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I feel a bit better today I was able to eat and get the nausea medication that I needed as well. I feel happy because I will have company this coming weekend and I look forward to visiting with my cousin. We grew up together and are more like brothers than cousins.
Hopeless. Like being condemned to live in a sick, sadistic joke no matter how hard I've tried to overcome it. Everything I rely on or enjoyed or was important is taken and everything I despise and can't bear or wanted to avoid I'm forced to live with or face every day with no way out. That's how I feel. If there is anything out there, abandoned tbh. Dread, in so many ways.
Grateful my friend was kind, though was unexpected as did not expect a vote of confidence or anything at all positive.
I feel that my trauma history needs to be addressed by me. But I am also aware it is up to me to choose to trust, and I will choose to. I believe in doing so it will help not just me but others. Since anything else is distorted anyway, and it has to be my choice. I think feelings feel dangerous, when having feelings was incidental or others' feelings were dangerous to be around. but that isn't always the case.
I feel tired, but gentle or peaceful, whatever is the word. And a bit focused and a bit less selfish. Also very glad things are not up to me, I can only do my best, the outcomes are never up to me. Just to have a kind heart, hopefully.
ETA, I'm not really sure of the words ^^^. I feel safe(r). That's what I feel.