Sad that someone told me to phone (which is out of my comfort zone) , to no avail. I thought they would at least take responsibility for using words to say get lost if that's what they wanted. Maybe they thought silence is less insulting, Idk. Shame for ever revealing my self.
But I guess it won't count as ghosting on my part at least. Relieved in a way. Deflated of hope to get better though. Maybe it never mattered for me to get better, in the big scheme of things? Everyone has their prblms.
Tired, sore, satisfied.
Looking forward to the football game.
Amazed by some people's acceptance.
Father's day- hard.
Mixed thoughts so therefore emotions.
Dirty from gardening- have to go scrub my toes!
Today I feel anxiety, panic and disordered.
There's fear, fight/flight and an edginess I find very uncomfortable.
I'm scared. Feel alone. Desperate.
A sense of hopelessness.
I'm angry, mad as hell!
I want and although I'm beginning to "move" I feel so f*cking immovable.
I'm sitting here trying to ask myself what/how do I truly feel about myself? And I'm not wanting to go there and dwell. I know I'm not going to like it.
But in this I feel some joy/relief - I'm here hanging with peeps reading, listening, learning, sharing, expressing.
This is new for me.
I'll take it!
I like my neighbour, but he's a 'real' neighbour and drops by unannounced or inviting me for a beer, I feel- avoidance. Though he doesn't seem to care if I am in pj's, or no face on, etc. And he works from home and bar b q's all day- thought something was on fire because it was like 9 a.m. lol.
I felt a bit happy last night. Was thankful. Actually ended up making muffins with my own recipee which worked out perfect (probably because I didn't care and didn't want to waste a couple of bananas) and ate 3, and making my own face cream for a lark. I don't use any but I guess I better start and I figured wth, it cost nothing (all on hand) and inflation is through the roof. What I made would cost less than 2$/ year if I used it every day, and if I used it twice/ week I'd be making progress. I don't spend if I can help it, but it feels like a success if I can do it myself. Or just create something, maybe? And did (miraculously) my back exercises/ yoga- feel a little better for it today. It's like WD40 for arthritis, and I've got it from my neck to toes.
I feel rushed! Being lazy atm!
Feel very thankful for the people and kindness and support and acceptance here. Such kind people. Thank you to all.
I am sorry that I missed the edit, but under a thundercloud and it reminded me, last night I looked up and here's a burn (?) spot on one of the house eaves, wtf (????) Idk what could cause such a thing, or even what it is? But it's too high up to tell atm, not dirt for sure. That was - creepy? I figure couldn't be lightning, would have done more damage? Maybe a firework? Idk. Is 'strange' a feeling? I feel whatever the word is for stranged/ a bit creeped-out is what I feel. Maybe I am just too-aware?
I had time to get to the edit function @Lumos , hugs to you. I hope you can rest. I hope you will do something sweet for yourself you like.
Feel terrified in these thunderstorms, and there are fire/ ambulance sirens going, an alarm. Saw a thing on the news yesterday where the water sprayed up out of a street vent like a geyser, submerged cars- what occurred I saw at my house years ago- no one believed it. I felt like finally someone else saw 'Snuffleupagus'. A sad validation of sorts, feel very badly for them, and fear it myself.
I can't write more now, but today so far as been in the top 3 nicest, most peaceful, amazing, sweetest days for me in at least 6 months. I feel grateful, thankful, peaceful, and I dare say I have had a turning point. And I felt almost like 'me', maybe because I was more like me? Except for this crazy neck/ shoulder of mine, I never expected it, thought it would be really hard. Thankful, peaceful and happy. I hope I can come back to write it down so I don't forget!
But have to do a bit of work outside, it's +110 with humidity. I will be hot!
Really really grateful, humbled, and happy-sad. Not bittersweet- happy even though I'm sad. A 'good' sad. Integrated and peace-filled.
Some relief. A bit of fear but awe-struckness that maybe I can get a little better? Gratitude for grace and kindness. Resolve to try new and a new way (or old way with new thoughts, new personal responsibility) but taking a breath for peace, and hopefully a bit of jpy. Psyching up to try to get my motor running, hoping I can get done what I need to, and trying to just do it and not think of 'must get it done'.
A bit shy, but my nature is very shy. Personable when required but I was the kid hiding behind the leg. Still am by nature. Unless there's a dog there.