A bit torn by conflicting thoughts and feelings: a bit sad but grateful; afraid but tired; welcoming silence but overwhelmed by an eerie feeling; overstimulated (I think) but restless; worried and for someone tomorrow but unable to effect change; somewhat lonely but wanting to isolate; quietly desperate but trying to have faith; over tired but awake with dread; happy but unsure; frightened but hypervigilant. Wrestling with hopelessness and exhaustion but struggling to gain perspective, trust and trying to remember when life had more joy and groundedness - hope, I suppose. To some degree Idk what to think, yet I know thoughts influence emotions.
ETA Feeling a bit relieved to check the motion detector, do 2nd lock on door, and see one sound I heard was a cardboard box that fell over.
Really tired of being inclined to have to live with ptsd-and-non-ptsd-related-encumbrances. Really makes me both angry and sad life was been so exhausting, limiting, frightening and harrowing for so many years. I had only hoped for peace, some joy, security, some degree of purpose or to give back in a way true to my personality and likes. I am tired. So I suppose I'm feeling self-centered/ self-pity. And un-anchored/ adrift.