General What are they thinking?

[WinterCricket]

And this is why I rant and rave here --- I KNOW you all are fabulous at helping me get my head outa my ass :hug::laugh:

Y'know - Now that you mention it I have to admit that I haven't seen the whole "holy crap do you know what horrible shit my sufferer did?!" thread. hmmmm....



I soooo wish I could get my head wrapped around this. Why o why do I always jump to their reaction must be directed at me? Because I know damn well bestie and hubby have told me that yes, they do get upset but it's not at me. That it is ok to tell them, even if it makes them cry because it is horrible. Because they aren't crying because I told them. They are crying because they are sad for me or mad at the bad guys. ughhhghghgh :banghead:


well when you put it that way,......... :rolleyes:



Honestly now that I've heard from all y'all I wouldn't dare tell bestie I doubted her ability to cope. She would be on the next flight up here just to bitch slap the crapola outa me for even going there :laugh: So once again you guys save the day --- and the pricey airline ticket.


ok. this one really hit home.
I think it may have to jump to the front of the therapy pile o crap this week.
Because I think you are right. I expect them to look at me like I look at me. How could they not? If they knew the truth how could they stay? Knowing what I've done?
But.
As you all prove to me over, and over (and over --- good god freida get it thru your head!) supporters are way, way tougher than I realize. They have to be just to deal with our day to day drama. I guess when it comes down to it that's what supporters are really all about. Seeing the worst of us and loving us anyway.

gotta go do some big thinking bout all this.....

@Freida Woop woop! You're such a wicked rockstar and ya don't even know it ;)

While you're at it, put this in the pipeline...People who have the most difficulty sorting things due to PTSD are really quite closer to "normal" than they think. They are perhaps the most thoughtful and caring among us all really.

Because---If you were a sociopath or waaay out there on the nut-job scale, you wouldn't be having all these thoughts about what you did or what others feel about it! Boom, not crazy, not at all, just a caring, thoughtful human.

This is what I tell the Marine and it seems to register with him too, until he pulls out his can of self-hatred again and around we go....To all you sufferers, yes, self-forgiveness is huuuuge!

There's a fabulous line in the movie "Medicine Man" where the good doctor (whose research efforts in the rainforest to eradicate cancer brings in other researchers who inadvertently cause a plague that wipes out an indigenous tribe) angrily shouts at his top supporter "Until I forgive myself, no one else is allowed to!!"

 

[candor]

This: “My supporters thought If I dumped what I'm thinking on them then I have to deal with THEIR emotional fall out. And I don't want to.”

Less experienced supporters will sometimes get accused of being abusive by their partners much to their surprise. No one would expect much from a dying cancer patient (like returning calls). Notice how we don’t get upset at someone dying? It would sound to others like abuse. But here is the thing. Like some of you posted, sufferers cycle all the time in and out of their suffering. And a “I don’t want to” becomes an “I can’t”... I often feel that I should have just as much claim to having my needs mets. I don’t. Cause no matter how great my disability is, his is greater. And I know how confusing it is for people who have to deal with me cause I cycle between CANT and can. I can’t remember, I can’t process. Oh now I see the shit I got to be responsible for. So I became a ninja of masks and pretends. But my special friend can only pretend for a few hours at a time. And I know that I have been rewarded by my loyalty.

I have been so grateful for reading here but posting here has been a challenge. It can be hard to be honest even if you are anonymous cause nobody likes to be judged. But that is life judgements and expectations. We are judged for doing things differently. We are punished for not fitting in.

I mean people mean well when they tell me to move on. I am thinking "Does anybody really really think I have not thought about that? I am not trying hard enough? You wouldn’t say move on to someone who is depressed but you write it here?"

Anyway, we can never get the whole story and "my suffering is greater than your suffering " belief ... is just someone justifying this and that for their own ego trip.. My needs do get met all the time.... by people who can. He CANT. So what I am thinking is "this is a work in progress for me. "

I got all the standard well meant cliches thrown at me. " Don't fix. Don't wait". Luckily others have been able to express my own questions better and I have really been helped by others posts. Until I am ready to leave no one is allowed to tell me to do so. I won't be able to forgive myself... But cause I am addicted to the thought of him doesn't mean that I suffer. I don't think he has ever known gratitude. He is so used to being unsocial that my timeouts are barely noticeable. In the song Slave to love the strong get weak. I come and post when I am feeling weak. So please please be gentle with me as I try to be with myself.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Because---If you were a sociopath or waaay out there on the nut-job scale, you wouldn't be having all these thoughts about what you did or what others feel about it! Boom, not crazy, not at all, just a caring, thoughtful human.

This is exactly what my therapist says when I call myself a monster that should be under the jail. Though that description of myself is still there, he just keeps on repeating this and I do have to admit that the monster identity is lessing a bit.

I wish I knew why so many people tend to say "no, don't tell me anymore" and even becoming animated with ear coverings and what not and even walking away when they actually asked about it. My step mom and dad do this. Maybe it has to do with being family vs an SO? Though I have had others that arent family behave this way. Though they also were an SO.

Has anyone had that sort of reaction or have experience with it? I mean, I understand weensing (I cannot figure out how to get the right spelling for that) when they have an emotional reaction to the story but actually demanding for you to stop telling it (when they asked to begin with) and covering their ears and even walking away? These people, I know for a fact, were not traumatized themselves so no possibility of triggering their own trauma.

 

[candor]

I wish I knew why so many people tend to say "no, don't tell me anymore"@ lfs
Have you considered that it can feel like you are ripping off their well glued perfectly filtered masks? In my family, they deny everything. I make them feel responsible. So I always add "and you did the best you could AT THAT MOMENT. " But brain wiring accounts for what can be taken in.

Also perception comes to mind. You cannot control what thoughts go through their heads. I often say things where people assume it hurts me cause the narrative would hurt them. I hated that.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Have you considered that it can feel like you are ripping off their well glued perfectly filtered masks?

Yes! Denial is huge in my family but there are a few that have done it that aren't in my family. Its probably the question that I will never have an answer for but it really sucks when they asked and I am opening up. You know? Like opening up happens so rarely for me.

Sorry, didn't mean to attach this to @Freida's post. Just seemed like a good question to ask. Was wondering if any supporters had that reaction and why. But, then again, if someone is a supporter, they are supporting the sufferer and have their best intrests in mind. Not their own best intrest.

ETA: When opening up I mean.

 

[scout86]

I wish I knew why so many people tend to say "no, don't tell me anymore"

A thing to consider is that different people ask those questions for different reasons. There's a difference between a "supporter" and a "normal person". Not all supporters are, technically, "normal" and not all "normal" people want to be supportive.

Some people ask those questions because they're just plain nosey. Some of them are the same people who get in the way, gawking at car wrecks. Some of them were probably mildly curious, but never expected the sort of thing they're going to get from you. (Your personal story is one that's a little more unusual, and kind of extreme, so people are more likely find it shocking.)

Part of this, I think, is that we aren't always very good at reading people. It's hard to tell what their motives are. Are they being nice because they're nice, or because they want something? Do they really care how I feel, or is this some kind of trick? Personally, I generally don't talk about stuff I don't want to talk about unless I have a pretty good reason. Even then, I'll provide enough to help make sense of a current situation, but not a lot of details. That's me. I don't find "talking about stuff" to be very helpful, so I'm not going do any more than seems necessary. That's just me though, different people feel differently about that too.

 

[candor]

And there is also all that “ vampire (alias toxic people) that suck up your energy” talk. ....so even when someone has invited you to open up and you do cause you are feeling vulnerable, why do we have to worry about how it will be received to top? To me, it feels that I am being setup and that I have just walked into the label trap. So I am not going to worry. People that need to label others tend to feel better about themselves if they can put others down. It is a form of bullying in my book. Personally, I don’t find these labels in any shape or form helpful...even throwing around the word psychopath for evil actions. I think with time we find the tribe where we are accepted for who we are. I wont give up on people. The alternative “staying away from people” and living in fear NAH!! It takes strength and courage to open up. I have gotten better at being more selective but when choosing real friends, I prefer people that are supporters or are different like me. Scout86 nails it and I also would like to add that not all supporters are codependent or predators either :) All these cliches are just counterproductive.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Was wondering if any supporters had that reaction and why.

Never. Not once.

Like @scout86 said earlier, not everybody is supportive... even if they want to be.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

A thing to consider is that different people ask those questions for different reasons. There's a difference between a "supporter" and a "normal person". Not all supporters are, technically, "normal" and not all "normal" people want to be supportive.

Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. I guess I was considering some people "supporters" because they are the only people in my real life but that doesn't make them supporters. Supporters support.

Sorry if that makes zeros sense to others. Just how I am mulling it around in my head.

Your personal story is one that's a little more unusual, and kind of extreme, so people are more likely find it shocking

Indeed. Its why my therapist and I talk a lot about the term "unbelieveable". Especially with family because they don't want to believe that these extreme shocking things happened to me.

I guess I need to stop thinking of unsupportive people as supporters.

Sucks though and my brain doesn't want to. Because that leaves me with no supporters and my brain wants supporters or at least support. If that makes sense.

 

[scout86]

Because that leaves me with no supporters

A couple things about that. First, you DO have supporters here. Granted real life, physically present supporters would be better. You might want to consider how to acquirer a few of those. I know it's not easy. They aren't easy to find and the whole process seems scary. Believe me, I know. My T nags me about this topic all the time.

You've come a long way since you joined this forum. Maybe you've come far enough to think about branching out and forming a good relationship or 2 in the real world.

 

[candor]

ou've come a long way since you joined this forum. Maybe you've come far enough to think about branching out and forming a good relationship or 2 in the real world.

Funny, I was thinking the same thing about how you have changed for the better. You seem much more mature, confident and although I have always liked the advise you give advising is something you have practiced a whole lot on this forum lfs. Do you have that same sense of growth that others here seem to sense or is it hard to let go of old self perceptions? The comfort I find in old age is the knowledge that unbelievable things cant hurt me like they once did.

 

[joeylittle]

Reminder to sufferers: If there's a topic that would be better spun off into it's own sufferer-section topic, feel free to do so and link back to a post in this thread, for context. Thanks!