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Better now that I took KP's advice. I did something nice for myself. Decided to saddle up my favorite horse and try out his new english saddle and bridle, Just rode around the property but it sure felt wonderful on a gorgeous autumn afternoon. Then I spent time working out 6 1/2 month old yellow lab pup. He is such a pleasure and joy to be with ;o) Yeah, much better this evening!
I feel really defeated because I became really defensive after a meeting with my boss and took it out on my ex by telling him not to tell anyone that he's still talking to me out of pity. I urged him to say he's supporting me NOT pitying me like a stray puppy left out in the rain. But I feel... like a stray puppy left out in the rain.
I'm really sad tonight and I think I came to the conclusion that I need to make it through this (survive) even if it means I'm alone. But if I'm alone at the end of all this I can't tell if it's worth it. If I'm healed and can love again... what's it worth if I can't share those feelings with anyone? Am I just being a stupid teenage girl or is this a valid fear that some of you may have? I'm just so... troubled. I really do feel insecure.
I had a hosp appt this morning re my ulcerative colitis and the doc has put me back on meds for that. I think I rattle when I'm shaken.
I have last nights supper dishes to wash and all I want to do is crawl back into bed. H is away tonight so it is all down to me. I wish I was a bear and could hibernate.
I felt good this morning, just prior to another unexpected fit of heaving and vomiting moments ago. Yesterday morning I did the same. I'm tired of guessing and attaching the why's to sudden sickness. I don't know the why's, I just can take a guess at it and even that might not be precisely it. ............Oh' I feel crappy right now.