Typically? tired; but extra, as yesterday was a BIG day.
I bit more integrated, from support from my guy friend.
Hopeful, I think I've found a new friend.
A little less cut off, as I'm doing group therapy, and it seems to be helping.
I feel extremely Tired, Weary, and Exhausted as if there is something physically wrong with me. I have had blood pressure drops upon standing which I am now aware of and can try to avoid...but suddenly getting tired, sleeping a lot, and having little to no energy really worries me. There is a sense of being unwell.
Big brain dump, coming up. I feel continually perplexed, on guard (more than usual), and repeatedly heart broken by the incredibly unsafe decisions my nephew is (still) making. Putting others at risk in a big way, as well. All the while, not willing to seek professional help in the places he'd be most apt to find it.
Said he was evaluated in jail by a psychiatrist and they said he is fine - and that he functions fine when he does drugs and doesn't need help because he doesn't want to be put on a bunch of pills - and said he won't go to the homeless shelter because people keep asking if he wants to get high - but yet he's clearly getting high while he's not at the shelter. I remember addict brain all too well. What an uphill barbed wire muddy maze to try to get through.
He scared his mom and godparents via how he acted when visiting them not long after being released from jail (the process in which he ended up in even more debt with a fellow prisoner and his now ex - oh great) to the point of not being allowed to go back into their homes, and having police involved.
He sounds/acts more and more delusional with each random phone conversation his mom has with him. The weather is getting colder, my what-ifness brain is working harder, and my heart is so badly wanting to reach out to try to ease his suffering - but I can't forge or force his path - nor even communicate with him, as he no longer contacts me (and in a twisted way, I'm grateful for that, to be honest) - and trying to do so will only increase the suffering for both me and him. Forever hoping he can find the will to want to/be able to find his way.