away" . On the other hand she can attend meetings and sit talking to the whole group with ease. I believe that she pushes me away because it's something that she doesn't "have to" deal with at that time, and she feels safe in the knowledge that il always be there. It does take it out of me though and no matter what I say I'm labelled as a "moaner"

My partner as well, he is in a motorcycle club, meets people all the time, attends meetings, church, but when it comes to crowds, he can’t handle it. I have so many incidents where he’d lash out at me, due to his anxiety, causing me to become emotional. Once calm, acting as though nothing has happened and I’m supposed to carry on like nothing has happened too? It’s emotionally exhausting. We’ve gotten better but it takes a toll.