What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?

[ms spock]

I feel confused and scared because the better I get more conflict seems to come my way.
I am feeling more self esteem because even though things are getting harder I feel courage to stand up and face it!!
I feel grateful that my boys tell me that they stand behind me and love me more for being strong.:inlove:
I feel scared, really scared, but also hopeful!:tup:

Getting better is really hard. Things change and you have to learn new skills. Good on you! So brave!

 

[ms spock]

I feel so all over the place. Everything it so hard and I can't do it. I have been in bed for several days being quite sick.

I am scared of growth and change. If I change and let go of this pain - then I really have lost my sisters and brothers. I don't know if I can let that go.

I am scared that if things go right something terrible will happen.

I feel overwhelmed by my life and house.

 

[ms spock]

I feel really sick!

 

[KP the nut]

I feel calm and relaxed.

 

[The Albatross]

Philippa, I allow more time two dimensionally because of the effort it takes to be three dimensional is too much at times. Plus when you are voiceless and faceless, I can handle the honesty more.

Pause about your dad, and do what you have to prepared to accept the feedback. That's all we can do... at times.

 

[Iam]

Doing pretty good after a wonderful vacation :)

 

[Mercy]

Feeling real good today! Had a very good session with my T. I was able to tell her a few specific things about the abuse I suffered that I had not told anybody before. Wow, thoughts and ideas I had been hanging onto for over 30 years, and I was able to share them.

That is a huge step. The day really came when you could let some of the pain out!!!

Such a relief and a feeling of positive power being able to let go and feel safe in starting to trust a person with very uncomfortable memories.:confused:

I agree with you. It is an amazing relief to be able to be real and accepted by another person. You are renewing your acquaintance with your own power. Great.

 

[Philippa]

If you have a hesistation about giving your family your phone number or address - listen to that inner wisdom.

That is from my perspective which may or may not be helpful in your life.

ms spock

Yes, thankyou.

The hesitation is very clearly there, but they don't have any idea why so they just expect that I will give it to them. I've already copped it from my brother for not letting anyone know where I am, and that is my own fault for giving him my new number. My self-abusive side sabotaged my efforts to make a clean break from all of them.

Now since I called dad on his birthday he just assumes everything is fine and expects me to give him my address, which I have not, and hesitate to...so yeah, I know I need to listen to that, but I am being bombarded by my own inner battle of guilt and programmed messages about family etc...which is making things very tough at the moment...plus, my mind keeps minimizing and rationalizing things to make it seem ok to let them back in again, which I know is a problem here.

It doesn't help that they have been throwing the guilt card at me for having tried to kick mum in the stomach 8 years ago when I wigged out after going off meds and being at the peak of my ptsd symptoms. I got pretty out of control and violent...and they just keep reminding me of it...which doesn't help things.

I said to my brother that I wasn't myself when that happened, and there were two sides to the story, not just theres...but he takes their side mainly. It's hard.

None of them acknowledge how their behavior affects me and I've started questioning whether I am just making a mountain out of a molehill, like they all seem to think I am...but I know what I've been through and I know I have done well to be assertive towards dad about his behavior...he just refuses to acknowledge it or admit it, and just pretend it's all in my head and I'm just being "stupid Philippa" as usual, and plays the victim. He wants to keep the peace, and THAT's the problem...becuase HE is the one causing all the damage and he won't admit it.

I do appreciate your perspective though, so thankyou for the nudging. It's just really challenging at the moment. Overcoming their invalidation is one thing, but when I start doing it to myself in my inner world, then it's bad.

 

[ms spock]

Yes, thankyou.

My self-abusive side sabotaged my efforts to make a clean break from all of them.

Dear Phillipa,

You are being way, way too hard on yourself here. You are getting ready to cut contact. This is not easy. Not easy at all. Please don't pick on yourself and blame yourself for getting things right in some ways and getting it wrong in others.

Apparently, if you grow up in a not so abusive family - there are room for mistakes and not being perfect or good enough. So even if it takes you 50 times to learn how to break off contact with your family. That is okay.

I know a person who is a personal trainer and she says when someone learns a new thing that she doesn't expect them to get it right until they have practiced that new step 300 times - then it becomes part of their repertoire.

So for your first time I think and feel quite strongly that you are doing well.

You may have to practice cutting contact with your family for some time - that might be a long time or a short time.

It took me more than two decades to complete the process. During this time I went without seeing them for 5 years here and 2 years there etc etc.

We are primates - it is in our limbic system the need to be connected to people. This is such a brave and wise thing - to even think of doing it. I know people who haven't managed it and I make no judgement on that. I know how hard it is. I

To even think of protecting yourself in this way is so big and huge and amazing. You are learning to move away from people who are not good for you - with family that is pretty tricky.

Be kind to you. Support yourself. If you can't support yourself, at least try and notice the internal dialogue and you can't do that then my suggestion would be, for one minute a day - praise yourself for even thinking about it.

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

Yes, thankyou.

I do appreciate your perspective though, so thankyou for the nudging. It's just really challenging at the moment. Overcoming their invalidation is one thing, but when I start doing it to myself in my inner world, then it's bad.

It is not bad Phillipa, it is most understandable.

I am having a real battle with the invalidation of self stuff at the moment. So I do so feel for you.

Praise yourself for one minute today for even thinking of getting yourself away from your crazy family.

Maybe a PO BOX could be an interim solution. You don't give out your address.

In the future - maybe in five years or so when they bring up the kicking mother in the stomach 8 years ago - you may get to the point where you can say that is why I don't want to have contact with you and hang up. You may also never be able to say that stuff to them - it might be counter productive - I don't know the situation and you T or Psy can help you with that stuff.

For now hang tight and try to focus on the good you have done for yourself. Almost impossible I know - struggling with it myself today.

ms spock

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Disappointed and frustrated. Tired of doors slamming in my face. Not sure what to do next.

 

[Sqweak]

I feel:
Quiet: I've slept all of today and I don't feel like talking much, it feels nice to be awake and i'm not overly sad
Silly: Watched tangled today, I forgot how great this movie is
Hopeful: That I can get out of bed on time and get some work done around my place.