What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?

[Sqweak]

Disappointed and frustrated.

I've been there, I'm sorry. I hope things are brighter for you tomorrow. <3:barefoot:

 

[Iam]

Depressed
Unworthy
Inadequate
Doubtful
Guilty

My mom is at it again.

No matter what I do, it's never enough and the attacks begin. My T has advised me to delete her voicemails without listening to them. I find that very hard to do. Emailed and the called my step dad to ask him to please let her know that I will not be returning her calls.

Why do I feel so crappy about keeping the boundaries that are healthy for me? Why do I feel like a snake for not "being there" to support her. I mean I did call, just to provide emotional support, and she hammered me. Now I feel guilty, like a crappy daughter for not returning her calls.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Iam, nice to 'see' you-

It is very hard to meet your own expectations and definitions of love and loyalty when you realize at the same time it is doing you harm- which it is. You've made the healthier choice for yourself, in the long run it will help you and your mom both more than going back to a self-harmful way of relating. Please don't feel guilty, it's a 'saner' choice but she can not see it as such (right now). But it's a necessary one.
(((Hugs to you)))

Also (((PH))), and Ms Spock- thank you (((Hugs)))

 

[Abelabelabel]

Today:
Feeling like something bad is about to happen.
Not in control.
Paranoid of my friends. I feel uncomfortable, and awkward, like I'm crawling out of my skin. Basic human interaction is suddenly a huge pain in the ass.
I feel like I have an inner darkness that I'm sometimes holding in my hands, and then it slips away, and projects itself on to my friends, family, memories, and the world at large.
Oh, also, confused.

Tomorrow:
I will feel much better.

 

[Abelabelabel]

Tomorrow I always feel much better.

 

[caliaviator]

Right now I feel sad, worn out, and alone. I called my cousin this week but didn't receive a phone call back. Meh, I try to keep in contact with family and friends but for the most part it's always me that has to initiate it. I'm tired of doing that...

 

[amethist]

So much more relaxed now I have put MY OWN priorities into place, no one else's but MINE. :tup:

May sound selfish to some, but PTSD is a selfish illness, even to a supporter.

 

[externalsmile]

Happy.

 

[Philippa]

Dear Phillipa,

You are being way, way too hard on yourself here. You are getting ready to cut contact. This is not easy. Not easy at all. Please don't pick on yourself and blame yourself for getting things right in some ways and getting it wrong in others.

Yes, you're right. I am way too hard on myself. it's the biggest challenge I've had to face to learn to be kind and gentle with myself...I just don't know how to do this. Half the time I don't even realize I am being hard on myself unless someone calls it to my attention...so i really appreciate that you did, thankyou.

Apparently, if you grow up in a not so abusive family - there are room for mistakes and not being perfect or good enough. So even if it takes you 50 times to learn how to break off contact with your family. That is okay.

Yeah, your're totally right. it's okay to not know how to do this. I've never done it before, so there's no reason why it should come easily to me. I guess I needed someone to let me know it's ok to not do it right the first time. For some reason I think I have to be able to. The perfectionist in me is surfacing I think.

So for your first time I think and feel quite strongly that you are doing well.

This was very soothing to read. I guess I am doing alright for the first time being faced with this.

You may have to practice cutting contact with your family for some time - that might be a long time or a short time.

It's funny but I just didn't even contemplate that it was something I would have to practise doing...I just thought I had to do it the first time.

It took me more than two decades to complete the process. During this time I went without seeing them for 5 years here and 2 years there etc etc.

I think I just work myself up into this anxious state at the thought of hearing from them again..."when are they gonna call me", instead of just enjoying the time when I don't have to see or talk to them. God, it's so f*cked up. I should WANT to hear and see them! Apart from my brother, the others are in different states alltogether. At least I got the experience of feeling what it was like to not be found by any of them for 3 months...that's something. It was such a peaceful feeling.

We are primates - it is in our limbic system the need to be connected to people. This is such a brave and wise thing - to even think of doing it. I know people who haven't managed it and I make no judgement on that. I know how hard it is. I

To even think of protecting yourself in this way is so big and huge and amazing. You are learning to move away from people who are not good for you - with family that is pretty tricky.

Thankyou for saying. It's hard enough when it's friends that aren't good for me...I still miss the last guy, even though he was horrid, I was used to him. With family, I've known them my whole life, and I'm 36...so it's understandable that it's really difficult to break away for good from them. They aren't interested in changing or curbing their behavior, so it's the only option I can see to prevent any more damage from being done.

It is a really big, huge thing. I need to stop and just really appreciate this as well.

Be kind to you. Support yourself. If you can't support yourself, at least try and notice the internal dialogue and you can't do that then my suggestion would be, for one minute a day - praise yourself for even thinking about it.

ms spock

Noticing the internal dialogue is the tricky part, for me. I do meditate and spend quiet time...but when I'm out in the world it is much harder to really hear what is going on inside me...there are so many distractions, and noise bombarding us all the time.

Thankyou so much for your kind and encouraging words. It's really helped me to slow down and not feel so much angst about it.

 

[Philippa]

So much more relaxed now I have put MY OWN priorities into place, no one else's but MINE. :tup:

May sound selfish to some, but PTSD is a selfish illness, even to a supporter.

Who said it's bad to selfish though? Perhaps we need to redefine what selfish means in this context because, to me, it sounds just like self-care, and there ain't nothing bad or wrong about that.

 

[amethist]

Your right Philippa, self care is exactly what it is. Thanks for the nudge in the right direction.

Possibly a bit of my own past coming back to bite me when I said selfish.

 

[Philippa]

I think in society we are taught (and women get this more than men do), that we have to always be taking care of someone else, to be considered 'good' in someone elses eyes, or else we risk their disapproval. But really, if we don't take care of ourselves first, then we aren't gonna have much to give anyone else. Also, it's your LIFE...you have every right to want to make your priorities a priority as well, and not just run around taking care of everyone else. Anyone who claims you are selfish in a bad way for taking care of yourself is just being selfish themselves, and uncaring of your needs and projecting it onto you.

Learning to approve of ourselves, so we aren't so afraid of not pleasing others to our own detriment is an important curve to take in learning healthy self-care I believe. Others may not like the change...too bad...they'll just have to deal with it.

This notion of having to be selfless is what has done so much damage to the psyche of women, and left them self-neglecting and neglected by others as well.