What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?

[KP the nut]

(((Iam))), I accepted a lower paid job and only for 10 hours each week. Yes, we struggle financially. BUT, as a person it has helped me so much. I am doing something I enjoy, yes, it can be frustrating, but I know I am making a huge difference in the quality of life for vulnerable people.

I wish you well. Try not to over think it, just enjoy the job and how is makes you feel.

Money does make life easier, but it is true it doesn't ensure happiness.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

So very lost and homesick.

So very thankful for those around me.

So depressed I can hardly stand myself.

Nervous about what Christmas will be like in this new place.

I feel like crawling in bed and crying. Seems to be happening way too much.

Wish for someone to hold onto me and help me believe things will be okay.

 

[Icon Nikon]

I feel:

Tentative about posting here again after retreating in defeat
•Afraid that my words will be misinterpreted
•Shattered and Weak because I am not as strong as I need to be
•Panicking about the possible replies

Unwanted wherever I go, as if I do not belong anywhere

Cold as I shiver under hospital cooling blankets for a dangerously high fever
(my body can't regulate its core temperature)

Violently sick from throwing up this entire week from massive drugs, from bleeding nasally into my stomach, and from a brain that's can't turn off the "I've got to throw up now" signal.
•Sore from collapsing on the floor after getting sick
•Fragile and Young with no one to sit with me or talk to me

Powerless because I have no voice to speak for myself
•Invisible and Ignored by the doctors who won't talk with me
•Helplessly Alone with no local support or therapist

Overstimulated and Overwhelmed from all the thumping of 3-4 hour long head MRIs per day to track my pituitary tumor and tumor abscess

Scrambled and Altered from doctors desperately attempting to dislodge and move the tumor to where it can be surgically removed and before it causes more permanent damage.
•Shaken beyond words for their attempts affect my entire endocrine system, my kidney function (acute failure and dialysis now), my vision, and my receptive and expressive language skills for hours at a time
•In Agony because the doctors use a port in my nose to increase my intercrannial pressure, to flood the area around the tumor, and to drain blood

Worried because I have a meningitis-like brain and spinal cord infection from the abscess within the tumor
•Triggered and Frightened because the infections interferes with self initiated movements and nerve transmissions

Upset and Anxious since things are serious enough that I must endure these attempts again today even though it is Saturday
•Terrorized because I have to be awake to monitor brain activity for damage
•Angry that I get absolutely no relief from any of it and hardly any sleep
•Sad and Hopeless as if PTSD is the least of my worries now
•Desperate to crawl out of my skin and scream; Deflated because I can't to either

Terrified and Distraught about what happens if they cannot surgically remove the tumor and abscess or if radiation tx fails
(the infection may not clear, the pituitary gland might die, my brain may be forever damaged, I might lose my vision, the kidney damage may not be able to be reversed, my endocrine system may remain unregulated, or I may just not ever being getting out of here or going home)

Blessed with Humor to assist in coping

And so much more...

Thankful to whomever chooses to wade their way through this, for sitting alone in silence with it truly s*cks!

So to those kind enough to read this for me, here's what I really feel. I feel like I have donated my body to science, but I'm not dead yet. I feel like a floundering fish packed on ice or a cryogenically well preserved specimen for future experiments. I feel that instead of having a magnetic personality I have become magnetized by too many MRIs in such a short timeframe. And because of this I now fear that all metal objects are going to impale me as I move about these sterile corridors. I also have a greater appreciation for the old "this is your brain on drugs" fried eggs PSAs, but without the euphoria of having inhaled any illegal substances. And lastly, in this arctic tundra, that is my room, my endless sobbing has resulted in icicle tears - stalagmites and stalactites that have together formed into one giant column beside my bed. And in this season of giving life and love to one another, I would like to refer to this column of icy tears as my own personal "North Pole", which I will gladly share with all of you.

Feel free to LAUGH, sometimes it's all we can control!!! :)

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays - May each of you receive what you need the most during this time of the year. And may what you receive hold much promise for hope and healing in the upcoming New Year!!!

With gratitude and warm regards,
Alex
(still scared to post, but will choose to take that risk and hope for the best)



Hurt

 

[Loloma]

UTI is getting better slowly. Sometimes the Doc gets the meds wrong as I'm resistant to so many. More than not it's my kidney that's infected which takes longer to stabilize. I have to get out in the sun while it's there and get some vitamin D in my system.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Excited about today. Going to a party and hoping it will be wonderful. A little worried I will be uncomfortable...but I wont let that stop me!

 

[Loloma]

I feel:

Tentative about posting here again after retreating in defeat
•Afraid that my words will be misinterpreted
•Shattered and Weak because I am not as strong as I need to be
•Panicking about the possible replies Hurt

There are no words to express my feelings after reading your post. Can't stop the tears. My problems pale into significance compared to yours. If I was there I would hold you in my arms and hug you. I wish I could take some of your pain to lighten your load.

You are so brave and strong and I will pray for you to help you find the strength to get through this. Many (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) and loving thoughts to you.

 

[amethist]

Almost in tears because I have been hurt by my family, again.

The one brother I thought just might understand how things are, has now proved how wrong I was.

So that's my mum and 3 brothers who have all now shown me in one way or another, that I am on the outside.

But I am not looking in anymore, I have now walked away from them all.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

So sorry, Amethist. :(

(((((Amethist))))

 

[Srain]

((((((((IconNikon)))))))))Missed you!
(((((((((Iam))))))))Wow!! So proud of you because I am aware of what a horrid job market it is, you Rock! :tup:

((((((((Amethist))))))) I'm terribly sorry for your heartbreak :(

This morning BigGirl is highly on edge, something is off next door since yesterday - another dog :ninja:and chemicals all over the place spilling onto our yard, dogs all night, all over the neighborhood howling. My Hunny got up and sat with us for awhile, a rare and wonderful thing, watched over the little Girl while I took Sasha out for a walk but she still is moaning and hiding???

I feel better but can't seem to shake this "fat" thing, like my ass could have it's own zip code, what's that about?! Now Migraine Zap, KP called it pretty well, I think it's from the stress of all my paranoia episodes this past week. I will look at how I managed out of it and allow myself to feel good about "sticking the landing", even if it was shaky and on a lame foot. I did it and I'm still here. (I have this thing for gymnastics..I use to love it, odd how I am using that term again lately. Flashback?)

 

[Froggie]

I feel: (still scared to post, but will choose to take that risk and hope for the best)

((((((Icon Nikon))))))) many have read and are listening to you. I'm holding your hand, this is pretty rough what you're going through and you did well to write and share with us. At least we can show our presence by your side.

 

[Froggie]

Hey ((((((Icon Nikon)))))) lite a special candle for you, forgot to mention it in previous post.

 

[Icon Nikon]

There are no words to express my feelings after reading your post. Can't stop the tears. My problems pale into significance compared to yours. If I was there I would hold you in my arms and hug you.

I am just about spent for today, and today is just staring. But likewise, there are no words to express my gratitude for your touching, gentle, and warming words of care and support.

However, perhaps my brain is more "altered" than I am aware of because I didn't mean for it to be a sad post. Or to make you or anyone else succumb to tears!!! I just needed to get outside my own head and process this week. I needed to link the "events" with the "feelings", and to accept whatever comes next. What I wanted most was to find my way back to the silly humor I use to go on and to cope, even if it is a tad bit twisted. I do hope that you did at least smile towards the end, otherwise I will really start to worry about the state/condition of my brain.

And my new friend, please try not to compare your suffering to the suffering of another. We are all built differently and have unique life experiences. But one thing is certain, pain is pain, no matter who feels it or what causes it - and it all hurts! I too, at times feel that I have no "right to complain for others have it much worse", but that kind of thinking only hinders both our healing journeys. If all of us on here eel undeserving of being heard, then how can we show up here and encourage each other? We all start at different points along the healing path, but if we are lucky we will find some others to walk part of the way with us. Like you just did for me!

And yes, the scared younger version of me would relish in being safely held. And relish in letting someone else do the worrying for me for just a few moments of relief. Yet I would also settle for just someone in here noticing my agony kindly caring enough to sit with me for a spell. I just need to feel as if I am still human.

And you HAVE lessened my pain simply by generously taking the time to share my pain with me!

(((embracing your tender response, Loloma))) and off for more "torture tx".

Try to have a good day and thanks again!

Many return Hugs,
Alex