I feel some self-righteous indignation, anger, and frustration because my male roommate is such an asshole. I spoke to him yesterday morning and he did not reply although I know he heard me, so I thot maybe he isn't fully awake yet and I spoke too early). Then later in the day, when I asked that he take me to the bank when he went out, he promptly ignored me and went out anyway never saying another word to me all night. (We usually have dinner together (him, his lady, and I), but instead, he just ignored me). I am so wanting to move from here. Grrrr.
On the other hand, I choose to focus on the positive things in my life and I am happy and looking forward to the future for the first time in a while. I feel more careless and light-hearted than I have in quite some time and I know the roommate situation is a temporary, situational type of depression/upset...I know it will pass. Things have a way of working out no matter what sometimes.
Reeeeeeally fawking jealous that my sister is getting a $3,000 bonus for coming on-board with “my” Covid job.
I’ll be happy for her, later.
Right now, though, I’m busy feeling bad for me.
Which I know (thinking!) is ridiculous. She could be making 10x what I make, usin her advanced degrees working in her own field. NVM a “measly” 3k. Which is what my ex makes in a DAY. Which, on at least a few occasions? I have, too. Before I traded it in for white picket fences, dogs, & kids. But for the past decade? Is seeeeerious money I don’t even make in a month. Much less a day, week, or “so happy to have you!”. So there’s complicated shit BEHIND those feelings. That. Has. Nothing. To. Do. With. Her.
Like I said, I’ll feel happy for her, later. It’s not only a massive step DOWN for her to come work with me, it’s a giant concession to limit contact, to avoid infecting us with all of her clients/patients germs. She’s doing a reeeeeeeally nice thing, that, yes, I am & will be grateful for. Later. Once I stop being jealous that she’s getting my past 2 months of back breaking (okay, wrist breaking technically, my back was only sore) hard physical labor… gratis.
Stupid f*cking jealousy. Such a ridiculous emotion.
So ashamed I opened my mouth these past years. Has resulted in all negatives, including making someone angr(ier), causing a burden to others and being avoided, no one telling the truth all the while. I am mortified. And it will necessitate avoiding now a lot of places and mutual acquaintances, and giving up practising what I believe, at least in the ways they require. And I'm still in more or less the same situation. Except older, without the only resource I relied on the last 35 years, and humiliated. Due to my own fault. I wish I could move far, far, far away.
Mind you, I was reminded at least I connected yesterday with a friend I've known 38 years, and my Thanksgiving cactus budded pink but bloomeed red as of 2 weeks ago. But man is it cold outside, though dog got a w/chair walk. And I am off today. So grateful, tired and open-minded as to plans tonight. But have one job I must get done, then will be free. I hope. I can't change the past. But I can start fresh unknown.
Feeling grateful today to have people in my life who care about me, albeit they may not know what’s going on in my healing journey or how exactly to support me.
I’m also feeling grateful that I’m not feeling afraid today. My therapy last week stirred up some fear so for most of the week I’ve been getting triggered and scared and boy that fear lingered until it was re-triggered and intense again. I’m not exactly sure what memories this fear is tied to (maybe all the fear memories?), but I sure am hoping my brain is working some things out.