I feel:
Scrambled - brain signals mixed up from doctors digging around in my head
Itchy - but an itch I cannot reach in the center of my head
Flooded and Full - like swimmer's ear but inside my skull - brain needs a water rescue
Petrified - since tx is not working and I seem to be losing all that makes me ME (a specialized preview of the mental decline of Alzheimer's - prehaps I need this insight?)
Exhausted - not allowed to do much more than doze - need to be alert to monitor mental status
Longing - to be home with my little furry felines, a glass of wine, and a warm fire (to burn all these medical bills in)
Worried - about those bills and losing my house, because I have no family or home anymore
Scared - but deflecting and denying it - determination is waning as more time passes by (finding the season, the holiday, and the transition from one year to the next quite difficult).
Altered - cannot use my frontal lobe effectively - no excutive function to counter my intense reactions with wisdom
Sick - still a volcanic puking machine
Anxious - a 2nd surgical procedure to debulk the tumor/abscess is temp. set for this Thurs (but I may not be strong enough for them to proceed - but without it more permanent damage is likely)
Angry at Santa - cause I never asked for a pituitary tumor and infected abscess for Christmas - but I gather "coal" is too expensive for him this year - maybe he had a pre-Christmas party and had a little too much eggnog before reading my list?
Appreciative - for all on here who kindly keep me in their thoughts and prayers - even when I am unable to log in or write the word "thank you"
And to Phoenix_Rising, I keep your "gentle, understanding, inviting, and accepting post" regarding my up and down battle with cognitive impairments and verbal challenges with me at all times, to help encourage me to keep on fighting despite the not so promising projected outcomes. I believe I thanked everyone else personally and I had a note to make sure to thank you, but I just couldn't function enough these past few days to post (without the chance of embarrassing myself any further). It is hard for me to find the words to explain what is happening to me or being felt by me, yet you seemed to "know" and relate, and for whatever reason that was very comforting to me (you had impeccable timing). So Thank You!!!
And I do hope that I have not forgotten anyone else. I'd really be very disappointed with myself, since I have come to rely on this thread each day, even if all I can do is try to read the posts.
So just in case I do have surgery this week and.... I just wanted to say Merry Christmas and may the peace of the "true season of giving" find each one of you. Hugs and Cheers, Alex
