General What are they thinking?

[Freida]

Thanks @Itsatay

It's kind of semantics but I think there is a difference between ghosting and checking out. Ghosting is kind of like running away and leaving everything and everyone behind. I think of it like total panic mode - I'm incapable of communicating. The kind of checking out you are describing is more when I'm overwhelmed and my emotions start to shut down. I'm just doing what needs to be done, laadeeedaa. That applies to everything right now - even taking care of my mom. I'm kind of peripherally aware of the world around me but I'm not really paying attention. I'm also not technically running from it. I'm just in a bubble. So ya -- totally not about those around me.

If that makes sense?

 

[Friday]

Sometimes they just literally cannot make themselves go. It’s not that they don’t want to... they may have really wanted to go and/or see you. It’s that they CANNOT make themselves go. The stress cup overflowed, or they panicked. Then they stress that they’re disappointing people. Then they stress that the person they were supposed to go out with is upset with them. Then they spiral down into thinking they’re worthless... it happens.

My life. So my life.

 

[Friday]

But...no. I hadn't noticed, because for about 4 of the previous 6 months he'd completely shut me out.

LMFAO... So classic. Dude. Next time? Pair emotionally available with physically available! :hilarious:

. It's not the isolating itself that's got me confused, it's that he doesn't seem to have total awareness of the 4 months he was gone this time around

Yeah. Time stopped being linear a long time ago.

I’ve learned I have certain key phrases that are the equivalent of a being hit upside the back of a head with a clue by four. A few week back? Is usually about 6 months. But about 6 months ago? Actually means sometime within the past 15 years. When I start vague-ing time rather than specifying the month or season? My calendar isn’t just off, it’s out the window.

 

[Freida]

My calendar isn’t just off, it’s out the window.

I have to us "where was I" when I'm trying to remember time. Which country was that in, how did I feel in which city, etc. ask me what I did a month ago or a year ago without that and I'll be totally baffled :laugh:

 

[Chris-duck]

I have to us "where was I" when I'm trying to remember time.

I do this too. Uh "I lived in that country so I was uhhh.. 19?.." otherwise no clue at all of order of things

 

[LuckiLee]

My guy does the same thing Freida. What country was I in? What conflict? What team was I on? Even, who was still alive?

His memory has gotten worse in the last 3 years and it's driving him crazy. He might think something happened last week when it actually happened yesterday. Or vice versa. Ugh!

 

[LuckiLee]

Like right now... He's watching season 8 of the Walking Dead and is confused because some of it isn't making sense. We're on season 7 and he won't believe me. Whatever. Silly man. ?

He'll figure it out eventually. Lol.

XO❤

 

[Freida]

We're on season 7 and he won't believe me. Whatever. Silly man. ?

Ok that is just funny ---I do the same kind of thing to hubby :laugh: I will be SURE! about how something is happening and he's all....uhm, you know that's out of order right? No its not! :rolleyes:

 

[LuckiLee]

We could bicker till the cows come home about that kind of stuff. And we have. I don't get sucked in anymore. I'm not entirely sure when that changed? Hmm?

I just kinda go with the flow when it comes to his ptsd. No need for both of us to be stressed. (I was getting to my breaking point for a minute there)

 

[grimalkin]

Like right now... He's watching season 8 of the Walking Dead and is confused because some of it isn't making sense. We're on season 7 and he won't believe me. Whatever. Silly man.

OMG this drove me BA NA NAS. At the time, I had no idea this is what was happening, and hubs wouldn't acknowledge that he would lose time, or that he could be wrong about thinking something happened last week, when it was 2 years ago. One of his "rules" for me, in fact, was that if it was in the past, it was in the past, never to be spoken of again - I now wonder if that's because he didn't remember half the time to begin with (he could, of course, bring up things from the past, it was only a rule for me). Sometimes not even physical proof would be enough to convince him that, no, I didn't do this thing two months ago, it happened 5 years and 2 houses ago.

We would actually have arguments about some of these things, and he eventually turned it on me, that my memory was terrible, and something must be wrong with me (and I believed it - hellloooo gaslighting. Unfortunately, I think he believed it, too).

I see this tendency in my mom, too - losing and misjudging time...and she has some pretty serious anxiety issues (I would not be surprised by cPTSD as her childhood was not exactly filled with love and support and she has a trauma history, but she's never been diagnosed, probably never will be) as well.

lol Unfortunately, for long awhile, it made me question myself even more - "If it's the two most important people in my life having these issues, and this pattern keeps appearing, maybe it really IS me!" followed by hours figuring out the reality (and finding that, no, I was right).

Now, I just nope out of conversations like that. "Nope. That's not how or when it happened. Do you need proof?" I've definitely gained confidence in myself, and I refuse to be sucked into arguing about it, and I DEFINITELY refuse to be gaslighted (gaslit?) anymore.

And speaking of ghosting - OH HAI EVERYBODY! Still alive. Still chugging along. Still consider myself a supporter. Still married, but separated. lol

 

[NaeNae75]

Okay, so I have a question...We've still been in our normal unconventional/more than friends/ less than dating limbo..... So our couples therapist told me something Monday that she was waiting to tell me until she thought I was "ready" to hear it. So apparently he told her that he was thinking of breaking up with me so he can figure things out, but he's afraid of losing me. He told her that if he thought I'd leave, then he wouldn't break up. But since he knows I'll be in his life he was going to.

I guess this is what I've thought right along, but hearing it really makes me angry. Like, why not just talk to me about it any of the times I've tried. I feel like I'm allowing him to treat me like a doormat at this point. I have another close friend, a Marine with PTSD, tell me he's done the same stuff with his estranged wife. That he pushed and pushed until he did worse things to her. Now that she left him, he's freaking out.

He told me that I should call his bluff, so to speak, and stop contacting him. I'm petrified of this. He said that I'm teaching him that my feelings don't matter as long as he gets what he wants. He said it's fine to continue to love him, but stop making it easy to take me for granted. What are you guys' thoughts about this? He talks about future things with me all of the time...but no talk of meeting any of my needs...not contacting him feels somewhat cruel to me. Is it? I'm really looking for you all's opinion. I'll make my own decision, but I'm so confused right now.

But I do have to say that really bothered me.

 

[OrangeJulius]

@NaeNae75 I think I would tell him what you know and how you're feeling about it. It sounds like his breaking up with you was far more calculated than you initially thought. And your friend is right about teaching him that this is ok to do to you. You say that cutting contact petrifies you, which I completely understand. So if you're not ready to do that then tell him that the limbo is not sustainable. You remind him that he's going to have to make a choice eventually. That you love him and want what's best for him, but not at the cost of what's best for you. That will create a soft boundary, no timelines, but warning him that you won't necessarily be around forever which is his fear.