What Could Your Therapist Say That Would Help You?

[Hashi]

I don't know if I'm going to be able to explain what I mean very well, but I wanted to ask this after talking to my T yesterday about how bad I feel right now (including suicidal ideation - I won't act on it but I'm thinking about it all the time).

It wasn't very helpful. Journalling about it this morning, although I still feel the same even I can come up with better things than she said. :confused:

Maybe it's because she was saying things that would help other people, but don't work for me?

The main thing seemed to be that because of how I feel now, I can't see that things can be better. But what I was saying to her was that they can never be better enough to make my life so far worthwhile. So they can get better, so what? Then her response was basically, maybe it won't ever feel worthwhile but you can't know that because you're not there yet. (Her belief obviously being that it will feel worthwhile, I just need to get there.)

Journalling this morning, I felt it would have been better to have said to me, maybe it won't feel worthwhile compared to what you've been through, but if the best you can do is make things less bad why don't we work on that so at least you're not in this kind of pain? I think that's about the only thing I could hear right now - the hope for a better future really isn't going to do it for me.

But maybe other people would feel the other way round? Maybe people would want to be told there's hope? When I'm feeling like this, I really don't. I just want help to make myself get out of bed, not abstract concepts or far away ideas.

Another problem for me is hearing about other people overcoming/healing from things but they're not exactly my experiences. When I feel less bad that would be helpful but when I feel so bad, if it wasn't what I went through then it doesn't make any difference to me.

I think I need to go back and explain to my T that things that are helpful sometimes to me are no longer helpful when I'm hating life this much.

Are there things your T has said that helped you in crisis - particularly a T, because this is about working with her in therapy, not about support/encouragement from someone else? Are there things your T could say that would help you, maybe words you need to hear, or the suggestion of working on something in particular that would actually be helpful?

 

[piratelady]

Honestly, I can't think of anything my therapist has ever said that has been really helpful. I often refer to therapy as magic. I have gone in there feeling incredibly hopeless. I talk about feeling that way, why (if I know why). He would just listen and make me feeling like my feelings were valid, that I wasn't abnormal. He wouldn't tell me that in time everything would be better. He would just let me be. Then he would tell me one small thing I could do that might make me feel better in the short term.

I usually walk away feeling much better than I did going in. I have never really been able to pin point exactly what made me feel better though...which is why I make jokes about it being magic.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

My therapist has said quite a few helpful things, but not while I'm in crisis as I'm never in crisis during a session.

She is always reminding me just how far I've come. Certain symptoms have almost disappeared for me. Hearing this feedback is recognition that I AM healing. It feels good to simply be told so.

And she never gives me the "things will get better" or "your family will miss you" lines. This is good as I HATE it when people tell me those things as they are canned responses. She is genuine with everything she says (I've never had another therapist like this, as in she doesn't resort to standard therapist education textbook speech.)

 

[Loner]

Uhh, no idea if this will help, but you need to grieve for the past. Not dwell on it, but really grieve for it, and really forgive yourself for it cus even though it wasnt your fault I am SURE you feel like it was. Once you do that life can be nice.

 

[Loveneverfails]

When working through a crisis, my T always made me feel better by validating what I was feeling. For me, having been told all my life that I 'just want attention' or was 'over reacting' or just plain nuts for feeling anything at all about my abuse(apparently I was supposed to like it?), having a person tell me that wasn't right and that my feelings on the situation are relevant and rational has to have been the most grounding method I've ever found. Having someone tell me it's okay to feel, keeps me from retreating within myself.

 

[heidi]

I think I would tell your counselor your thoughts. I think it's great that you were journaling and you realized this. Often I think we all know what we need to hear. I think there is so much guess work on the other side why not just tell them what you need to hear.

Although I know for you, Hashi, that's not what you were talking about. I think you meant it's not about hearing what you need to hear, it's about redirecting your efforts in a more realistic way? Anyway, I'm sure she would appreciate the input.

As for what I would like to hear when down and out. I think I also just want to be listened to without judgement.

I also once said to my therapist "if this is my reality then I need to learn to live with it". And my counselor said "this isn't your reality forever".

I can say all this time later my life is still this reality and the trick is still to ease what I can out of it. I'm still working on that. But my life is still that reality.

 

[Hashi]

Thank you for your responses. It's a relief that you've normalised this for me. I tend to imagine everyone else lives on hope and I'm the only one who can't.

To be fair to my T, it was me who brought up the longer term view, and she was only responding to that. She did validate how I felt and she did allow for it staying awful, but I still resent the fact that she herself sees things differently and I can't, and that feels invaldating. (I know she sees things differently, because we've already talked about our beliefs about healing - and I did choose her on that basis, after all. Urgh, even I can see how mixed up this is.)

So yes, when I see her again I'll talk more about what I need at times like this.

Thank you all for your support/thoughts.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hashi, not sure if this is at all helpful, just disregard it if not.

I certainly notice I can feel better, or more hopeful, or more at peace or more calm or even happy, with a different perspective, with others' words ( a very select few), but only if I trust them or have respect it's sincere.

However, I am trying now to not care 'how' I feel specifically; that is, well of course I can't help but notice, but I just think for me I'd rather focus on not going down that path. With acceptance, gratitude, some humility, thinking of a larger more-encompassing picture, I try to see others' (possible) perspective, and try to just think I'd rather they just be happy.
To think of their needs, not as an excuse to not do my own work on myself, but to shift the focus off myself (ie. not thinking of how to feel better).

Simply because, I've wasted a lot of time on that, life is too short, mine or theirs for all I know. And for any one who has in any way helped me, or their intention has been good, they should have a chance to be happy and not think of it.

I realize what you said is in regards to your T, they would want you to be honest and they can 'take it', I just mean like others have said above, I would just tell them whatever you're feeling/ thinking, like you have here. But not be too worried to find a 'quick fix' (sic- I know!).

((((Hugs))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Hashi, I found a better way to explain it (I hope).

What I meant is, not invalidating how you feel, but (for myself) actively remembering good memories, thoughts, words etc, repeating them (to myself).

So instead of trying to 'feel better', which leaves me running in circles left to my own thoughts, I try to recall whatever words or memories make me feel better, and simply thinking of those instead.
Like 'mindful (of memories) mindfulness'. Just instead of focusing on colors or objects or ice in my hand, to think of 'good' things.

 

[Hashi]

Hi Junebug,

Thanks for what you said, I've been thinking about it. It ties in to something I've been thinking I need to do more, which is using DBT skills - these include things like distraction (not avoidance, just getting through the worst moments in one piece) and having lists of good things to think about, do or look at. I do need to go back to this because you're right about ending up in circles when I think about feeling better. Sometimes the best approach is to sidestep the whole thing.

Thinking about others is a bit too tangled for me, although because I have a Jungian/metaphysical approach I do believe in a collective unconscious, and that what I do contributes to the energy that we all live in... that's about the best I can do in relation to other people at the moment. :eek:

I'm meant to do a list for T anyway, because we agreed to have one so we can spend the last 5 or 10 minutes talking about something off the list, for grounding before I go. Thanks for the timely reminder!

 

[Tinyflame]

Hashi, that's good. I too need to work on learning daily coping skills, and a change in focus. For a long time I tried to do that by forcing myself to try to remember something good. Now I am trying to actually really remember something good (as opposed to 'telling myself'), if that makes sense? To 'feel' it and remember it, so as to interfere with negative thoughts and memories. I find they are somewhat mutually exclusive, they can't co-exist as easily.

By 'others', I mean that in the past looking back on it, some of my regrets have been from not being able to embrace what I had at the moment. Granted, much because of ptsd, but if I could do it again I would have a different focus. For example, if all of a sudden someone you love has a short time to live, the focus becomes enjoying and not taking for granted any moment, putting other things aside. A 'bigger picture', as it were. Even though the ptsd is of course still there.

((((Hugs)))))

 

[DharmaGirl]

I asked my therapist to say-even though I know you are in pain now-before he says you are doing better than before as evidenced by... It works, it doesn't negate the pain I have, and I then can see where I am getting better.