Well, I knew April/ May had lots of negative history, but remembered many memories today that were sh*ttier than I even recalled, no wonder I blanked it out! Lol. However, they were just memories, not FB's, though for the life of me can't recall them now, though I don't need or want to. I think it's state dependent.
So I feel Hooray! What a relief, no wonder I felt lousy, felt like such a moron when I couldn't figure out the cause. So that explains it and I feel relieved and happy to figure it out. :)
And speaking of state dependent, got horribly ill today out of the blue, but remembered the majority of memories then, so maybe that was the same back then, and that would go towards explaining why I also get triggered and beat myself up when I get sick. So that makes me wonder. :unsure:
Also, don't know why my body is doing this, but then it passes, and I feel fine. :) :tup:
And as far as getting sick lately, have been beating myself up for not being able to get awake and jump up- just dragging even to getto work on time, I have no idea why as it's not because of meds, or drugs/ alcohol, not even OTC stuff for the most part. BUT, figured it out, simply will get up earlier, because otherwise my body won't cooperate, can't move- God only knows why? So I feel less guilty and know it's not because I'm not motivated. :) Because I didn't feel 'down' (mostly), either.
So now I maybe have found a way to get back into a bit of my own swing! (with modifications).
I'm happy I have a 'plan'. And hope not to get so angry at myself.
And, realized reading 3 things: #1, I've been equating ptsd (triggers) to a situation better handled in other ways (that I haven't been doing :( ).
And the situation is often more 'silly' now than violent- Yay! :) So I just need to be "out of sight out of mind", use distractions, lock my door.
#2, read that real friends stay by you when you/ things are most desperate and hopeless, so I feel less mistrust/ burdensome, and also relieved it's not the same desperate times as before. :tup:
And thankful, of course.
And #3, had a string of little coincidences that make me feel less (entirely) hopeless. :unsure::rolleyes:
So I feel Hooray! What a relief, no wonder I felt lousy, felt like such a moron when I couldn't figure out the cause. So that explains it and I feel relieved and happy to figure it out. :)
And speaking of state dependent, got horribly ill today out of the blue, but remembered the majority of memories then, so maybe that was the same back then, and that would go towards explaining why I also get triggered and beat myself up when I get sick. So that makes me wonder. :unsure:
Also, don't know why my body is doing this, but then it passes, and I feel fine. :) :tup:
And as far as getting sick lately, have been beating myself up for not being able to get awake and jump up- just dragging even to getto work on time, I have no idea why as it's not because of meds, or drugs/ alcohol, not even OTC stuff for the most part. BUT, figured it out, simply will get up earlier, because otherwise my body won't cooperate, can't move- God only knows why? So I feel less guilty and know it's not because I'm not motivated. :) Because I didn't feel 'down' (mostly), either.
So now I maybe have found a way to get back into a bit of my own swing! (with modifications).
I'm happy I have a 'plan'. And hope not to get so angry at myself.
And, realized reading 3 things: #1, I've been equating ptsd (triggers) to a situation better handled in other ways (that I haven't been doing :( ).
And the situation is often more 'silly' now than violent- Yay! :) So I just need to be "out of sight out of mind", use distractions, lock my door.
#2, read that real friends stay by you when you/ things are most desperate and hopeless, so I feel less mistrust/ burdensome, and also relieved it's not the same desperate times as before. :tup:
And thankful, of course.
And #3, had a string of little coincidences that make me feel less (entirely) hopeless. :unsure::rolleyes:
