I've Done This Before & I'm doing it again, taking my life & more,too Seriously!-Vent
Merely, A Vent:
I consider all of which I'm about to get' out' as 'bad sh't', and/or 'bad representation'.
In one specific scenario, an unintentional feeling bad illusion, perhaps another may not think so or understand, yet none-the-less it makes me feel bad.
Though not bad in and of itself, who would know.
I went about doing paperwork and financial business from the moment my kids went off to school. Then I came here to visit the forum, truly believing that I'd be here for only 20 or less minutes.
Within the first 5 min.'s I recognized something that needed to be corrected. A minor error on my part and another's, that I simply wanted corrected. So then, the phone call was made, our errors corrected and then there 'rose from the dead' such and intensity in conversation and discussion that my recent state of general anxieties sky-rocketed and took on much intensity in conversation, memory and resentments of wounds and feelings of helplessness and disgust from yrs. gone by.
So what then? Well, I was logged into this forum, as if active, as if even here, as if even present. Where was I? Upon the phone, engaging in highly intense triggering conversations. One in which directly linked itself to my past trauma and witness to such.
Then the phone rang, while I was already upon the phone, so I flash to that call and it invites more conversation. The topic generally being, 'How on earth do we tackle this, while tackling that, while engaging in this, while engaging in that, when owing this, but in need of more and more expenditure here, and over there, and yes, let's us not forget this and that, and she and he, .........and what if the f'n doorbell rings again?
So, there it is, still logged on as if present, and indeed every where else today, but present. So I feel as if I could pull my hair out of my head, and when I look within to see why is this all happening, the answers point back at me, ......it's my fault! I'm one dumb sh't. This now reminds me of such things heard:
"An alcoholic could screw up a wet dream." And, something along the lines of this: "It takes about six alcoholics to screw in one lightbulb." -I suspect, Nonsense! In fact, I do believe, I'd enjoy any consensual wet dreams. ...
Since, however I've heard this: "How many alcoholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" ..................Ans: None, they'd all rather sit in the dark! .....perhaps funny, but not so.
Nonsense and continued nonsense now brewing within and swirling around my head like a f'n halo. Just trying for some humor, as I find myself as of late challenged beyond what I believe myself capable of. And when being and feeling ever so suffocated and buried alive by life, this world, and continuous oncoming real needs, in addition to life's general expectations, I first blow-up, then melt down and sink into the mat or grounds surface.
My battle within, and round dive with Ptsd and other realities and issues combined, has got to pass again and soon, before I do something I'll regret.
Turns out I need to vent in a big way. I always did think that for me, uncomfortable feelings like frustration, irratability, even getting angry at someone for abusing me, even being in poor health or need or simply requiring a vent was bad, bad, bad, bad!
Bad me! May or may not be so, as really I don't know as I'm so, so, so confused at this time, but it certainly feels so.
Thank God, for the existence of such concepts and principles as forgiveness toward others, self-forgiveness, humility, the right to be wrong, the reality that sickness suffered inwardly and verbally tempered and expressed outwardly in non-abusive words, is not a moral issue.
Thank God for his forgiveness and those times in which I fail and have failed. Thank God, for divine mercy, bc without such presently wavering beliefs, and the continuing hope of his intervention and my work, I'm heading straight back to hell from where I'd always felt dropped, abandoned and misplaced, some yrs., and yrs., and yrs. ago.
So this is a 'bad sh't' Vent or rant or whatever, and isn't suppose to be eloquent or even make any sense whatsoever.
