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What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?

Happy & secure in the knowledge that after all the pain & misery their father has put us through in the last four years my children & I still have a good relationship. This has been a really important weekend for us & its been just wonderful.
 
I feel sad too, depressed too, lonely too, and tired too. But I don't want to hide myself away. I want to go back to life. Instead I am doing intense exposure therapy, which is like being still in a traumatic experience - it keeps me feeling isolated with extreme psychological pain, as it takes me back all alone through the terror, humiliation, cruelty, and moral outrage of intimate partner abuse and back through the "gaslighting" of the abuser's refusal to acknowledge what he has done.

I feel awful.
 
For some reason anxious & tense but I can't identify why. I think I'll do some gardening this morning to work my way through it.
 
Knocked so far off center I couldn't get back if you could program the GPS to get there. That's not some clever little phrase, it's just 'what is'. Time to regroup.
 
Yesterday was one of THOSE days, where to 'get in to it' would have involved pages and pages. One gets out the tools, sharpens a few, engages in absolutely frenetically positive activity ( ok, cleaning anything which isn't moving but the dog looks worried ) and waits for bed.

Today is Onward Through The Fog, and hoping to form words. What IS that?
 
Yesterday, in my exposure therapy, I was made extremely angry by being made to experience the feelings of chronic helplessness in the face of ongoing harm. I was filled with extreme, unrelievable pain all day. In the evening, I started having my "rape flashbacks," which are emergences of my body's memories of coerced sex in my marriage. These made me even angrier because I felt (as I did back then) like there was no one I could trust to talk to about what I was feeling. Today I feel lonely and aimless but less pain-ridden so far. Yesterday my feelings were so intensely bad that today my feelings seem mostly like residue from yesterday.
 

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