SpiritFree
Bronze Member
I have just started a new job and I'm now into my first week, and so far I have been going thru flashbacks and panic attacks, due to having people yelling at me over the phone that I just want to hang up on them and quit. All of my life, I had people yelling at me since I was a child. I do not want to spend my later years with the same crap. Of course this bring me to my question as I was working which has always been - what started this to begin with for me to have less confidence and less strength?
I shall repost some background that I did in the intro which will lead up. I need to spill out my gut since I was never allowed to speak up. I had everything inside me sealed. I hope and pray that my diary will release some feelings I had pinned up inside. I tried once to keep a diary when I was 10 but my parents were always snooping into my things even when I was 15 so I could not keep something personal around. Here now I feel I can air out my feelings and thoughts. Also I forgot how a diary should be written but be patient. Thank you.
The Beginning:
I grew up in a small 2 bedroom household with a father and my stay at home mother along with a brother who is 13 years older, and I have a brother who is in a group home due to his birth defect. Between the ages of 5 - 15 I had to deal with issues that I did not know how to handle. I was molested numerous times (by both sexes) for a period of 6 years (Not immediate family). I was 5 when the first molestation occur. Immediately, I felt shame YET! I did not carry any guilt. For some odd reason, I knew it was not my fault what had happened. I do not know why I had that strong mentality to realize "hey it is not my fault..move on" attitude but I had it. A few months after that incident, my life began to change not for the better but for the worse. Oddly enough, I recall my first day in Kindergarten where I had my first experience of being bullied physically and verbally. Unknown that it would be something I would experience for many years to come.
Meanwhile at home, once my brother turned 18 years old he became the sole person to discipline me at home because father was at work. It began with the hand then graduated to belt then wrench, rocks then came the punches. I cried out to my mother but to no avail.
I felt as if I was in a whirlwind of turmoil that was coming against me. The molestation and the bullying from school still continue much, meanwhile my brother was getting physically abusive including verbal as he hit me saying I was fat, stupid, ugly. After he finish he locked me up in my bedroom never to come out until dinner. There was not much to do in the room except sleep, eat and hear music. Dinner time with family was dreadful because I had to deal with remarks about my physical body and skin. Dinner topic was ME! Not "what did you do today?" kind of questions. Well things begin more intense .......
I'll come back later to post the rest
I shall repost some background that I did in the intro which will lead up. I need to spill out my gut since I was never allowed to speak up. I had everything inside me sealed. I hope and pray that my diary will release some feelings I had pinned up inside. I tried once to keep a diary when I was 10 but my parents were always snooping into my things even when I was 15 so I could not keep something personal around. Here now I feel I can air out my feelings and thoughts. Also I forgot how a diary should be written but be patient. Thank you.
The Beginning:
I grew up in a small 2 bedroom household with a father and my stay at home mother along with a brother who is 13 years older, and I have a brother who is in a group home due to his birth defect. Between the ages of 5 - 15 I had to deal with issues that I did not know how to handle. I was molested numerous times (by both sexes) for a period of 6 years (Not immediate family). I was 5 when the first molestation occur. Immediately, I felt shame YET! I did not carry any guilt. For some odd reason, I knew it was not my fault what had happened. I do not know why I had that strong mentality to realize "hey it is not my fault..move on" attitude but I had it. A few months after that incident, my life began to change not for the better but for the worse. Oddly enough, I recall my first day in Kindergarten where I had my first experience of being bullied physically and verbally. Unknown that it would be something I would experience for many years to come.
Meanwhile at home, once my brother turned 18 years old he became the sole person to discipline me at home because father was at work. It began with the hand then graduated to belt then wrench, rocks then came the punches. I cried out to my mother but to no avail.
I felt as if I was in a whirlwind of turmoil that was coming against me. The molestation and the bullying from school still continue much, meanwhile my brother was getting physically abusive including verbal as he hit me saying I was fat, stupid, ugly. After he finish he locked me up in my bedroom never to come out until dinner. There was not much to do in the room except sleep, eat and hear music. Dinner time with family was dreadful because I had to deal with remarks about my physical body and skin. Dinner topic was ME! Not "what did you do today?" kind of questions. Well things begin more intense .......
I'll come back later to post the rest
