Well, I'm feeling disappointed with myself for getting off track... I like to spend some time analyzing my mood everyday, and yesterday I didn't. So now I'm trying to catch up, so I can kinda sorta pretend I didn't get off track. :wacky:
Yesterday I felt horrible and sad and miserable. It was one of those days when the past caught up with me and there was nothing for it but to sit with the awful emotions it brought up in me. My husband took the kids off to an all-day event, so I was alone most of the day... which was probably why that was the moment trauma stuff decided to come up... but also it really sucked, because I was alone. I don't know. It was just one of those days. :wtf:
Later, my husband and the kids got home after having a tremendously fun day :laugh: which I was so happy about... making sure the kids have lots of fun makes me happy :D, and my husband immediately bundled me up and took me out to eat trashy burgers and fries and ice cream... his idea and the perfect cure to a day of stupid PTSD stuff. :playful:
I slept horribly, AGAIN, and that has me tired and sad today. I cannot seem to get my sleep stabilized for more than two weeks. I do everything right and start getting good sleep, and then bang! Nothing works and I have to start over and do something different. Frustrating. I'm feeling frustrated and tired. :confused:
I'm feeling guilty. There's a lot of stuff I want to be doing, and I keep putting off some of it waiting for a day when I'm feeling better. I'm definitely in that stage of working on my PTSD where "it gets worse before it gets better." I mean, some weeks are better, definitely, when there's so much relief from resolving trauma or successfully finding ways to manage symptoms. But it's a constant battle! Which I know, but it's still annoying when I can have a few weeks of good days, and just when I start to relax and think I can enjoy it and make plans, it all goes splat. :sorry:
Overall, I'm trying to be patient with myself and keep my spirits up as much as possible, but it is SO difficult. I think it's just the annoyance and frustration that really get to me. :mad: I can logically remind myself that from time to time the past is going to rear it's ugly head and that bad emotions need their moment to come out and have their say after so much trauma and so many, many years of dissociation... but it's just that... I'm trying to have a life in the middle of all this, too! Like, can't you take a number, stupid PTSD symptoms? :meh:
Edited To Add: I just have to say... seemingly random intrusive thoughts and images, overwhelming emotions, dissociation and/or flashbacks used to be an everyday thing pre-August 2013. That's no longer the case. Things are getting better... but this is about how I'm feeling and sometimes I'm just feeling whiny. :sour: I guess... I would have liked to have been feeling really good and outgoing yesterday and gone with my husband and the kids and had a relaxing, fun day. But I can't do that. Because inevitably, when I try to schedule something fun, that's the day my body and mind goes... "Hey, you think you have time to relax... well, what about dealing with this stuff?" :sneaky:
Jeez... I was trying to be positive there and focus on the fact things are getting better. I guess I'm just in a negative mood today. :mad: I'll cheer up tomorrow. :rolleyes:
