anxious, angry, depressed - Another Holiday; OH JOY
I guess I should be happy I can even identify how I feel. It's taken years to learn this.
I'm flipping out right now because I have to pick my 'mother' up today and spend the day with her. I so can't do this but have to. I'm really on the edge of calling her and refusing to get her out of the Sr. Living but that will set off alarms, She'll go on a phoning and whining spree. Then everyone will call me with; What is wrong with you, How could you do this on Easter, @#!##$# They will all be mad with me for disrupting their lives instead of proud because I'm taking care of my emotional self. It is so hard to stuff stuff stuff, it makes me so sick to realize what I have to do to stay off everyones radar.
She is just an old sweet women to most - I see her as a selfish, self absorbed, blood sucking monster - she'll suck the life right out of you.
The second issue I'm trying to resolve (tears, tears) is my adult daughter. She hasn't seen me in weeks, OK I'm a big girl. But I got a new car, have her Easter Stuff, and we have tried planning to get together for weeks for many reasons it hasn't worked out. Friday she called from 15 minutes away again trying to arrange a meet - only if I could go to her. I explained a repairman was here and it would be atleast an hour. She wouldn't wait and left town again. What disturbs me the most - was my reaction. I told her I would pay for her gas and sounded like I was begging her to come, :he would return to see me the next day, I said that would never happen its been said before, AND IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. I'm so hurt and feeling so needy and I don't like it. I remember being the same way at her age, 22 and so wrapped up in my life I didn't even have the time for my Dad. This makes it even worse because I miss him so much and wish I could take back all the times I didn't take or make to be with him. He died when I was 25 and we were best friends, He is the only one who ever loved me unconditionally in all my life.
Boy, am I a mess today, already crying - all worked up - and it's still pitch black outside. This is going to be a long day.
Another ticket on the roller coaster.
