What Are Ways That You Do Not Take Things Personally? Need Tips.

[Deleted member 12723]

I get my feelings hurt easily. I take things very personally. I need to develop social skills in not taking things personally. Sometimes i do not take things personally. But I have not been able to figure out how I do this.

I cannot remember how long I have been like this. Mabe all of my life. I do not know what started it.

But I need tips and advise on how to not take things personally. Thank you for reading this.

 

[Lady Vet]

Gizmo....I, like you, am one to personalize. Sometimes all it takes is for me to remind myself, "This is about them, not you." That doesn't always work :) especially when my feelings are REALLY hurt.

One of the best tools I have found that works for me is what I call the "Shantra Journal." There is a long story behind the name, but essentially it means listening to the song of my spirit, that deeper inner truth about who I am. I use the Shantra Journal any time I am in a hightened situation. It is nothing more than a piece of paper with a line drawn down the middle....the two columns represent what's happening external to me (what someone else is doing or saying) and then the other column is all about what's happening internally (what I'm doing or saying). Then I "challenge" my inner self to uproot sources of core beliefs that are causing me to personalize what has become very clearly someone else's issue.

The Shantra Journal is not a "quick fix" but it has helped to shape and inform the way my brain processes information in that kind of dichotomy of external vs internal, so over time it gets easier for me to simply remind myself, "This is their issue, not mine." :)

Great question....I can't wait to see what other people have to say!

 

[faraway]

I have no advice, but I will lurk on this thread hoping to gain some! :bookworm:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you for your help. I have had my feelings very hurt and I need to do the journal. This seems like a very useful tool to use. I so appreciate your help.

I am so weary of taking things personally that have nothing to do with me. It is usually over a misunderstanding and a difference of opinion where repressed rage explodes on me. I tend to try to see how I could have provoked that, and now I see this as a false belief. I will use the journal and practice.

My goal is not to take things personally that have nothing to do with me. If my feelings get really hurt, I will have to find a way to deal with my hurt feelings and make myself feel better. Thanks again.

 

[JustBe]

I'm no help here, I just withdraw and isolate...not helpful or healthy.

I think you're brave for continuing to put yourself out there Gizmo.

 

[Abstract]

Dear Gizmo,

I am sorry you are hurting. If you want to say more maybe we can help. I have always taken things extremely personally but am so much better. I never appeared to as am expert at putting up a facade and always have been. I know for me so much of it is because everything did usually have an agenda and was about getting to me when I was growing up. What appeared to be and what was was totally different and I had to always be on the lookout. I therefore became used to reacting like that internally.

One thing that helped me be less hurt by peoples behaviour was realising that they did not think or experience things in exactly the same way as I did. For me to be aggressive or unkind to someone means quite a lot as I understand the hurt I am dealing out. But people who are usually aggressors don't think in that way. They are fundamentally focused on the "them" and either don't have much empathy or choose to block their empathy for the sake of their own agenda. It therefore isn't so much about me and is about them. I don't know if that makes any sense but it helped me.

The other thing was being heard in T. And the last was realising that people have their own sensitivities that they come at a situation from. So often if someone is critical it is because they feel insecure for example.

I also think I over developed empathy contributed and I now have my empathy more under control. That makes me sad in some ways but it has helped a lot too.

Do you always accurately know peoples intentions or do you sometimes imagine people mean harm where they don't? Sometimes we have every right to feel hurt too and that is OK.

 

[Lady Vet]

My goal is not to take things personally that have nothing to do with me.

I wish you lots of luck with this goal. I have stopped holding this as one of my own goals. I do my best to identify it when it happens, but I don't know if I'll ever change the reaction from taking place...I hope so...I hope so for you :) and I hope so for me, too :)

Blessings :)

 

[Abstract]

It is usually over a misunderstanding and a difference of opinion where repressed rage explodes on me. I tend to try to see how I could have provoked that,.

Ah. I think this happens because we are trained to think that everything is our fault. But this is a bit harsh but the truth - we are not important enough for everything to be about us. It wasnt about us back in the past either even though we were made to feel that way. We don't have the power to fix everything, make everyone like us or to change anyone. I think this is a symptom of having been made a caretaker in childhood. Have you read books on caretaking behaviour Gizmo?

I know I am very affected by rage and anger. It sends me straight back into feeling 5 years old.

:hug:

 

[Loveneverfails]

I takes things personally too. A lot. What I try to remind myself is that many times, these people don't even care enough to try and provoke offense. Yes careless words can hurt too, but somehow it hurts less knowing there was no malicious intent behind it.

But I also wanted to add that when you talk to a lot of people, there are bound to be a handful who no matter what you do or say, will never like you. It's just the way the world works. Avoid those who attack you, surround yourself with the people who value you and don't waste a single moment trying to get someone to recognize your worth. If they don't see it or choose to acknowledge it, there is nothing you can say or do to convince them.

 

[Dallas]

I try and remember that 99.99999% of the time, it is usually something that other person is dealing with or struggling with internally. For example, if I am at church and greet someone, and they give a brief, unenthusiastic "hi" and walk away, I used to think..."oh, no, what did I do wrong to offend that person."

Now I realize it's likely to be something internal that happened to that other person and has nothing to do with me. Maybe she had a fight with her husband this morning, maybe someone just hit her car in the parking lot, maybe she just got called in to work unexpectedly, maybe she just got a call her mother is very ill... the list is endless and we can't really speculate. The LEAST likely reason is that she's mad at me-because I really don't see all that much except at church briefly...etc.

Another thing I do when someone is rude to me or hurts my feelings, is realize the only one I really answer to is God. I focus on Him and know only His opinion of me ultimately matters. I am much more stable when I do that. My boat isn't rocked so easily.

Another thing that is difficult is when my boyfriend wants to be by himself or is in the hospital and can't see me, I just remember that he is ill, and it's nothing personal against me. I know he loves me, and I just try and give him space to heal, as I would any sick friend.

Hope those tips help, Gizmo!

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Abstract]

when you talk to a lot of people, there are bound to be a handful who no matter what you do or say, will never like you.

I agree. And what I decided was that there are certain people who if they do not like me I can take it as a good sign. They are not people that I respect so them liking me is not important. Their values are not my values.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I use the Shantra Journal any time I am in a hightened situation. It is nothing more than a piece of paper with a line drawn down the middle....the two columns represent what's happening external to me (what someone else is doing or saying) and then the other column is all about what's happening internally (what I'm doing or saying).

(((Gizmo))), this is something I've struggled with for a long time.

Ladyvet, the shantra journal sounds really interesting, but I'm unsure how you use it. Do you write on it? or just carry it with you as a visual representation?

They are probably really stupid questions. But I would like to have a go at using this. Perhaps you could create a new thread about it, or send me some info on it (I don't want to hijack Gizmo's thread here)

 

[Britt.f7]

If I am taking someone's mood personally, even if they really haven't said anything to me directly and I know them "well" enough, I will ask them if I did something to upset them. It beats it going around and around and around in my head.

If it is someone like my sister who tends to project her bad mood onto me, I will direct it back to her. Usually this is by saying, somewhat lighthearted but firm, that she can stop taking it out on me. It has to be sounding somewhat lighthearted for her not to be offended. This is fine with me because it tends to work. Though I do stiffen up somewhat waiting for the backlash.

If it is a stranger, I remind myself the problem lies within them. Doesn't always work, but I try to keep telling my self that. If they are talking down to me I remind myself that they are not any better then me just because of whatever it is that makes them think they are more superior.

Whatever the situation it seems like I do a lot of talking to myself or bringing it out in the open because having it in my head is worse then bringing it up.

I think it has a lot to do with being brought up as the one who was "responsible" for mostly everything. Somehow I ended up being the fixer. Not good for the mental health. Still working on stopping that though.